"Hello everyone, and welcome to a Valentine's Day special of Animalia Ambassadoria." Said Abby, kicking off the newest episode.
"Today we look at the epic fails and acts of stupidity that ended up costing would-be Romeos and Juliets their mates for this year." Said Malice, snickering at some of the stuff she had seen over the Valentine's Day celebration.
"To start things off," said Sophie, entering the commands on the laptop, "If you're going to show off your sexy bikini to a prospective mate, make sure it both still fits you and is not more than five years old. Otherwise this happens." The scene then cuts to a video of a female Dalmatian Animalian modeling a bikini that was seemingly two sizes too small. She was getting ready to do a frontal pose when the elastic and cloth between the bikini cups in front suddenly "gave up the ghost" and her boobs were exposed, much to her sudden embarrassment, revealing that she was originally a human, but fortunately an obscuring bar prevented further humiliation, much to the disappointment of the viewers.
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"It's also a good idea to actually interact with someone than do lame one-liners like these." Said Sarah, showing where a nerdy guy was tutoring a female penguin Animalian, and when she asked him what he wanted to do afterwards, he said that he wanted to "joyride on your Swiss Alps", but all he got for that was a "Say What?", ruining it for him and sparking a number of comments along the lines of 'You hate to see that happen to a rookie'.
Another nerdy guy, trying to find a potential bondmate had even worse luck.
"This arm's gonna be a new Animalian. Who wants to be on it?" He asked, holding out his arm and indicating it, and causing all eight female Animalians to pull away from him. When he saw that he was alone, he switched arms and asked, "How about this arm?", sparking another group of comments about how bad it was.
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"If you're going to try to impress an Animalian with talent," said Jessica, queuing up another list of videos, "DO do something impressive, but DON'T stereotype." She then showed a video where a guy was playing the clarinet for a female Spectacled Cobra Animalian, but unfortunately he chose to play the Snake Charmer's Song, rendering his talent void, and the cobra annoyed.
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"Another thing that should be done is not to do something that would injure yourself, because stupidity would get you killed in the animal kingdom." Said Sophie, showing a video from the Jungle Gym of Claw Coliseum.
The Jungle Gym was part of a group of gymnasiums at Claw Coliseum where there were natural elements replicated to show strength, speed and agility in natural environments. The Jungle Gym, for example, was a replica of a jungle environment with trees and vines to demonstrate jungle agility. It also helped with Animalians who were native to jungle environments be comfortable in Animalia.
The video shown was where a guy was trying to impress a female spider monkey Animalian by swinging from vine to vine. Unfortunately he turned to her to pose in mid swing and crashed into a tree trunk. A male blackback gorilla, watching the display (and having seen the movie he was quoting from recently) said, after the impact, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the king of the jungle.", kicking off a firestorm of hilarious comments.
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"To close our show," said Abby after a few more stupid cupid clips, "We welcome Daniel Richardson, from the third batch of Project Phoenix volunteers to talk with us." Everyone was surprised when a male golden retriever Animalian entered the room, mainly because he was half a head taller than Simon, far more muscular, and had blonde hair that matched his fur.
"So what motivated you to join Project Phoenix?" Asked Simon, trying not to feel inadequate about himself.
"Actually," said Daniel, the deepness of his voice startling a few people, "I was part of the experiment to see if double dosing would work on someone who was a hundred years old." This sparked a massive firestorm of comments.
"You're a century old!?" Asked Abby in surprise.
"I certainly don't look it anymore, do I?" Asked Daniel, flexing a cantaloupe-sized bicep for the camera, causing some digital swooning comments.
"So... who was your donor?" Asked Malice, trying not to fall for him. "Simon is your mate, Simon is the only one for you." being the mantra in her head, while Sarah had a similar mantra about Travis going through HER head.
"Mandy, my dog." Said Daniel, his face falling, "she died the shortly before I was called to serve in WWII. I always kept a lock of her fur with me during the war, and I kept it for all these years."
"What part did you play in the war?" Asked Abby, trying not to get too nosy about Daniel's relationship with Mandy.
"I was actually part of OSS, the precursor to the CIA." Said Daniel, brightening up somewhat, "I got captured by Nazis once, but I managed to obtain vital information for the Battle of the Bulge, AND the encryption device for the Enigma Code, and escaped with both those crucial pieces of intelligence and my life."
"So did you do anything special for Valentine's Day after you were renewed?" Asked Sophie, blushing slightly, both at Daniel's sexiness and some of the comments appearing on the podcast.
"I had just gotten done telling a youngster about my adventures when I get a message that someone wanted to revisit my war adventures." Said Daniel, "I'm barely in the door of the location when I get a nosefull of chloroform-soaked rag, and chloroform is much more potent when you're an Animalian. When I come to, I'm bound to a chair and naked with a female German Shepard Animalian done up as a Nazi."
"Sexy roleplaying is common in Animalia after the opening of Miss Vivian's Intimacy Boutique." Said Abby, off-handedly.
"Fortunately," said Daniel, "I was able to talk Mandy, as she calls herself, down before it got too far. Later, we'll do it more properly for the Animalia Website, script and all. It's going to be called 'The Interrogation of Meaty Bone'."
"For those who want to see 'The Interrogation of Meaty Bone' on the website, please note that a premium account will be required." Said Jessica, "Unfortunately, we can't do a preview now because we have to maintain our PG-13 rating, and we're out of time. See you all next time in the wilds of Animalia."