Alan nervously shuffled through his papers as he sat in the boardroom. He was meeting with the big three - Mr. M, Mr. S, and Mr. A - the founders of the Animalian channel. He greatly admired them and was more than a little intimidated to be pitching his ideas to his idols.
"Sirs, I would like to introduce a new character to the show...."
"Is the character inherently good?" asked Mr. S.
"Well, she is a bit of a bad girl. A wild card, if you will ...."
"No, no bad characters. Every character must be good and wholesome. We don't want any super-villains! This isn't a cartoon show! " said Mr. S.
"For the love of God, not this again, " said Alan. He closed his eyes and sighed, running his fingers down the sides of his nose. "How many times do I need to explain this to you? Just because someone is bad doesn't mean they are a supervillain!"
"I understand that, " said Mr. M. "But we want to be realistic. The show is supposed to represent 'real-life', not fantasy."
"And you think a town without bad people is realistic? There are bad people in the real world. Criminals, scam-artists, bullies, racists, people who abuse their authority (police officers, politicians, bosses), and people who care more about their own selfish needs than others, " said Alan. "I mean, the series has gifted a large number of people with enhanced strength and agility. Statistically, at least one of them should be a bad person who would try to use their power for personal gain. It is just logical. I don't mean trying to 'take over the world' or some nonsense. But seriously - no converted kid ever thought about getting back at the bullies that teased him or her? No one has tried to curry favors - political or financial - because of their status as an Animalian? Or just simply tried to rob a bank?"
"Oh, that would never happen. The Rhino guard and the electronic surveillance drones prevent all crime, no matter how small," said Mr. M.
"A town without crime? And you think that is realistic? Is it like that where you live? Because I would like to move there!" said Alan.
"Okay, we are getting a little off topic. Tell us more about your character, " said Mr. A.
"Yes, what type of animal did she convert from? Or is she an uplifted animal?" asked Mr. S.
"Well, she is a little unique. She is a mixture of eagle and lion, kind of like a gryphon..."
"No mythical creatures!"
"But she is not mythical. She just looks like a gryphon. She was created using a mixture of lion and eagle DNA...."
"Sorry, Alan, but we can't allow a chimera of any kind. We are trying to be scientifically accurate, " said Mr. M.
"Wait - isn't the basis of this show a virus that can perfectly blend the characteristics of a human and animal without any complications or physical defects in a matter of minutes? And once inside a subject, it magically mutates so that it can only create a clone of its first target? A virus that can survive in water indefinitely without degrading? A virus that can cross between different species without any problem whatsoever? And don't even get me started about the 'double-dosing' that miraculously turns the subjects into bodybuilders. All of that is plausible, but you draw the line at creating chimeras? " asked Alan.
"Yes, " said Mr. M. "We can only stretch the illusion of reality so far. Plus, the chimeras would run amok and create problems in Animalia, possibly destroying it. They would be too powerful."
"How is a gryphon more dangerous than a lion? Or a lizard with wings more dangerous than a big dinosaur? These rules just don't make sense to me," said Alan.
"Oh, I get it. You are just still angry that we rejected Shigeko, your giant kaiju monster. You just wanted to create some villain to destroy Animalia! She was too big and powerful! She didn't fit in at Animalia," said Mr. S.
"Which is why I had her living in Japan. I never intended for her to live in Animalia or even visit it. And I certainly didn't intend for her to 'destroy' anything. If you actually read the story, you would have seen that she was a gentle giant. She went out of her way to avoid hurting people. She wasn't meant to be a villain. She was supposed to be a metaphor for people with a disability that prevented them from leaving home, like morbid obesity, agoraphobia, photophobia, or just plain social anxiety disorder. I had planned a storyline describing how she coped with her loneliness and isolation (Hint, it wasn't going to be a rampage - she was going to develop a positive relationship with Jeremy through videoconferencing), " said Alan. "She was supposed to show some of the downsides of becoming an Animalian, how not all those converted enjoyed being an Animalian...."
"No, everyone must be happy after they are converted. We are trying to be realistic," said Mr. M.
"But, is that really believable? The first people to be converted were changed accidentally because they were not aware of the outbreak. Do you really expect your audience to believe that every single person that was converted in the chaos is happy to be a hybrid animal? Don't get me wrong - I would love for it to happen to me. But I think the vast majority of the rest of the world would rather be human, " said Alan. "Even if they chose to be converted, it stretches credibility very thin if we are supposed to believe that no one ever regretted their choice, not just to be converted but the animal they chose to be converted with. I mean, I have friends that regret getting tattoos. Surely something that affects your body in such a profound way would have many more disgruntled customers second-guessing their decision after the fact. Not everyone would like losing their legs to a snake tail, not being able to eat the same things or the same way, or not being able to travel anywhere because you don't fit in, socially or physically. There has to be at least one person who regrets their decision."
"They are not! Every person is carefully screened before conversion so they have no regrets. And the classes and training help every person love their new body, despite the limitations," said Mr. S.
"Sorry, I just don't find that plausible. Some people want something till they get it, then realize they don't really want it. Or can't handle the problems that come with their body after the transformation."
"Again, I think we are getting off topic. Shigeko was rejected not just because of her size. You also added in regeneration and asexual reproduction. The world would have been overrun with people trying to mate with Shigeko so they could be kaiju," said Mr. A.
"That is actually the opposite of what I wanted. Shigeko was meant to be one of a kind, thus adding to her loneliness. The 'asexual reproduction' was meant to prevent perverts from propositioning her. Although if it was a concern, it could have been easily remedied. Her body had yet to be studied- one throwaway line about her being sterile would have ended the whole problem. Or just say that the virus in her blood was not contagious, like Heather, " said Alan. "I purposely made her origin bizarre so it would be impossible to reproduce another character like her."
"Again, we are getting a little off topic. Shigeko simply did not make a good fit for our universe, I am sorry. Neither does Gilda, I am afraid. They were just not compelling characters. They seemed like stereotypes," said Mr. A.
"Not compelling enough? A stereotype? At least they had some distinguishing features! I am not a professional writer, but I have picked up a few things. For example, the character test. There is a litmus test to see if your character has depth. You just have to answer a few questions:
1) Name five characteristics that make your character different from others in the story (only one can be physical)
2) Name five significant things the character has done or have been done to them
(if all the things have been done to them, they are a Mary Sue archetype)
3) Name your character's greatest accomplishment
4) Name your character's deepest regret or failure
5) What is your character's current dream, hope, desire, or goal?
If these questions cannot be answered by reading your story, then your character is one-dimensional. Aside from Abby (who seems to have disappeared) or Heather (who was written by a guest author who was fired), can even one of your other characters pass this simple test?"
"I take offense to that. Sophie has done alot..." began Mr. M.
"No, she has done the same thing multiple times. She has visited places and explored or described construction. Other than her desire to be a pterodactyl and her love for Roland, I couldn't name one distinguishing characteristic. She is simply a narrative device used to act as a tour guide for Animalia. At times she almost began to develop into a character - her feelings about being separated from her friends was the start of an interesting storyline. Would she be jealous? Would she drift apart from her friends? Would she resent her friends because of their uplifted status? Those were compelling questions I was eager to see answered. But it was resolved very quickly and without any drama or consequences. She can still visit her friends - they all still like each other - and she will be uplifted in a year's time. Way to kill the suspense by setting a deadline, by the way. Do you really expect your audience to spend several months reading travel logs and construction reports waiting for Sophie to finally get uplifted?"
"We have some interesting storylines to keep them entertained. Visiting the new Animalian colony and showing how it is set up, visiting the school and describing how it is built to accommodate Animalians, visiting the Fall Carnival and describing the event..."
"That doesn't sound like a story, it sounds like a travel blog. Can you understand my previous complaint? You spend alot of time creating an intricate world but don't do anything with it. Well, other than uplift another animal and describe how it finds a mate. Stories need to have things happen - conflicts, drama, something. I don't mean a massive war or fight. But something, " said Alan.
"Well, what would you suggest?" asked Mr. A.
"Why not start with cliques? Most of the characters are in high school, are they not?" asked Alan.
"Oh great. Cliques. How cliché!"
"What's wrong with a cliché? They exist for a reason. Because we see them often. They are the rule rather than the exception. You wanted realistic - well, cliques are as real as you can get. I dare you to find a high school without any cliques. It is human nature for people to split into groups based on common interest. Inevitably, these groups do not get along. Here you have a school with people drastically changed into something else. And you mean to tell me that the converted students didn't form their own clique? It would have been really interesting to see how humans and Animalians viewed Sophie as she hung out with an Animalian crew. Would she be viewed as a wannabe or a traitor to her own kind? The issue was briefly touched upon when Abby met Sophie, but it quickly fizzled out and amounted to nothing. I am really surprised that cliques didn't develop within the Animalian group itself - like members of the same species sticking together or even dividing into groups with similar characteristics like predators and prey," said Alan.
"The school provides classes and training that eliminates all racist thoughts, " said Mr. M.
"Really? So they have perfected mind control?" asked Alan.
"No, don't be ridiculous. You know what he means," said Mr. S.
"I apologize, I do. But the idea that some class will curb human nature is about as plausible as mind control. We have classes in schools like that today, but we have the same problem. It is human nature to hang out with people who share similar interests. No amount of training can curb that."
"But in our world, we have. Every Animalian likes and respects all other Animalians. There is no animosity between different Animalians or other people. Well, except for the caricature of the President and the online troll stereotype. Period. Next idea."
"Okay, since we dealing with young people, let's talk about another problem common in their age group - rape..."
"No, rape is disgusting. It can't happen in Animalia! Are you some kind of pervert? " asked Mr. S.
"I agree, rape is disgusting. No one approves of it. That is why it is illegal. But that doesn't prevent it from happening. Pretending it doesn't exist is pretty unrealistic. I would never glorify rape, but it seems like when people are uplifted, gaining enhanced strength with a tremendously increased libido, rape would be a problem. To ignore it seems like a greater crime," said Alan.
"No, the Rhino Guard prevents all crime, including rape," said Mr. M.
"Of course, how could I forget. The totally realistic Rhino Guard prevents all crime. I guess that negates my next plot line - a kidnapping," said Alan.
"Oh, here we go again. Another supervillain scenario," said Mr. S.
"Actually, kidnappings do occur in the real world. Children are snatched everyday and they have far less value than an Animalian. According to the guidelines, the blood of an Animalian is a panacea, able to cure any disease. You don't think someone might want to kidnap an Animalian to sell that cure on the black market? Or sell an Animalian to a research company or foreign government who might want to study them? Or some pervert with a furry fetish might not want to keep an Animalian captive as their own personal sex slave? Frankly, I am surprised that Lyre has not already been inundated with furries trying to hook up with an Animalian."
"The Rhino Guard together with surveillance and help from the government..."
"Of course, of course. No crime. I get it. So how about some family drama. Every family is a little dysfunctional. That's reality. But in Animalia, there doesn't seem to be any problems. No parents disown their children, no sibling is jealous of their uplifted sibling or resents them for choosing to become uplifted and embarrass them, no human gets teased at school because their sibling has been uplifted or because they don't want to be uplifted like their sibling, no sibling uses their enhancement to pick on their weaker sibling, no one defies their parents to get uplifted, no extended family members (grandparents, uncle/aunt) oppose uplifting, no spouse uses their gift to physically or mentally abuse their partner. How about some uplifted parents trying to force their child to be uplifted (like how some parents try to force their religion on their children)? Or a family that resents having to care for the special needs of an uplifted person?"
"Or forget the family. Let's look at some familiar tropes - the Romeo and Juliet scenario. A person falls in love with an uplifted, but doesn't want to be converted. They love the person, but don't want to become an animal to be with them. Or people uplifted from two different animals fall in love. It seems like all mates are the same species. But isn't it possible that people with different species might fall in love after conversion if they like their personality? Or maybe they were converted against their will in the outbreak and didn't have a choice. Better yet, a person tries to force someone to be their mate by converting them to the same species against their will. Maybe Roland has a stalker who forces him to become ...."
"No! Roland will be with Sophie. He will be uplifted with her when the time is right. It is how it is supposed to be!"
"But that's just my point! In the real world, bad things happen to good people. Car crash, losing a job, a death in the family. Life in the real world has ups and downs, just like a rollercoaster. If everything is good and goes as it is expected, it gets very boring, like a kiddie ride. It is the unexpected that keeps the eyes of a reader glued to the page, eager to see how their favorite character will react to this surprising development," said Alan. "Look, I know you love your characters. Every artist loves the things they create - they are like their children. But at some point you have to let them grow up and that involves some kind of loss or tragedy. It doesn't have to be an earth-shattering event, but at least something negative should happen to them. Do you think JK Rawling liked having Harry Potter lose his friend and mentor Dumbledore? Or that Robert Kirkman liked chopping off Rick's hand in the Walking Dead?"
"There he goes again - are we supposed to add zombies into the mix now?" said Mr. S.
"No, of course not. But you should follow his example in crafting stories. Robert Kirkman said that his story could have any disaster as the backdrop - zombies, a meteor strike, a plague. What was more important were the characters and how they reacted. What makes the Walking Dead interesting is not the zombies - it's the clash of very unique characters with different personalities and motivations as they all try to cope with a problem. In Animalia, there is no conflict and the characters are all the same. They are all good, they are all happy to be Animalians, they all agree on the issues. The only real difference between them is their choice of animal. And there are no significant problems or conflicts in Animalia. Aside from some disagreements with the President and some delays in construction, nothing profound has ever happened. Well, aside from the attack by Heather, which was also quickly resolved. One of the few interesting characters was quickly neutered and given a lobotomy so she would be just like all the other Animalians."
"Those are interesting ideas, but they don't fit with our show. We want to keep it simple and focus on everyday activities. We could maybe address it in the Animalia Ambassadoria show..."
"A few throwaway lines that try to explain away the issue rather than address it? No thank you. What makes a show interesting is watching the drama unfold. If you casually brush it away off-screen, it is not entertaining, " said Alan. "But, ultimately, it is your show. If you want to continue with a Leave it to Beaver style - wait, that's not right. The Beaver at least had some problem or conflict to resolve every show. Maybe a soap opera - no, that's not right. The characters on that show scheme and plot against one another for our entertainment. I guess the closest I can come to describe the current format is a children's educational program, where they just show you places and events, describe how things are built, and occasionally feature an animal. Nothing threatening, no challenge, no danger, no risk. Well, if that is the format you want to promote, that's your prerogative. But personally, it's not something I would like to read. I may sneak a peak once in a while, but if it is just more of the same I probably won't pay much attention to it. "
Alan slowly packed away his things.
"I thank you for your time. Please don't take this personally. Just because someone critiques your work doesn't make them a 'hater' or a 'troll'. If they take the time to make a comment it is usually because they enjoy the show and want to help it improve. It is poor form to attack the messenger instead of the message. A mature writer will at least listen to their critics. They may not take their advice, but they will consider what their fans are saying and keep an open mind. I hope you can, too. Good day..."
Alan left the room and walked down the hallway, looking for another channel to pitch his ideas.