Ben was miserable and noticing his lack of testosterone. His son hadn't been given any of his genetic aptitudes for being the biggest, meanest looking guy around. Took more after his mother and had always been a bit on the frail side. Ben had grown up the envy of every guy he knew. He was just so...looming. He loved looking down at other men. Now, even average sized and even short adult men loomed over him like giants. It was humiliating! He used to loom over that twerpy assistant principal. He loved being able to outsize and outalpha any other man just from his posture. Now, he was constantly trying not to collide with much bigger guys than him that didn't look where they were going! Unluckily the 7th through 12th graders had consolidated into the same building in this area for decades. He had to be one of the shortest kids in the entire school. 12 years old but he looked 7 or 8! He looked so much smaller! He burned with desperation, fear, trepidation and panic at the thought of making one of them angry with him and no no no this isn't me this isn't me I'm not Brad, I'm me! I'm his father. He takes after his mother's side of the family but he's just wispy and I have so many more muscles but now they are gone noooo!
"Mr. Monahan," the teacher said testily. "Nice of you to finally join us!" He gulped. He had come in exactly one minute late and he almost got detention from that twerp of a vice principal. I want to punch him! How dare that guy talk to me like that! No one talks to me like that! I am an adult man and twice as much man as that fucking punk!
He wanted to scream with fury as he sat down to take Brad's test. At first he wrote his own name, Ben Monahan, before remembering whose body he was in. He shook his head. His emotions were going everywhere and it was all due to the lack of testosterone. 'And the bewildering sense of dizziness over everyfuckingbody being so goddamn bigger than me!' he thought. 'I'm so angry over this. That little shit switched our goddamn bodies and how the fuck are we going to get back? What if there is no going back? We tried everything and we don't know anything about it. Where it comes from, how it works, if it will ever work again. Some trinket thrown in an attic no one knew about and here it was, switching me into my son's body. He started sweating as he worked out the math problems.
He had to remember how to do these. It was basic fucking math. It was easy. Except, he had to really think about how to do some of the problems. He hadn't seen a square root in a while, he'd been laying plumbing pipes in and installing windows for years just to afford the little they had, and finally got the down payment on that house and she was there, my wife, and we moved into it and had Brad and he was so adorable and looked like you. But then you died and Brad was only three so I had to bring my sister to live with me so I could afford to do everything and then she left when Brad was 5 and I was on my own. It was so hard to be a dad to him and work all the time without anyone else around. Does he ever think of that? No, he thinks it's just easy to be a grownup. Jesus, he doesn't know how to do anything. I hope he doesn't fuck everything up. Maybe he can somehow remember it from my brain? I mean he has my brain right now, odd as that is. And I...I have his brain. I wonder if I can remember how to do this problem...
He tried to access his son's memories. There! He smiled. He continued doing this until the test was over. He was really proud of himself! He was gonna get an A for sure. That would show Dad!
He shook his head. NO I AM THE DAD. Jesus. What is wrong with my thoughts? ...
It was lunchtime and thank God for that. Navigating between a sea of teenagers all much taller than him, he found himself burning with desire over some girl with long hair. What the hell? She's way too young! Holy hell, I'm that young. Ben found himself getting really hot for the teenage girls his son found attractive. He shouldn't be surprised. He was 12 and on the cusp of puberty, he hoped. His son needed testosterone now, dammit. So that I could grow up big and strong! he thought. Wait. No, I won't be growing up with this body. That's Brad's job! It's his job to be the kid, his job, not mine! He wanted to cry like a stupid little baby and pictured himself saying that to his son. Brad hated whining, especially from his son and it was NOT permitted, ever. But now Ben felt like a little sissy baby and wanted to cry in front of everyone for not having a big kid body before like he had when he was the dad.
He shook his head. Got some grubby kid food from the cafeteria. Found himself sitting alone with two other nerds sat next to him. Ben looked around him. All the cool jock kids were sitting over there. Why aren't I sitting over there? That's where the hottest guys are. Goddamn, that Jack is good looking. Fucking cute as hell. Wait, that kid was only 13! He was way too young and oh I'm Brad now and Brad thinks he's hot. I'm that kid's age. That's so crazy! I'm almost 13! I'm gonna hit puberty any day now and then I'll be big like Dad, he'll see!
"Hey, Brad, could you get me the statue thing back?"
"Statue thing?" Holy shit, this is the kid responsible for me not being an adult anymore! "Yeah, where does that statue thing come from again?"
"The attic."
"Yes, I know the attic. But it's Native American. Who had it before?"
"My Grandpa. I think he lived in Arizona. Can I have it back?"
"That narrows it down somewhat, it could be Navajo but we can do research later to see if any tribes there have art designs close to the one we have. I'm just going to have to take over on that project as it might be our best chance," he said in an uncharacteristic tone, with conviction and confidence in his voice. "What's your name?" Ben asked desperately, grabbing the kid by his shoulders and leading him out of and away from the cafeteria doors. "Hey, Hector, watch out lunches!" He led the other boy down the hallway, dragging the kid with him into an empty classroom.
"What do you mean, what is my name? It's Jeremy. Holy shit, are you okay? You look like you're going to faint."
"What if I told you that thing actually has magic powers? Would you believe me?" Ben wore a very serious expression on his 12 year old's face.
"Uh, I mean. I don't know. Really?"
"It switched our bodies. I'm Ben! ME. BEN. THE DAD. I'm the Dad. He's the son. He's in my body at work. YOU have to get this thing to work and switch our damn bodies back before I explode on everyone's ass!"
"OH, my God," Jeremy squeaked. "You...you couldn't be. I mean, it's not possible."
"Kid, when I was your age I was in scouting and a military school for a year and they kicked my ass. You need a good swift one right now! I swear, if you don't figure out a way," he said, shaking his finger at Jeremy, "to switch us the hell back, I'll make sure I switch you with a cocker spaniel. We can get it to work at least once, which makes me think maybe any two people can switch so long as I have it in my possession."
"You don't know how it works!" Jeremy squeaked accusingly.
"Ohh, I'll figure it out. I'm in construction. We are born to solve problems! I can figure out any tool and I'll figure out that thing, with your help, after school you're coming home with me and we'll tell your mom you're doing homework."
"I'll need your Dad to tell her over the phone," he replied.
"I AM MY DAD! I MEAN MY SON! THIS IS SO CONFUSING!" Ben exploded.
"Okay, okay! I'll call you Mr. Monahan! That should work."
"Okay," Ben said, calming down. "I need a cigarette! Fuck!"
"Dude, you can't smoke in here! Are you crazy?!" Jeremy yelled at him. He was very glad most kids were still in the cafeteria. He didn't even have time to eat his pizza roll. Ben looked at his cigarette with frustration.
'Maybe I can smoke outside somewhere without being seen', he thought, stuffing the cigarette back in his pocket.
Ben said goodbye to Jeremy, thanked him, and the kid went back to the cafeteria. I need to calm down, Ben thought. He briefly went into the bathroom. No one was around yet, they were all eating and he didn't care about food. I want to smoke a goddamn cigarette and look at me, I look like a little tiny kid! Why couldn't I be at least 16? Fuck! Fuck you spirit world! I did NOT want this! Fuck you! I want us switched back and I
"I want it done NOW, motherfuckers! Spirit world douchebags! I'm a grown man and you put me in a 12 year old's body! How fucked up is THAT! I never wanted this, and you know that!"
Suddenly, Ben wasn't in the bathroom anymore, at least not the school's. He was in a big huge expensive looking, well lit bathroom with marble everywhere. A golden door opened just across from him. Staring around him, confused but suddenly convinced he shouldn't have talked to the spirit world that way, Ben moved as if nudged by an unseen force until he was in the middle of a desert. The door closed behind him. There was a mesa above him, casting a maroon shadow across the sky.
"Hey! Asshole!" a guy wandered over and sat down. He had the look of a half white half Native man in a suit that looked straight out of the 70s, a particular weave in his hazy brown suit gave it away. "The fuck, you have a problem with me, motherfucker? Naw, I'm just kidding. I'm your spirit guide, dude! I’m Gordon."
"Spirit guide?"
“I prefer Gordon.”
“Hi, Gordon,” Ben said, a little weirded out.
"Yeah, we usually can't communicate directly with you or interfere in your life at all physically. I mean, we do other shit. We're very busy up there. Anyway, you got an item that goes way, way back. You really lucked out."
"Lucked OUT? I'm in my 12 year old son's body! That's a nightmare!"
"Well it's not supPOSED to be a nightmare. Geez, you're looking at this all wrong, Ben, c'mere." His spirit guide patted the wide stone couch he was sitting on. Suddenly there was a pool of water in a small bricked pond behind him. "You're supposed to find the humor in this. You always wished deep down you could show Brad up by proving you could do a better job of being him than he could! You know, beat up the bullies and not take any crap from anyone!"
"But everyone is bigger than me! I have so few advantages. I mean, I can remember how to fight but...it's a...affecting me."
"Well yeah, you're absorbing your son's energy. He's pretty mellow. You're the one always flying off the handle and yelling at him. I know, it's my job to watch you all the time. It's like the only show I'm allowed to watch."
"Well I want MY energy back!"
“Well, you can’t HAVE it back! I gave it to Brad. Now he’s remembering how to do your job so don’t worry about a thing!”
“What do you mean, “Don’t worry about a thing!”? What else would I do? I’m trapped in the body of a child!”
“Geez, you are so hung up on that, buddy.”
“Please just change us back.” He stood in front of the man who was still sitting, looking him directly in the eye.
“I will if you spend some time as each other first. Your spirit energies are both very similar but you need to understand that. You are equally as strong as each other, Ben. You’re going to have some fun once you embrace it.”
“How long? Just tell me how long?”
“I dunno. Until I am convinced you’ve learned something. Might be a week. Or a year. I guess we’ll see!” Gordon said cheerfully.
“Now wait a minute!”
“Okay, I’ll give you one minute before sending you back. Be nice to your son and really switch roles with him. Let him be completely in charge of you and he will get your adult knowledge on how to do things. Emotionally, you two need to really step into each other’s shoes. I want you to experience this so you appreciate him. And vice versa. He’s going to see how hard it is to constantly struggle to be a father to you. He will be paying all the bills and take care of all of your problems, too. Doesn’t that sound like a deal? Why wouldn’t you stay as your son?” Gordon said convincingly. “It would be fun. It would be like a year long vacation!”
“Or um, month long?”
“A month long vacation! And maybe you’ll enjoy it so much you’ll make it two months. I want a report in a month’s time about how you two feel then. It’s only been a day and already look at all you’re experiencing. So exciting.” Gordon put his hand on Ben’s tiny shoulder. “Well, bye!”
Suddenly, Ben was in the school bathroom again. No more spirit guide, and he didn’t feel better after getting the answers he had. A week, a month, a year…before returning to his life as an adult nearly took his breath away. The door swung open and he felt panic as he saw…
Mikey Evanston and Ricky Shiner, the two biggest bullies ever. They were maybe 14 and 15 but they may as well have been 20 to him. Smiles that could kill. God, they looked good, he thought ashamedly.
“HEY LOOK IT’S WIDDLE BWAD!” the much bigger boy that was Mikey said, picking him up from behind and dumping him on the floor. There were three boys now surrounding him, the third being their lackey and newest thug addition, Peter Horn. What a name. More like Peter Horny, that kid had an obvious package behind those tight jeans.
“AW POOR WIDDLE BWAD!” Peter swung at him and he ducked, then Peter shoved him until he almost slipped into a urinal.
“YOU GONNA TELL SOMEONE, FAGGOT?” Ricky Shiner asked him with two fists bared.
“I’VE SEEN THE WAY YOU LOOK AT US IN GYM, FAGGOT. YOU CAN’T GET ENOUGH.” Mikey told him. “Always lookin at my dick, huh, Fag?” he said, clapping Ben on the shoulders way too hard. As they circled him, he suddenly looked up at them menacingly.
“I’ll give you idiots one chance to let me walk out of here. And if you don’t? I’m going to rearrange your FACE!” Ben yelled as he threw himself on top of Ricky, since he was the shortest at 5’6”. As the boy with dark, model coiffed hair and killer smile struggled to throw him off, the other two came around to either side. Ben jumped off before Mikey could kick him, and then used the boy’s own momentum when he came at him to do the same thing, pin him down, and with a few karate moves, twisted the other boy around until he was on the floor and Ben pile drived him. Mikey howled in pain and the entire attack had been completely unexpected from him. He ran out of the bathroom and when the boys made their way out, he hid in plain sight, calmly walking through the hallway of kids getting things in their lockers to prepare for the next class. He turned around to look them directly in the eye. He let them approach him.
“Do you wanna DIE, Faggot?”
“No,” Ben pretended to look confused as the assistant principal grumbled “MIKEY! Do you think that’s appropriate language? I don’t. I told you not to curse yesterday when you loudly said the word that I won’t say that sounds like dastard. You’re getting detention for today! No more cursing! And you, get to class!” he said down to Ben. Mikey deathglared him as he left. It was so disorientating. He kept on having to look UP at all the adults!
Gym class went surprisingly well. Ben pushed his small body to the limit it could go for track. This was not competition but rather practice, and he found he was in the middle as far as the fastest kids went. It was nice not to be on the bottom!
Finally, the bell rang and he was free. In just fifteen minutes, Brad would come with Jake, with hopefully Jake driving and they could take him out of this place. But then his cel phone went off.
“Hey, dad,” he heard his own grown up adult voice say. “I mean…uh…It’s YOUR dad, dad. Son! I’m not the son, you are.”
“What is wrong with you today?” Jake asked Brad in the background.
“Dad, I had to drive all the way from Smithville and I did it by myself!” Brad had walked away from hearing distance so no one would ask why he was talking to his father.
“What?” Ben replied in his pipsqueak voice. “What the hell do you mean you drove a truck!? You’re twelve goddamn years old!”
“Nuh uh, I’m 37 now! I’m 6’2”, so I’m tall enough to reach the pedals. I did such a good job, Dad. You should have seen me!”
“I don’t know what’s going on here, but it has to be that charm,” Ben said in his son’s childish voice. Nothing he said came out as authoritative as he wanted it to. “Son, I can’t go on the bus. I just can’t. You can’t make me. There are kids everywhere. It’s dangerous here!”
Ben had seen all three boys that had tried to beat him up earlier and they all looked at him furiously.
“Oh, son. It’s not that bad,” Brad said in an overexaggerated voice. “You’ll be fine, SON! I love you, SON! Now you have the house key with you, right, SON?”
“Yes, but send me an Uber. Send something! Let me tell you what happened. I-“
“Don’t worry, Dad. I’m the grown up now and I’m gonna do an amazing job. I’ll be home a little late because of the delivery. But I’m getting paid overtime, which is great.”
“You have to get me out of-“ The three boys were closing in and he broke into a run, listening to his son continue to impersonate him.
“OH, gotta go, Dad. It’s that asshole Carruthers. He’s gonna yell at me unless I get back. Just keep going to classes and stuff.” Brad hung up.
He ran all the way onto the bus. Dammit, all the seats near the bus driver were taken. He had to sit in the back. All three bullies were nearby, staring at him. When they got off, he broke into a run towards his house. He should have said something to the bus driver but he was just too damn embarrassed! And they got off in the wrong neighborhood! Just to chase him?? That was insane!
He found himself running really fast until he got to the house and he opened the door with the keys as quickly as he possibly could and locked the door behind him with relief.
He trudged in to the kitchen fridge and helped himself to food. Glorious food. He had had to skip lunch so he could talk to the spirit world and find out Brad wasn’t kidding because these kids were little shits!
He helped himself to a Heineken. “I’m drinking this beer and no one can fucking stop me!” he yelled to no one in particular. “When my son gets home I’ll tell him I can drink beer and he can’t. I’m still the adult of this household!” He ate his food and drank his beer and continued to lounge on the sofa, which was just so big and comfy…he dazed as his eyelids fluttered and he fell asleep…and he had completely forgotten about Jeremy and how he was supposed to come over!