"Sneaking a smoke?" snarled the obviously angry upperclassman. "This should help break you of your cigarette habit. We've got a few days before classes begin, and you're now the only ashtray in the only smoking room on campus. So enjoy. I'll be back in a couple days to check on you. Oh, I'm Raj, your RA. That's resident advisor. I'm responsible for you while you're in the dorms, and I wasted the last 12 hours looking for you. Smoking, grr." He vanishes.
You're not sure if he went in a puff of smoke or if the smoke was puffed out by the guy grinding out a cigar in your mouth. People mill around you emptying ashes, and butts into you. You should be overflowing. You have a bad feeling that as this is a magic school, you won't ever need emptying.
People never sleep, at least not if they can be smoking. You are sleep deprived, but you know most of the hot rumors around school. It's amazing what people will say when they don't know that the ashtray is listening.
Raj is suddenly there with an ashtray in hand. It must be identical to you. He starts to exchange you for it. A man sticks a cigarette in you to prevent this.
"Raj, what are you doing? You know the eternal ashtray is never to be removed," said the upperclassman to Raj.
"No, worries, Mr. Zoraster, this is the eternal ashtray. It needed its centennial tune up. The one your cig is in is the temp ashtray."
He peers from one to the other. "Ah, yes, I see now the real one is over 5 centuries old, and this one barely 19. Shouldn't it be only days old? Or has this centennial cleaning taken 19 years?"
"I couldn't possibly say. I was just to collect and return it-"
"Never mind, be about your business," Zoraster said transferring his cigarette from you to the real eternal ashtray.
Raj takes a few steps out of the smoking room, but the way the halls shift with each step you realize he is walking through time and space and possibly across several buildings on campus. He stops in front of Room 222. Hey, that's your dorm room. He opens the door and thrusts you into the room saying, "The student is needed."
You blink as your bare feet hit the cold stone floor. You're naked, but human again. Your mouth tastes of ashes, and your stomach rumbles.
A young man wearing an open wizard's student robe over boxer shorts wearing fuzzy bunny slippers approaches from the nearest bed.
"So you're the roommate. I'm Oswald. Needful things spell?" Oswald asks the RA.
"Well, not exactly, but sort of. What did you have in mind?"
In mind? Oh, no! You see you stuff on the far bed, and rush over to dress. You hope you can find the talismans your mother insisted you pack.
"Well, Raj, as you can see these rooms are terribly cold at night. And he would make a delightful potbelly stove don't you think?"
"Just have him, human, dressed and to his first class on time tomorrow, or you'll be on eternal ashtray duty all weekend, Oswald."
"But I don't even smoke!"
"Then we understand each other, Oswald. Stay warm."
"Yes, sir, Raj." Then Oswald turns toward you rubbing his hands together, "So roomie, introductions can wait until tomorrow. What's needed now is a nice hot wood burning potbelly stove!"
You open your mouth to say no, but you cannot speak. You feel yourself shifting and hear cast iron clanking and bending. You suddenly feel very warm inside.
You look up at Oswald as he opens your furnace door. Oh, great! The handle is your manhood. He stokes your fire and adds small pieces of wood.
"There. That should keep us warm through the night." Oswald closes your door but leaves your latch handle pointed straight up.
Your are stuck in a permanent erection all night. On edge, unable to cum, you barely sleep. At last you doze off while Oswald snores nearby.
"Damn, you're still a stove. Almost forgot," muttered Oswald.
"You're needed for class!"
You become a naked somewhat sooty version of yourself. You're still sporting a boner.
"Ah, morning wood. Uh, you must be alright then. No time for shower, so.
"Alakazam! Clean and dressed!"
Suddenly, you are.
"Here's your class schedule. We both have Introductory Potions first hour, so I'll transport us. Maybe you can be instructed to become human again when my alarm goes off, then we won't be so rushed. You totally missed breakfast."
"Breakfast? I haven't eaten in days," you protest.
"Alakazam! Transport us two to Great Hall Pelligrew!"
You blink. You and Oswald are in the quad in front of an ancient black stone building.
A bell chimes.
"Let's get to class, oh, by the way I'm Oswald Constable..."
You follow him up the stone steps