“So you just want to live somewhere exotic? That’s too vague of a request...”
“Not just the regular kind of exotic. I’m a big fan of bizarro imagery. You know what ‘bizarro’ means, right? The house of my dreams should be located where the absurd meets the impossible, like out of a fever dream... Just make sure the locals don’t look like crazy monsters.” The creature that looked like a living and talking ferris wheel said.
Its body consisted of a ball of pink flesh with feet surrounded by twelve short constantly spinning limbs with an eye on each end.
The agent thought that this ugly customer looked ridiculous and should be better off working as a freakshow attraction. Of course, the agent didn't say that to his face, although his rear mouth snickered a bit against the office seat.
“I won’t say it doesn’t sound like a peculiar request, but we do have a few planets that look out of the ordinary in our catalogue, just allow me to input some data first.”
“Alright, it’s not like I have any home to return to so it won’t be a problem.” The creature answered and made itself comfortable. It yawned soundly, its 12 spinning eyes staring at space as the real estate agent fiddled with the computer.
“I’ll need your full name...” The agent inquired with his front mouth.
“Wheeler. Rounding Wheeler.”
The agent snickered soundly from both ends.
“What’s so funny?” The creature arched 6 of his eyebrows.
“Oh, sorry, sorry... It’s just that your name sounds kind of ironic when said in a certain alien language.” The agent then boasted about his prowess with alien languages, when in fact he just scantly knew some random words.
The computer printed out a sheet of paper with a very long list. “Okay, next step...” The monster wearing a brown trenchcoat which barely covered its rear mouth handed out the paper and a pen at the other creature that looked like an amusement park attraction. “... Here’s a list of the most popular 243 genders. Please, underline all of which you self-identify with.”
Rounding Wheeler stared down at the long list of genders. Then its 12 eyes looked straight down at the obvious bulge hanging between his stubby legs.
“But I’m simply male.”
“Pfufufu... That’s a very old-fashioned way to describe it... Are you sure you only have one gender?”
“...Uh... Yes? And I don’t have arms so I can’t use that pen anyway.”
“Oh! Excuse my oversight...” The agent typed out ‘Male (?)’ on the keyboard. “By the way, my gender is no. 57 on that list. But the second Thursday of every month I feel more like a no. 182, just like my late grandpa. I've never been too finicky about pronouns to be honest, but you can use he and him with me if it makes you comfortable.”
Mr. Wheeler nodded at the darkly-skinned monster with a mouth on each end.
“Let’s see... Exotic planets... Exotic planets...” The agent ran a search. “Oh, this one looks very surreal. It only has one sun and most of its surface is flooded with wet fluids.”
“Wow!” Mr. Wheeler exclaimed. “I’ve heard of planets with incontinent bowels before but this is the first time I ever hear of one with only one sun!”
“This slob of a planet tends to erupts its insides through various volcanic orifices. Its solar system is located in the very isolated Milky Way... That explains its weirdness. Nobody in their right mind would be willing to move to such a place... Its inhabitants must be a big bunch of hillbillies, they don’t even have access to any sort of teleportation technology... What a shithole to live in...”
Mr. Wheeler’s eyes started spinning full speed. “Sounds glorious! What kind of home do you sell on there?! Do you have any townhouses for sale in that planet?!”
“Well, on that specific planet we don’t have any houses for sale *at the moment*...”
“Oh? That sucks... It sounded like my kind of planet...” Mr. Wheeler's eyes stopped in their tracks. He looked very disappointed, but the agent just laughed.
“Pfufufufu... Don’t you know my company motto? ‘We have the house of your dreams ready for you. Guaranteed.’ It’s not just there for advertising purposes, we really do have a Dream Home Guarantee available for all of our precious customers.”
“Dream Home Guarantee...? What’s that?”
“It means that even if we don’t have any homes available in the planet of your choice, we *make* one available... As long as you have the right amount of money and don’t mind some legal grey areas...”
“That sounds almost too good to be true! But a bit shady as well...”
“Nah, don’t worry about it! It’s not like we’re going to forcibly evict local people away from their rightful homes and kick them out to the street. In fact, they’ll receive such a generous monetary compensation for the trouble that for them it’ll be like winning the lottery! Believe me, both you and the former tenant will find their dream homes.” The agent grinned. “That’s our Dream Home Guarantee.”