"That's just fucking, eww," Jessica thought as she clicked on an image that depicted the proper way to insert a tampon. Clicking on an arrow, which brought up the next image, she pushed away from the computer. Moaning out, "And girls do that once a month, for three to five days?! Ugh!" and looking down, seeing the swell of her chest and her cleavage, she whimpered, "How am I going to do this for the next four years?"
The feeling of wanting to cry coming over her, she sniffed and glanced at the computer. The screen still showing an image of how a tampon should look when properly inserted, she shuddered. Disturbed by the fact that she couldn't see her own genitals any more, that she would have to, as she thought it, either put a pad in her panties or stick a wad of cotton up into her body when it started bleeding from a place she couldn't even see, Jessica sniffed again. Reaching out, she clicked on the icon to minimise.
Upset by what she'd consented to look at, thinking it was as bad as the website that explained how to masturbate, she hugged herself and clamped her legs firmly together. Whimpering, "I wish I was still a guy," she looked at the computer clock. Seeing that she had been studying how to be a girl for nearly an hour and thirty minutes, she pushed away from the computer and stood.
A quick stretch and she moved over to her bed. Flopping down on it, she reached for one of the stuffed animals. Hugging it close, she stared up at the ceiling, thinking. She didn't believe she'd learned everything a girl learned. Mentally going over all that she'd read, Jessica ticked off the stuff about clothes, which included matching, colour coordinating, age appropriateness, and the names of the garments she found in her dresser, among other things. Then there was the sites on make-up and understanding skin tone, whether it was seasonal, how a person's age factored in, and the list went on. From there it was on to flirting, dating, puberty, masturbation, periods and sex, of which the she'd found the last four unnerving. Plus, there had been hair styles and styling, bathing and it went on from there.
"Being a girl is hard," she eventually decided as she wished, again, that she could be a boy, where she didn't have to worry about all the stuff she'd read, could see her genitals and didn't have to worry about what people thought.
"Or, at least have a girl's mind set," she whispered morosely.
A deep sigh escaping her, she looked down at the plush teddy bear she was cuddling. Setting the thing so that it was sitting on her pants, just below the waistline, she thought, "It would nice if I had a penis and testicles. And I could feel this plush pressing against them," and sighing again, she thought it would be nice to have anything pressed against them. "Even another girl," Jessica whispered as she considered what she would do if only she could be Jeff again.
Granted, her life as Jeff hadn't been that great to begin with. As Jeff, mom had been worked on and off, mostly off because she kept getting laid off, and was borderline verbally abusive most of the time. In high school, she'd almost made her first friend, but Neil had moved away shortly after they'd met at the start of twelfth grade. There'd been no siblings. And then there was the fact that her life had been fast-tracking to going nowhere. Huffing, she whispered, "I was a grade-A fucking loser," and looking down at the bear, she told it, "But I would rather be that loser again instead of someone I don't know the first thing about. Someone who is essentially high maintenance," and setting the plush back where she got, Jessica stood and started back toward the computer, figuring she had some time before aunt Carol got home.
Halfway there, she stopped and looked at herself in the mirror. Thinking that she was pretty and, if she was still Jeff, Jessica would be exactly be the type she'd find attractive. Stepping closer, studying the details of her body, she thought that being attracted to girls was now no longer possible, as she was positive her sexual attraction swung to guys. Thinking about what she read, she let her eyes stray down to her pants. Imagining spreading her legs and mounting a boy, she shuddered at the notion that she would probably enjoy it when it happened. Quickly turning away from the mirror, she strolled back to the computer. Pulling back up the tab she'd minimised, Jessica made a face at the images displayed, sighed, and continued reading about using a tampon.
Some time later, the clock on the computer reading well past four, but not quite five, Jessica stretched and rubbed her eyes as she heard from somewhere in the house a door closing. Closing the tabs she'd been looking at, most on how girls used the bathroom, but a couple were on potty training for girls, she stood and stretched. Her aunt's voice calling out, "Jessica? You home?" the teenage girl answered that she was as she thought, "All this stuff and I am no where close to understanding how to be a girl." Thinking about what she'd learned, and how her mind had rebelled that it wasn't right for her to know the stuff she was studying, she huffed in agitation. Stretching some more, she considered that it was more than simply reading stuff on the internet, but that she'd have to live like a girl in order to understand how to be one.
A heavy sigh and she quickly shut down her computer. Gazing around her room, she began to toy with the idea that maybe being around other girls would help. "Or, maybe I should just try and get the remote back and forget all this," she groused as she headed out of her room, deciding the first thing to do was to tell her aunt about making the squad, deciding aunt Carol would want to hear.