"Be sure to turn off the water to that toilet before you disconnect it," admonished Goatee Guy, as one of the thugs went to work on Chad's left nut with a hacksaw.
Chad thought, NOT AGAIN!
Maybe it wasn't his real original nut, but it had been his nut for the last few years. It still hurt like hell mentally. Chad supposed they didn't make a sedative for inanimate objects did they? He had to make the thugs understand that he wasn't just a toilet, that he was human, and they were cutting off his nuts! He concentrated and flushed. He gurgled loudly, "I AM CHAD. I AM CHAD. I Am-" and the water ran out and it didn't refill him. Chad was silenced.
"Weird," commented the thug who had just cut off the left nut, as he handed the hacksaw to the other guy who started sawing away on Chad's right nut, "That flush sounded like it said, "I am Chad"?"
"Guess that's why all those folks done wrote "Chad" all over the toilet and walls. Don't mean nothing. I jes' hope that it's the toilet that makes the sound and not something to do with the pipes. The boss will be pissed if he goes to all this trouble and the toilet doesn't make that Chad sound when it's installed in his house."
"I don't get that either. Why does he want a toilet that says, "I am Chad" when it flushes?"
"Just do your job, and get paid. That's my motto. Damn, the hacksaw blade broke. Hand me the chisel."
"Don't damage it," warned the first thug.
"It's over half cut, this should snap off the rest of the nut."
NO! shrieked Chad silently as he was drained of water. His right nut ached as the claws of the pry bar slipped into the opening created by the hacksaw. The guy hammered and pushed, and POP. POP went Chad's right nut. The two thugs lifted Chad up, and the wax ring made a plopping noise as Chad separated from the sewer pipe. They threw a tarp over Chad, hurriedly they went downstairs and loaded Chad into a van. Chad thought he heard Jayson's voice in the hallway, but he wasn't sure.
Two hours later, the truck stopped. The two thugs unload their cargo, as their boss stands nearby. He has changed out of his leathers, and is now dressed in an expensive Italian suit. Chad is uncovered, and inspected.
"Yes, perfect," says the Goatee Guy. Then he instructs them, "I want you to thoroughly wash it inside and out, but be careful to preserve the grafitti. Maybe use vinegar, water, and lemon juice? No abrasives. Just elbow grease, got it?"
They nod, and carry Chad around back. After an hour of instense proximity with a hose, and a couple gallons of vinegar, Chad feels clean for the first time in years.
"I didn't sign on to clean shit," said the second guy.
"What cleaning did you do? I was the guy with the rubber gloves and chamois cloths. Who uses chamois to clean a toilet?" He shook his head.
They left Chad to bask in the sun. It was the first time in ages that he had seen or felt sunlight. It felt good. He must've dozed off. He woke in the chill of the night. He was still sitting in the yard, now with a clear plastic tarp covering him. In the morning, the sun rose, and dew covered the plastic, but Chad stayed dry. The sun beat through the plastic wrap, and Chad dozed again.
He was awakened by the two thugs hoisting him in the air, and carrying him toward the house. The sun was high in the sky. It must be noon. Yesterday he was a toilet in a gay bar today? He was carried into the mansion. A man in a tuxedo instructed, "Take it to the Billiards Room."
The Goatee Guy's portrait glared or grinned down from over the fireplace of a giant man cave. There was a pool table, 1990's vintage videogame machines, a Victorian wood and glass bar with brass rails, lewd paintings, sports trophies, and jerseys. There was even a framed Manning jersey labeled 2018 SUPER BOWL. The Patriots won the SuperBowl? And it was already 2018 or passed 2018?
"Set him-er, it in the middle of the plastic tarp. Then we'll put Chad in the bathroom there," said the Goatee guy. Instead of leathers or a suit, today, he was wearing some expensive sports gear, and sunglasses.
The thugs set Chad down on the tarp, and turned him to face Goatee Guy. He has a video camera set up next to him aimed at Chad. There are two spray cans on the table next to him. He picks up the green one, and motions for the thugs to get back. The red light is flashing on the camera recording everything as he starts to spray the grafittied toilet. He walks around the toilet spraying it evenly. The porcelain starts to quiver and undulate, and move. It morphs into a buff 19 year old blond naked jock with "Chad" tattooed all over his body. He is on his knees, and as he stands, one of the thugs notices his empty nut sack.
"Damn, what happened to your balls?"
Chad glares at him, and with difficulty opens and closes his jaw, and yells, "You cut them off with a hacksaw!"
"That's enough, Chad. Just enough video to prove to my guests who they have the privilege of using," says the Goatee Guy, as he aims the blue can at naked Chad, and starts spraying inanimation spray on Chad. Chad stumbles backwards toward the empty bathroom trying to escape his fate, while accidentally running straight toward it.
He coughs and sputters, "Who the hell are you anyway? Why are doing this?"
The guy holds up a picture of a fancy toilet with a lid, but the picture has been defaced with graffiti matching Chad's tattoos or his original toilet, except the toilet seat is pristine white.
"Try to remember to keep your Chad markings as you resume your life as a toilet, Chad. I want you to look just like this!" He points to the picture, and adds, "And I don't want you to forget who you are or were!"
Chad trips on the tile and feels his buttocks spreading and distending to fasten to the waiting sewer pipe. He feels the wax seal form. He sobs, and mouths, "Who?" as he can no longer speak. His skin is porcelain white except for his tattoos.
The goatee guy shakes his head as the toilet wobbles trying to escape his fate.
He holds a couple of shiny new gold nuts up, and hands them to the thugs. He says, "When he's done changing, screw his nuts on."
Then he turns to Chad, and says, "Yeah, I know I filled out a bit, and grew a bit taller, but you honestly don't recognize me?"