Rick pulled out his phone. What's the worst that could happen? He put in the overly-long number, and pressed send.
There was no ringtone, nor was there an automated message to say the number failed. He sat, waiting for a few minutes before he felt like an idiot for thinking this would work. However, a voice broke the awkward silence. It was strangely nasal, though definitely masculine. He could hear objects clanging in the background. "Yes?"
Rick wasn't prepared to actually have a response. "Uh, hello?"
"Yes, hello. I'm very busy and how did you get this number?"
Rick pondered the strangely-direct individual. "My girlfriend got this box from a magic shop, and I-"
The voice interrupted. "No refunds, tell her to read the warnings next time."
Rick was taken aback. His response was immediate, like that's the only kind of call he got. "That's not exactly the problem. Something happened that was not on any of the warnings."
There was a pregnant pause. "Not possible. Those potions are very simple. You can even mix them without anything going wrong."
"Yeah? Is it normal for one of your potions to transform a guy's crotch into an udder?"
"Impossible!" With a flash, there was suddenly a thinly-built stranger standing in the same room as Rick, standing uncomfortably close to him. He wore an intricate, silken garb that looked somewhat like the attire of a monk, though he wore a brimmed hat with a feather sticking from it at an angle. The stranger moved to Rick's side, then waved both hands to point toward his udder. "What? How?!"
The voice was exactly as the person Rick had called, though he sounded less electronic in the flesh. "How did you-"
He interrupted again. "Magic. Now, tell me how you managed to make one plus one equal to fish."
Rick informed the mage about the prank his girlfriend had planned with the Breast(+) potion, and how she had spritzed the bathroom lightly about 6 to 7 times. When Rick went in to go to the bathroom, his junk suddenly turned into what was currently on the bed.
The mage nodded along, but frowned when the story ended as quickly as it had. "Give me a moment, I'm going to check and clear that bathroom." He waved a hand in front of his face, and his clothing transformed into some sort of hazmat suit. He left for a few minutes, then returned. "I cleared it of aerial contaminants, but you'll need to dispose of all objects in there, including the sink and tiles. They have virtually no effect, but over a few years of daily contact, people will gain a few cup sizes. Still, doesn't answer how the potion decided you were a cow, or why it removed unrelated genitals to make an udder."
Rick pondered that for a few minutes, then realized what he had eaten for lunch. "I ate a burger for lunch. Do you think that had any effect?"
The mage paused for half a minute, mouth slightly agape. "No, probably not. Maybe there's some minotaur in your bloodline, but that shouldn't have been significant enough to do this." He picked up the Breast(+) potion, examining the cap. "Maybe the seal was broken and it expired? But that..." He began to mumble to himself.
Rick was starting to grow impatient with the mage, but knew this guy was the most likely individual that could fix his problems. "Well, can you fix me?"
The mage looked up. "Absolutely not. How can I fix something where I don't even know how it happened? I could remove it, but you've ingested enough of the chemical to grow a new one. Worse yet, it could grow back in the normal pattern after initial breasts have been removed."
"It can't be that-"
"The normal pattern is to constantly grow pairs of A-cup breasts until they cover the entirety of your body. Breasts then start growing inside your body, which usually ends in death by suffocation once one blocks your windpipe. This takes approximately 3 days going at your rate."
Rick was taken aback. That was definitely worse. "Is there anything you can do? I can't move around society like this!"
The mage sat for a while, hand grasping his chin as he thought. "You may be fortunate to have grown the udder. You're producing milk, yes?"
"Is that why I feel this constant need to take a piss?"
"Probably. Or your kidneys still exist and there's no way to release the urine. You should probably get a new phallus before they rupture." Rick started to ask, but was cut off. "You'll want to milk yourself as much as you can, then count the number of gallons you put out. Each hour, your udder will try to recuperate that lost size, which will be produced purely as milk. If I had to guess, you'll produce about 1.5 gallons per hour." The mage pressed a hand into Rick's fleshy udder, causing it to wobble and slosh. "I'd guess you can put out about 16 gallons if full. Milk yourself 3 times a day and it should never get any larger than it currently is."
Rick felt slightly relieved to hear that he won't eventually get pinned by this thing, but it was still far too large, and now he was afraid for his kidneys. "But I can barely move with this thing!"
The mage put a hand to his temple, then grabbed beneath his robes. He pulled out what looked like a small handbag, tied by a long, leather string. He opened the bag, and began to stretch it beyond what should've been possible. The bag was only about 6 inches wide, which made it hard to comprehend when it was opened over two feet wide. Rick could see an unnatural darkness within the bag, as if it was a portal to somewhere else.
The mage looped the over-sized opening around the far end of Rick's udder, then pulled it all the way to Rick's torso. Rick could feel the udder hanging within an open space, but it was no longer physically taking space in this world. The bag was cinched as shut as it could be, leaving Rick with a leather bag covering the patch of skin to which his udder was attached.
Rick could still feel the forward pull of his udder, but he was now normal-looking for the most part. He could even wear pants! However, the mage spoke up. "There. it's in a private space, but that space is not infinite. If you let it grow too large, the bag will rupture and you'll have a hell of a time moving afterward. Take it off whenever you can, because creatures can sneak into such spaces. May be inconvenient, but you really don't want one of those things finding your delicate bits unprotected."
Rick nodded. "Thank you so much!" As he began to put on the pants he had long since decided he could never wear again, his mind turned to the kidney problem. "Now, about my, uh..."
"Your genitals, yes. First, how partial are you to being a woman?"
"I'd really rather remain a male. I've got a girlfriend."
"So be it." The mage snapped and the world flew into a blur for Rick, causing him to reflexively close his eyes. When he opened them, he was in a strange-looking shop alongside the mage. A woman in similar garb was sitting behind the counter.
She spoke up first. "Bobert! It's been so long! What could've possibly brought you here?"
He heaved out a sigh, then pointed to Rick. "Hello, Anne. A customer of my product managed to break my Breast-plus potion in a most unexpected way."
She looked Rick up and down. "Looks pretty normal to me."
He grabbed Rick's shirt, then flipped it up to reveal the top half of the bag. "He's got a cow udder in place of his genitals, so I'm here to buy him a new one. I'll foot the bill." He turns to Rick, pointing down the various aisles. "Go, get a penis and attach it to some unaffected flesh. I'm going to catch up with Anne."
Rick wandered away from the mages. Each of the aisles had numerous dildo-like phalluses. However, it was rather strange to see such thin and short dildos. The other strange part was the sheer number of options available. There were various real beasts named, such as turtle, rhinoceros, or kangaroo. There were even mythical creatures, such as dragon or gryphon.
These bestial phalluses had strange bumps and shapes to them, though the definition on the model was not exactly clear.
There was also a barrel-sized bin with "human" written on it, but each was between 2 to 4 inches in length.
Rick pondered what set of genitals he should choose.