True to his word, the Egyptian deity known mostly from obscure footnotes in dusty tomes in unvisited libraries and museums as the god Wepwawet, the great opener of the ways, returned to the Webster yard and promptly transformed the lawn into a courtroom with the defendant in the dock.
In the audience gallery sat the Webster family, as well as the impostor, Tommy Carson, Mrs. Judy White, Billy Fenton, Greg Collins, a hamster, and Susan Reynolds.
Wepwawet conferenced with the judge, an indistinct figure beneath dark robes, as a burly executioner stood at the back of the court, a heavy ax in his hands.
Jared chewed on a rawhide bone the impostor had given him the previous day to keep him diverted from any last-second attempts to contact family members.
The judge used a gavel to bring the court into session. Wepwawet volunteered to read out the charges, a long litany that ended with the accusation that the defendant, Jared William Webster, was even worthless as a dog and deserved transformation into something even more primitive.
"Do you have suggestions to offer the court," the judge asked as Jared continued to gnaw on the bone. "I'll entertain them."
"I've noticed in some less hygienic locations a particular type of slimy mold that grows in wet places, particularly behind ill-kept toilets," Wepwawet said.
The judge made no indication on her preference for dog or slime mold, but she did stare critically at Jared. "Is the defendant even capable of defending himself in my court?"
"My bad," Wepwawet replied. "Your honor, allow me."
When the deity snapped its fingers, some intelligence returned to Jared's eyes, although it was mostly hidden by the fringe of fur that constantly fell over them, and he spit out the bone and barked in disgust.
"Young..." the judge began, then hesitated. "How is he addressed?"
"His name is Jared," the deity provided.
"I mean, what is he?"
"Your honor, that's what we are here to decide," Wepwawet said. "Human, slime mold, dog, they're all roughly equal in my estimation."
"I grant your point," she said. "Defendant, you will rise and face your first witness."
Jared stood on his four paws and scanned the court's gallery. He saw his mother dabbing at her eyes with his father's good handkerchief. "Oh, Bill," she cried. "We raised him better."
Jared barked. "Mom! I'm innocent!"
"No more outbursts from the defendant," the judge said.
Jared noticed the muscular man in leather and a black hood. He also took note of the heavy, scary ax in the man's bare arms. Arf! "What's he doing here?"
"Witness intimidation," Wepwawet answered with a smile.
"I object," Jared barked.
"You can't object," the judge said. "This is my court."
Jared felt his shaggy form quiver in outrage, but he choked down any angry retort so as not to prejudice the judge against his case.
"Your honor," Wepwawet said. "Shall we proceed?"
She nodded, looking bored. Wepwawet called Jared's father to the witness stand, which produced more crying from Jared's mother.
Once settled on the stand and sworn, Jared's dad looked into the gallery but avoided looking at the sheepdog in the dock.
"Tell me, Mr. Webster, has your son always been a disappointment?" Wepwawet asked. "Remember, you're under oath."
"I'd not want to give that impression," Mr. Webster answered. "He has been a bit of a burden for a successful and respected businessman like myself."
Jared barked in hurt and protest. "Dad, what are you saying?"
The judge gaveled. "Any more outbursts and things will go badly for you," she warned.
A screen activated on the wall behind the judge. "Mr. Webster, please watch this moment and then explain to the court the context," the entity said.
Jared watched a memory play out in black-and-white for him and full color for most of the audience. He saw himself as a seven-year-old boy crying in his bed. His father entered the room, sat on the edge of the bed, and turned on a lamp. He saw the purple-black bruise over Jared's right eye. "Your mom explained what happened," Dad said.
Young Jared sniffed. "I'm all right," he said bravely.
"No, son," Mr. Webster disagreed. "Your mom told me you didn't fight back."
Jared produced a little gasp. "He was bigger than me!"
"Son, you can't back down from a fight," he said.
"Dad, he's in third grade!"
"It doesn't matter," Dad said sternly. "Next time this boy bothers you, you stand up to him. Am I clear?"
Jared sniffed again. "Yes, Dad."
Mr. Webster hugged his son and the screen froze.
"Your honor, I will now prove the defendant lied and continued to disappoint his father," Wepwawet said. "I call Tommy Carson to the stand."
Tommy Carson, or the nine-year-old version of him, entered the witness box. He looked the overweight, red-headed bully Jared remembered.
"Now, Tommy, do you see Jared Webster in this court?" The entity prompted.
"Isn't he the sheepdog?" Tommy said with a snicker.
"Indeed. Very good, Tommy."
Jared growled, old hatreds returning.
"What did happen later? Did the defendant stand up to you?" Wepwawet asked.
"No," Tommy said with another burst of snickering. "He got his mommy to give him money to pay me off every day."
Jared felt glad of the shaggy fur hiding his intense blush of shame as the memory flooded into his brain. Wepwawet assisted by playing on the screen one of those moments with a seven-year-old Jared meekly handing over the daily payment and then receiving a rough shove before Tommy departed.
Jared's parents bickered as his Dad discovered Mom's role in the charade and the judge had to call them down. "Very convincing testimony," she told Tommy and told him he could return to his seat.
As Tommy walked past the dock, he snickered again at finding his former victim changed into a shaggy dog. Jared lunged at him, which prompted a quick response from the judge. "Are you threatening the witness?"
"No, your honor," Jared barked.
"I will muzzle you if necessary," she warned. With a burning look at Jared, she turned to Wepwawet.
"Now, your honor, I call the defendant's mother to the stand."
She continued to weep and dab at her eyes.
Wepwawet expressed sympathy. "I'm sure the defendant has been a disappointment. Could you list some of his most egregious offenses, Mrs. Webster?"
She dried her eyes. "He never listens," she said.
"I'm sure," he said. "Allow me to spare you. I have more video."
Jared growled as scenes from his past spilled out for all to see. His image stumbled into the kitchen, naked except for a pair of boxer shorts, as he pulled a carton of milk from the fridge, drank from it, and placed it back.
"Had you told him not to do that?" Wepwawet asked. "Again, you're under oath."
Mom broke down into sobs. "Yes, yes, yes," she answered.
The video kept playing as Jared scratched his butt through the boxers. Mom turned from the screen and cried some more. "He tracks mud into the kitchen after his baseball games, he never cleans his room, he forgets to take the garbage out," she said. "A mother can only put up with so much."
"Your honor, I would like to spare Mrs. Webster more of this ordeal."
"I've seen enough," the judge agreed. "Slime mold strikes me as too good for the defendant."
"Your honor, we're just beginning," Wepwawet warned.
Jared's former teacher, Mrs. Judy White, took the stand and related the time that Jared and some of his buddies plagiarized their freshman English essays. "They didn't even use in-text citations," the teacher said in horror.
"He's a monster, your honor," Wepwawet said.
The judge, to Jared's dismay, nodded her agreement.
In an aside to Jared, Wepwawet urged him to throw himself on the mercy of the court.
Jared produced a flurry of barking. "Your honor, this is ridiculous," he said. "How does any of this prove anything?"
"I believe it speaks volumes for your character," she said. "Or lack thereof."
He whimpered and steeled himself to endure more testimony.
His buddies, Billy and Greg, went jointly to the stand. There they and the audience watched another video on the screen. Billy and Greg, like Jared, watched as their fifth-grade selves interacted on screen around the classroom menagerie of tropical fish, a lizard, a hissing giant cockroach, and one hamster named Mr. Bailey after the school principal.
Billy and Greg alerted their teacher to the fact the hamster wasn't moving. Upon investigation, a chocolate wrapper was found dropped onto the wood shavings in the cage.
"Did you boys give the hamster chocolate?" Their teacher asked. "I told you chocolate is bad for hamsters."
Greg, who had been somewhat portly even in fifth grade, ratted out Jared, who had wisely distanced himself from the crime. When confronted, he denied the charges and retaliated by telling the teacher he had noticed Billy and Greg dropping something into the cage.
Of course, Wepwawet had the real footage that, as it played, showed Jared unwrap the chocolate ball, break off a piece to feed Mr. Bailey, but carelessly drop the wrapper into the cage.
"Your honor, the defendant is a murderer," Wepwawet declared. "I put it to you that Mr. Bailey could have lived to a ripe old age of three or four years. Instead, he was cut down in his prime by the uncaring action of Jared William Webster."
"I'd forgotten all about that!" Jared barked in protest.
"Notice his callous indifference," Wepwawet said smugly.
In the back of the room, the executioner took that moment to begin sharpening the blades of his ax.
"Liar, killer," Wepwawet said. "What else will we discover about this deplorable individual?"
The deity proceeded at once to call Susan Reynolds to the stand. Jared noticed that she looked alluring as she moved to the witness stand in her tight jeans and sweater. The sheepdog squirmed as he felt some tingling around the vicinity of his furry sheath. Fortunately, the barricade between himself and the judge precluded her noticing.
Susan, at Wepwawet's prompting, related how she and Jared had dated as freshman high school students.
"And wasn't there an occasion, one that you had dreamed of for months, when this cad humiliated you?"
Susan sniffed. "Yes, he did."
Jared groaned and whimpered as he remembered. He had felt bad even at the time, but Billy, Greg and some of his other friends had been relentless in their teasing.
"On the night of the big dance, did you or did you not back out of your agreement to escort her to the event?" Wepwawet demanded.
"I did," Jared barked.
"No more questions, your honor."
"Wait!" Jared barked. "I apologized! I am still sorry. Susan, I'm so sorry."
Susan looked over at him with some compassion. Wepwawet looked worried.
"Perhaps you could tell the court why that scoundrel treated you so badly?"
Susan whispered the reason in a low voice that Jared doubted that anyone in the audience, besides himself with his canine super-hearing, might have heard, and he already knew the answer.
Video proved available and showed Susan, tall and ungainly after a growth spurt, that left her considerably taller than young Jared.
"But that wasn't all, was it?" Wepwawet asked.
"No," she cried as the video showed her smile only to reveal a mouth shackled in metal braces. Boys teased her and then teased Jared, who had changed his mind after inviting her to the dance.
Dismissed from the witness stand, Susan made her way back into the gallery. The impostor approached her and told her that he thought she looked hot. She giggled and they took seats next to each other.
Wepwawet turned to the judge. "I cannot think of any possible way that this poor excuse of space can redeem himself, your honor," he said bluntly.
"I agree," she said. "I am prepared to give my verdict..."
"Wait!" A high voice spoke urgently.
Jared saw Kevin stand and approach the bench. The rasping noise of metal against file continued to break the silence as the muscle-bound executioner kept sharpening his ax.
Ignoring the distracting noise, Kevin coughed. "Your honor, Jared's my brother," he said. "He's a good person. Plus, it is sort of my fault he has ended up a dog."
"That's immaterial," Wepwawet insisted.
"Please," Kevin pled.
The judge relented.
"Your honor, I will need time to prepare for what should be labeled a hostile witness to the prosecution," Wepwawet said.
"We'll adjourn for five minutes," she said. "Will that be enough time?"
"Yes, thank you," the entity said.
The judge brought down the gavel.