Chad stripped naked in the field house, and opened the bottle of wood oil. He was ten minutes early, and he wanted to look super shiny for his date. The wood oil felt warm and good on his bare skin. The instructions said to pour part of it on top of his head, and some on each shoulder, and his chest, and then to wait for it to flow down his body, when it stops flowing, rub it in, and apply more. He swore that the oil made his tan deeper as he applied the third coat. His thinking had slowed, as had his breathing. The wood oil was permeating every pore of his body, and every cell. He felt good, and a bit mindless. He didn't notice his body stiffening, but just before he totally passed out, he heard a man say, "Looking good, stud."
His dark bliss passed. He heard a cell phone alarm chiming. He was lying flat on his back. He couldn't move.
"Awake, Stud?" asked Ed.
Chad couldn't answer.
"Dude, I called you stud, but really you've been planked. Originally, I had planned to use you as studs, but that would mean cutting you up, and you're such a fine hunk of wood. Twenty two inches wide, and 10 feet long. So, I proposed sanding you down, using a clear stain, and make you into a bench for the swim team. Sinclair nixed that though, unless I paint you. Apparently, all athletic area benches have to be painted the school colors. Either Blue or White. But I mean what's the point, if you cannot see. So I proposed plan B, use you as a bench in the sauna. But as Woodshop teacher and head of the athletic department, Sinclair still has final say," Ed sighed. "Anyway coach said he prefers slats, but he'd let me try you out for a few days, and see if the jocks prefer a solid plank or slats."
Ed pulled out a phone, and set it to selfie mode then he held so Chad could see himself. He was a fucking wooden plank. How? The wood oil? Why was Ed doing this to him? Of course, wood can't speak, so no one answered his questions.
"Hey, Ed!" said Bruno entering, "That the board you want me to help you carry to the sauna?"
"Yeah, that's the plank," Ed answered.
"Plank? Whoa, that brings back memories. Remember when we played Ed, Edd, and Eddy in the Cul De Sac, when we were kids? I was Jonny, and Chad was plank."
"Chad was Plank?" Ed had forgotten that part. "I thought he was Kevin or was I Kevin?"
"No, Ed, you were Ed. Remember, you always wore that stocking cap. Kevin was a were plank."
"A wereplank?"
"Yeah, he was studly Kevin part of the time, and he was studlier Plank the rest of the time."
"Chad?"
"Yeah, you know strong silent type. And he was even on the football team back then."
"Kevin?"
"Plank?"
"Oh," said Ed, "Well, I never was really into that game that much. You wanna help be carry Chad to the sauna, Jonny," he said with a snicker.
"Right, I got this end,"
Ed took the other end, and they carried Chad out of the woodshop and over to the athletic building. Inside they headed to the men's locker room, and then the sauna. It took some maneuvering to get the plank through the door and around the corner, but the two did it. The sauna was roasting. Ed was sweating, but Bruno in his Speedo seemed to be enjoying himself. The positioned Chad on the top bench covering the slats. He was a tight, but nearly perfect fit.