Now, obviously somebody has to be keeping track of how the development of this new Earth is progressing. With such a massive upheaval of human society as humanity of the past knew it, it's only natural for someone to want to catalog as much as they can for the posterity of the Multiversal Archive. That's where the Observer's Committee comes in.
Hello! My name is Laura, Observer model L4-R4 running KyPer Tech. Personality-Software v5. My body is made mostly of pink latex, from my hair to my feet. I'm shaped like a human girl from a cartoon, with green almond shaped eyes, no nose or mouth or ears, poofy pigtails, a bottom heavy hourglass body type, and pads for feet. Follow along with me as I interview some members of this society, as well as go into a little detail about various aspects of the slovenly world's lifestyle and culture!
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Our first stop is here, at one of many Excuseum processing centers located half a mile above a typical city. You'll notice that the building is emitting a variety of multicolored mists into the atmosphere. Those emissions are what's left over from the refining process. It's safe for the slobby girls down below to breath, and it helps their bodies produce more Excuseum as well! It's like a self sustaining cycle! That's not all though, as some other leftover materials from Excuseum refining are also used in the planet's food production, like with growing fattening vegetables or processing hamburger meat.
I'm here with one of the aliens who agreed to participate in the interview. He resembles something of a velociraptor, only with bull like horns, a short snout, and three foot long arms. He could be the mascot of a cute fantasy monster game! Give it up for our Tunisia interviewee, Jech'rak!
"Zumpai, Observer's Committee!" the Tunisia greets, "Jech'rak is my name, yes. Jech'rak is in charge of extracting impurities from raw Excuseum. Is taking job very seriously, yes."
"Well, that's very good to hear," I reply to the alien, "Tell me, how long have you worked in this facility?"
"Jech'rak has been with the Lom'baal Excuseum Co. for roughly seven human years," he explains, "That is the same time as one Tunisia year, Miss Laura."
"Very interesting," I acknowledge, "So, what does Excuseum refining entail, and why is it necessary?"
"Jech'rak knows this, yes," he nods, "But, explaining process means explaining Excuseum. Excuseum is like ancient automobile's gasoline, but many times cleaner and stronger. It powers big things like houses, and cities, and star-ships, but also small things, like cars, and phones, and flashlights. Tunisias discovered Excuseum and its power eons ago, and learned how to mass produce it. We noticed that creatures who is female, carbon based, and fed Excuseum byproducts are able to produce Excuseum. Raw Excuseum takes form of gas that creature excretes, but when refined becomes solid like crystals. Excuseum is unusable as gas, yes? So purified into useful crystals we must. One crystal the size of human dime can power smartphone that is all the time active for whole Tunisia year. Much bigger ones power Tunisia spaceship for Tunisia decade or more! But refining is complex job, yes? How does removing byproducts turn gas into solid? Easy! Jech'rak and coworkers filter it as it slowly forms crystal. We release some byproducts into air for humans to breathe, others we save to give to food makers and farmers. That is how Excuseum refining work, yes!"
"Oh, so interesting," I enthuse, "So then, how do you collect the gas in the first place?"
"Jech'rak knows this, yes," he explains, "Lom'baal Excuseum Co. uses vacuums specially designed for collecting. All facilities have big ones on underside to pull raw Excuseum gas that has escaped into atmosphere. Raw Excuseum that has reached this high up is not so rich, as traveling up high stretched it thin. Need a lot to make a little, yes? We also have agents and robots who collect gas from ground level and humans themselves. There gas is far stronger, yes. Very rich in raw Excuseum, yes? So, more crystals are made!"
"Ahh, that makes sense," I note, seeing as his account matches similar reports from previous observations. I politely bow and say, "Thank you for allowing me to interview you, Jech'rak."
"Jech'rak thanks Miss Laura for having Jech'rak on interview," he smiles, wagging his tail in delight, "Thank you for visiting humble refinery of Lom'ball Excuseum Co."
"It was my pleasure," I reply, "but I would like to know how to say 'good-bye' in your language."
"Jech'rak knows this, yes," he nods, "When you meet someone, you say 'zumpai'! That means 'hello' in Tunisia language. When leaving someone, you bid them 'zallah'! That means 'good-bye'. So, zallah, everyone! Have great day, yes!"
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Our next stop is here in the city, where the slovenly human women live their daily lives. People several decades ago would certainly be put off by the smell of this place alone, but to the humans of today there's no finer scent than the miasma of all manner of bodily odors. If you're an off-worlder here on vacation, you probably have similar tastes, or are here for a laugh or some other reason. A huge part of the reason there's so much body stank in the air is these girl's diets. Take this cookie for example. I have in my hand a typical chocolate chip cookie. Aside from its normal ingredients, there's extra chocolate chips, and those special additives that cause a girl to make Excuseum. From what we have observed, turning into a slovenly hedonistic slob is something of a side effect present in all Excuseum producers. These byproducts have mind altering properties that spike appetites dramatically, and body modifying properties that cause some people to gain weight faster. In general though, these additives are super fattening, ruin a digestive system so bad that you can't hold in your poop AT ALL, induces intense and greasy sweating, makes you WAY gassy, and reprograms you into liking it... like... a lot.
This time we'll be interviewing feedee and feeder pair June and Molly. June's the feedee, and she definitely looks the part. She weighs something like 946 pounds, most of that in her stomach and thighs. She has long, straight black hair that's greasy enough to fill a five gallon bucket, and gorgeous green eyes. Molly is her feeder, coming in at a modest 254 pounds of adorable chub. Her blonde hair is just as greasy, but she tied hers back into a ponytail. Her eyes are a beautiful blue.
"I want to thank you ladies again for allowing me to interview you," I bow to them, causing them to giggle in response.
"Aww, no need to be so *BurrrrrrrRRRRRAAAAAAAAP!* formal with us, Laura," Molly assures me, "We'd love to tell you all about our world."
June rips out a huge fart before she affirms her feeder's statement. "We'd be happy to point you in the direction of some *bEEEAAALch* choice food spots too if you want."
"Thank you," I answer, "As a latex automaton, I don't require food to produce energy, but I can totally eat for fun though! So let's start with that! What're some great places for food around here?" I toss the cookie up to June, who eagerly stuffs it in her messy face.
"Aww man!" Molly began, "What AREN'T great places for food, amiright?!"
"In our neighborhood alone," June explains, "We have a McDonald's, a Wendy's, a Burger Queen, a Baskin-Robins, a Jackie-in-the-Box, a Carla's Jr, a Taco Bell, a Pizza Hut, a Domino's, a KFC, a Popeye's, a Long Joan Silver's... and that's just the fast food!"
"If you like sit down restaurants," Molly adds, "There's Applebee's, Red Robin, Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Denny's, all the usual chain places."
"If it's local stuff you want though," June enthuses, "I recommend Betty's Homestyle Barbecue. Their bottomless triple thick ribs are to die for I SWEAR!"
"Of course, if you're into it," Molly continues, "there's this super upscale bistro called 'La Cucina Squisita' that serves stupidly fancy Italian stuff. Don't get me started on this French place, 'Manoir sur la Colline' I think it's called. Too fancy for our taste."
"To this day, Molly and I wonder how those places stay open in this day and age," June shakes her head, "I hear they still have certain etiquette rules in place." The mention of that concept causes them to shudder.
"Well I'll be sure to check some of those places out!" I reply enthusiastically, "Admittedly the Italian places. I'm a bit of a sucker for Chicken Alfredo."
"Speaking of," June interjects, a massive fart escaping her prodigious tunnel, "I'm getting hungry again. Molly, would you please order some pizzas?"
"Anything for my big, beautiful butterball!" Molly coos, "Order our usual?" June nods in affirmative. Molly then pulls a phone out of her shoulder bag, and begins dialing the nearest pizza place.
"Alright, with that," I continue with the interview, "How often a day would you say you eat, June?"
"I usually have a big meal every hour, a smaller meal every half hour, and plenty of snacks in between," June explains, "If you're as *buuuuUUUUUUUURRRRRP!* big and gassy as me, you gotta eat a lot to maintain it. On a good day, I typically get to eat three times my body weight. Then again, when isn't any day a good day?"
"Oh, hey Laura," Molly asks, "Want anything?"
"Perhaps a stuffed crust pepperoni?" I answer, "I love stuffed crust!"
"You know it, girlfriend!" June testifies, "All that cheese backs up the works like a motherfucker, but it's worth it! Feels soooooooo gooooooood when it finally comes out, y'know?"
"I'm afraid I would not know," I admit, "but on that note, why does taking a big poop feel so good for you?"
"Well for starters," June explains, "a good shit stretches out your anus really wide. All that tension and stretching, the texture of a lumpy turd sliding over that sensitive skin... ooh!" She shivers with ecstasy at the thought, "And then when the last bits of it finally leave your bowels, you're just left with this incredible tingly sensation. OH it's so indescribably satisfying. You really need to experience it for yourself. Molly can vouch for me, isn't that right babe?"
"Oh definitely!" Molly concurs, having finished placing the order, "There's nothing quite like the orgasmic-ally visceral sensation of dropping a mega deuce. Peeing on the other hand is a different, yet equally amazing sensation. Especially when it's a long, hard stream that comes out like a violent flood!" Just thinking about the feeling is making them breathless with sexual glee.
"I... I see," I acknowledge, internally deciding that the humans of this universe have some perverse fetishes, although tame compared to other things I had previously observed.
"So, anything else you'd like to know?" Molly asks.
"Absolutely," I reply, back in focus, "How come you don't wear clothing?"
Both girls gave me blank looks before asking "What's clothing?"
Molly then realizes, "Oh! I think I know what clothing is! Yeah, it was this practice people in the olden days had of covering their bodies in these layers of cloth!"
"That sounds very unnecessary," June muses.
"I know, right?" Molly concurs, "Apparently people back then were ashamed of their bodies and tried to cover up with these clothes things. It's a shame that they we're so uncomfortable in their own skin that they had to make up some silly concept like that!"
I would like to take this time to state for the record that some of these statements may be misinformation. Take everything with a grain of salt, people!
Soon, a female Tunisia arrived with no less that twenty extra large pizzas. We managed to rope her into the interview as well, to get her view of living amongst the slobs.
Molly is feeding June whole slices of supreme pizza at a time, having a bite or two in between. I'm enjoying the pizza too, even though I lack a mouth. Oh man it tastes so good! Since I'm technically nonliving, the Excuseum byproducts won't work on me.
"So, how long have you been working as a pizza delivery alien?" I ask the Tunisia.
"Sam'na knows this, yes," the raptor-like girl replies, "Started working part time six months ago. Saving up to buy new street-cruiser!"
"I see," I say with a nod, "So tell me, what is it like living among the humans?"
"Sam'na enjoys big squishy humans, yes," she explains, "Like giant, fleshy cuddle toys! Sam'na hoping to find slob family to help take care of when nursing school over. Get to operate vacuum and snuggle all day! So excited!"
"Daaw! She's so sweet!" Molly gushes, "She reminds me a bit of our Tunisia maid, Jenn'fo. That girl just loves to curl up on June's belly."
"Which I happily oblige," June declares, "I'm the comfiest mattress."
"I would imagine," I acknowledge, "So, how does a girl your size get around like this?"
"Oh that's easy," Molly explains, "We had anti-gravity devices surgically implanted into her body. You noticed that she's actually floating a couple inches off the ground, right?"
"Honestly it's way better this way," June admits, "This way I don't risk burning any weight from walking. Last thing I want is to lose this rockin' bod I've been working on."
"It'd tear me up to see my gorgeous mountain of lard reduced to naught but skin and bones," Molly frets, "That's why I'm the skinny one instead. Besides, if I were the fat one, I wouldn't get to have a big blubber butt like June to snuggle up to!"
"Oh stop, you're making me blush!" June murmurs.
"Well, thank you for letting me interview you two," I say, "but I'm afraid I'm out of time for now. It was great talking to you!"
"Aww, it was no trouble," Molly giggles, snuggling into her feedee, "We had fun, and we'd be willing to do it again soon!"
"There's still a lot we could discuss," June says, "Like, how we met or what movies we like."
"I'll be sure to keep those in mind for next time," I assure them, "But until next time, thank you for your time!"