Steph packed the last of the boxes going to the inner city. She missed the kids there, and looked forward to seeing them again. She looked over at Adam, who stood by the windows, looking out at the rain, pensively.
"Penny for your thoughts?"
Adam shook his head dismissively. "It's nothing. I was just thinking about the trial and wondering how Kyle Bidne - or whatever he's called now - is doing."
Stephany walked over, rubbing Adam's back. "Hey, don't worry, he can't hurt you any more."
"It's not that," Adam said. "It's just, he wasn't all bad. I mean, he could be nice, at times."
Steph looked incredulous. "I get that, but Adam..." her hands framed his face, looking into his eyes, "This is the same guy who stole two years of your life. Who had a bad day and came home and beat you, on two different occassions."
"I know," Adam replied. "I didn't say it makes sense. How much in life does? It's just... even after everything that happened, I still care about him, even if he didn't care about me in the end. When things were good, they were really good."
"Good?" Stephany asked her boyfriend, incredulous. "How is someone turning you into their subserviant punching bag to abuse and use a good thing?"
"I can't explain it. Maybe it's a guy thing, but there were times when I was with him, and he seemed happy, and I felt safe. I felt protected, and like I needed him and as long as he was happy I would be okay. And it's not like I'm perfect... I put him through hell as his roommate, and I'm really sorry about that now."
"Wow." Steph walked back to the boxes, then turned back to Adam. "You have no idea how messed up what you just said is, do you? Okay, so you were a complete asshole to him, I can see that. But that doesn't give him the right to turn you into his animal slave girl! He USED you, Adam, programmed you for TWO YEARS to need him and please him, and then without a care for you or thought to consequences, just ups and boots you out of his life? How is that caring? He didn't even think about you as if you were a person - but you ARE a person and what he did to you was a crime!"
Adam just looked back out the window. "I can't help it."
Steph was angry. "Well, fortunately for you, there are people who value you - even if you don't value yourself - and we both know Kyle certainly didn't value you! You told me he talked to you about being obedient, otherwise he might snap some day and kill you. Do you remember that? Because I do."
Adam sighed. "Yeah, I know."
"What kind of person even THINKS about killing someone else? Not a happy one, I can tell you that!"
"Well, it's not so uncommon these days, what with all the daily headlines."
Steph's turn to sigh. "I know. It's horrible that there are so many hurting and unhappy people, and I suppose in their own warped, backwards ways the horrible things they do are a way for reaching out for help."
"No, that's not it," Adam stopped her. "The point is, they don't SEE any hope... they've given up, and decided if they can't beat the pain, they'll share it and inflict it on as nany others as they can - sort of a way of being heard. Like saying, 'You hurt me, and now I'm going to hurt you back because I matter too'."
"Maybe," Steph conceded, "But they hardly ever get the people who hurt them, they lash out blindly and hurt innocents. I suppose in their minds they're victims even when they're doing horrible things themselves - they probably rationalize what they're doing, that others had it coming."
"Or join a cuase that's destructive, so they feel like they matter more and belong to something bigger," Adam said. "But it's still mind-boggling, Kyle really thought of himself as a victim, and never seemed to stop to think how he victimized others."
Steph shook her head. "Prisons are full of people who think of themselves as victims. People who think only of how they've been hurt and what they themselves are owed, and don't think about what they've taken from others because their thoughts go immediately to "what about me?""
Adam sighed again. "Thing is, I really did care about him. and I know you'll hate me for saying this... but I miss him sometimes, and even miss being his sow."
Steph sighed. "I know. I've known all along. He played quite a number on you... Just give it time. The more you focus on helping others, I truly believe the more you'll heal from that giving and the real love you'll get back. Let's face it, what you had with him might have been caring in some way, but it wasn't love... Love doesn't behave that way. It was more like addiction."
Adam looked back out the windows. "The truck will be here soon for our shipment. I'll go get the paperwork." He turned to go.
"I love you," Steph called after him.
"Love you too."
Worry nagged at the corners of her mind.