"We don't have time for this!" snapped the red and black cloaked War Wizard, "I have to outfit an entire army of knights in new cross-bow proof armor, I cannot have you having each part custom made. Do you know how many men it would take to make one suit of armor?" His eyes flickered from blue to green to red to electric purple as he raged.
"But they never fit right when you make a whole suit!" protested the knight stomping his feet.
The wizard smiles. It's the sort of smile that curdles fresh milk in the pail, and says, "No worries, I can fix that. I've got a clone spell." Then he turns to you and looks at the knight. He raises his staff and incants something about "Titans, Steal, Teflon, Kevlar" and the ilk. You don't get it. His staff is glowing red hot at the top now, then orange and when it's white hot, he strikes you in the breast.
But then you really get it. It's like heartburn, the worst heartburn ever. You're burning up from the inside. All your flesh and bones are melting outward toward your skin. You feel yourself coming apart as you are hollowed out but you are totally conscious.
"A knight's best friend is his armor," the wizard intones smiling at you as you transform.
"All I wanted was new codpiece or breast plate," whined the knight.
"Now you've got both."
"He won't fit right! They never do!"
"Don't worry, I'll make you fit," said the wizard putting his claw in a friendly manner on the knight's shoulder. Few things scared the knight, but this creepy ancient thing touching him almost made him piss himself. Shouldn't he say, he would make the armor fit? The knight feels the hairs climbing on the back of his neck.
He's about to say something more, but then he looks at you. You cannot move, and you are completely hollow, but you are totally aware.
"Not half bad. Let's see," he walks toward you. No, he's walking toward a horse. He grabs the cross bow from the saddle, and launches a bolt straight at you.
You close your eyes and brace yourself, as there's nothing else to do.
PING!
The crossbow bolt bounces right off your chest and ricochets into the crowd. You hear a scream, but cannot turn your head.
"I told you it was bolt-proof! Well, cross-bow-bolt proof. Your toast if they throw lightning bolts, but I might be able to rubberize it, and make it completely bolt proof, but that would..." the wizard mumbles as he strokes his beard lost in mystic thought.
"Squire! Help me into my new armor!" the knight shouts lifting your head off your body. It's his helmet now.
The squire hurriedly disassembles you and then spends the next hour trying to strap you to the knight's body.
"Wizard!" roars the knight, "I look ridiculous! The armor is too small for me!"
"Huh? Oh, right. Hold still, while I fix that!" the wizard snapped. He muttered something about not enough rubber in the realm, shook his head and got up and strode over to you and the knight.
"Geff?" he asked tapping the helmet which the knight was wearing like a hat on his big head, "Brace yourself."
"What you're talking to the armor? It's still alive. You're going to make it grow to fit me?"
"What? No, no of course not. I'm going to make you fit the armor. Silly knight!" snapped the wizard as he lowered his staff to touch the knight's forehead.
"Yeow!" shouted the knight. He felt his belly shrinking, his abs becoming rock hard. His head shrank just a tad, and the helmet slid down over his eyes and clanked as it fell into place around his neck. He felt his spine contract as he shrank to fit the armor. His arms shifted, his chest swelled, he felt his cock and balls grow to fit the generous codpiece. He thought, "Well, at least the armor fits properly, and I've got a bigger manhood, so I guess I really shouldn't complain, but I cannot let that cantankerous old War Wizard know that-"
"Already know. It's the real reason people don't like us wizards hanging about, all that snooping in other people's minds. Most of it's drivel. I'd let you complain, but the king wants 1200 knights ready to battle by the end of the week," the War Wizard said looking around the crowd, "We need an artisan or two to paint Sir-" he paused and looked a the armored man, what was his name?
The knight narrowed his eyes and answered, "Sir Geldherd!"
"Ah yes, Geldherd. We need artisan's to paint Sir Geldherd's coat of arms on his shield, and breast plate," the wizard glanced at the knight's horse bedecked in green and gold with no visible coat of arms, and added, "Also some green and gold feathers for his helmet."
A man stumbled forward holding his hat, and grabbed his apprentice, a younger man and said, "Go git me paints and brushes. Green, gold, black and white. And be quick abut it, boy."
"Yes, sir!" with a nod, the lad was off.
"I have some white plumes, anyone got dye?" asked a big breasted woman.
The crowd was all mumbles and discusses. The tension is broken, there's work to do.
The old man with hat asks, "So what is your coat of arms, Sir Geldherd?"
"What oh, yes. Big green bull with two gold bulls rampant on a white shield with four gold balls arranged in a diamond beneath them."
The wizard started to snicker, then swallowing his laugh made an odd snorting sound, and apologized saying, "Should've known, geld herd, cough, cough, Ahem, Sorry, I think I swallowed a bug."
"Don't stand so close to my horse then," advised the knight matter of factly.
"Strapping young lad you've got there. Have you considered he might be armoring material?" the wizard gently asked the painter as he touched up the Geldherd Coat of Arms on the knight's breastplate.
"You know, wizard, this armor is so terribly comfortable, I bet I could sleep in it. Maybe I'll never even take it off," he joked.
"You will to pee, and shit. I hope," thought Geff.
"Of course, I will take it off to pee and shit, I hope," said the knight parroting the voice he heard in his head.
"No," the wizard said shaking his head, "No need." The wizard tapped the knight's bum, and the metal covering spread apart like a curtain exposing his bare ass. He tapped it again, and it closed up without a seam. He moved to tap the knight's crotch, but the knight grabbed his wrist.
"That won't be necessary."
"But how do I bathe?"
"Oh, the armor is totally rust proof. And you'll really like this part. Your original lifespan was only one more year, and the lad's was 69 years, but now you'll live another 70 years combined," smiled the wizard.
"Why was my lifespan so short?"
The wizard produces an ancient text out of nowhere, and flips through the book, "Ah, yes. killed by crossbow bolt while cleaning crossbow-accident. Now it's old age."
"You've got everybody's death in there?" asked the knight concerned.
"Well, probable. It changes, as in your case."
"Well, being a dead knight versus trapped in armor for life and armor this light weight isn't really bad. It weighs about a third of my old armor. Can pass it down to my son, when I die, I suppose?"
"No, armored for eternity. You lads are going to be buried and go together into heaven or hell depending of course."
"What? What if one deserves heaven and the other hell? Then what?"
The War Wizard leaned in and grinned, and asked, "Do you know how to limbo?"
"Limbo? What's that?"
"You really think I'm armoring material, Mr. War Wizard, sir?" asked the apprentice who had been there the whole time.
The War Wizard turned toward him, and followed his gaze to a handsome young knight who was seated with the other knights of their party in front of the local tavern drinking. He touched his beard thoughtfully.
"Yes, yes, I think so."