September 30, 2019 8:00am
I wasn’t one of the lucky ones. I look in the mirror, as became my daily routine. My facial hair has become spotty five o’clock shadow. My hair has gotten longer and more unkept. My shirt feels a bit baggier on my pre-workout body. Fuck, I’m getting younger. I call the Community Center immediately and report my regression.
“Name?”
“Andy Core”
“Address?”
“234 Sycamore Avenue, Willingboro, Virginia. Look, I am panicking-”
“Age?”
“I don’t know. I was 23.”
“As of when?”
“September 13. I woke up and-“
“Say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to the following questions. Has your height diminished?”
“Yes.”
“Do you identify as male?”
“Yes.”
“Is your facial hair different?”
“Yes.”
“Absent?”
“No. Spotty.”
“Best guess, are you still within post-pubescent range?”
“I believe so.”
“Okay, my part is done Mr. Core. To determine your age, please download the Community Center app and when prompted, place your finger on the phones fingerprint scanner. Thank you and have a nice day.”
“Wait, thats it?!” The only audible sound is a dial tone.
I download the white colored app with a green rewind arrow...punny. Once downloaded, the app opens to a pure white screen. I enter my information, including social security number. My drivers license picture appears, and a prompt asks if this was the most recent picture before Kyokos. I see myself before the regression: a young, healthy 23-year-old guy, solid beard, perfectly groomed. Sadly, I select yes. The prompt fills in all of my other pre-regression information: 6’3, organ donor, 23 years of age.
The next prompt asks me to take a present-day picture of myself. The camera opens to a selfie, and I do not see the man on my license. It seems the time it took my to call the community center and download the app; I’ve gotten even more younger. The Community Center says this happens to late regressors. Their spirts are closer together. In the camera. I see a minimally rounder face that’s rounder all the same. My eyes appear to of gotten larger as my nose seems to have become more upturned. The spotty, light facial hair I had not even an hour ago seems to have gotten even more lighter and frail. Almost like peach fuzz that has grown far more than it should be allowed. My buddy in eighth grade used to call it a pube beard. After further angling, I snap the photo of a man...no, boy..who doesn’t even look like he’s graduated high school yet. What the fuck.
The app progresses to take the present-day photo and line it up with my license photo. Way to add insult to injury.
It asks me for my fingerprint. Okay, now or never, Andy. I place my print on the scanner. After a few seconds and a moving fingerprint animation, the results are in.
“Good morning, Andrew Core. Your present-day age is....17.”