Alan was lounging there right at the top of the hill, with an entirely too smug grin on his face, resting on one elbow while his other hand was-
"JESUS ALAN! DO YOU MIND!?" James shouted, quickly trying to get out of his contorted pose and find some way to cross his arms and legs that would restore a little dignity.
"Not at all babe, that was quite a show!"
"You know what I meant! Put that thing away!" James turned his head to one side, raising a hand briefly to block the view, then remembering he needed both hands to block Alan's view of his new anatomy.
Alan chuckled, "well, I don't exactly have anywhere to put it right now, unless you're offering..."
"That isn't as cute as you think it is, asshole! We're both guys," James couldn't help notice Alan staring at his breasts as he said this, "anything in this weird messed up place could kill us any minute, and I've lost everything I came in with thanks to you FUCKING DRUGGING ME, and... God PLEASE tell me that's all you did!"
Alan started to say something in response, but James cut him off. Honestly he really didn't want to know if anything else had preceded waking up being spooned like that, especially not while staring at that him stroking that monster between his legs to him a minute ago. "Look, don't even answer that! You wanna stay here, fine, whatever. Just... point me back to where all my stuff is, so I can get the hell out of this place, and back to my normal damn life. Can you just do that for me?"
Alan took a moment, glancing around, staring off at the horizon, and eventually replied, "nope, sorry."
"What the hell do you mean 'nope!?'"
"I mean... I went on the same trip you did here. I kinda figured those mushrooms would mellow you out a little, but nah you went, like swimming right off. I just followed you, so like, you should know the way back better than I do. I'm not some kinda like, expert navigator or anything. I don't like, have one of those uh... damn, what were they called, astrolabes? The things sailors use to track stars and crap."
James sighed, and stared down at the ground a bit. "OK well what about the sun, huh? Do you think maybe you can remember where it rises and wear it sets next to that cave and that lake?" He hesitated more than James was comfortable before nodding. "OK... so we just wait for dawn and... hopefully it turns out we didn't wander off too far."
James sat back down, making sure to keep his back to Alan, silently fuming about the whole mess for quite some time, before finally asking, "so what the hell is even the deal with...." he gestured around randomly, "all of this?"
Alan, chewing on a bit of grass, responded, "I dunno. I mean, I have a couple theories? Like the first one is, this is like... this magical paradise where everything's just perfect, and whatever you need is provided for you by like, the will of the universe. I mean, perfect healthy bodies right? And man, you thought those mushrooms were something? I found these like, blue beans the other day? They're like... coke mixed with extasy and a breath mint. Just.... out of this world."
"That doesn't make any damn sense Alan. I ended up with a suckier flashlight, and a pair of goddamn tits. Explain that."
"I mean, maybe deep down...?"
"I'm not fucking trans, Alan."
"Well... maybe it just gives me everything I want? Like, I found it first, so maybe it like, chose me? And I mean, I was feeling pretty horny when you just came strutty up, all hot blue space babe there..."
"OK no. There's no way this is some sort of damn Garden of Eden where God sent me here to be Eve to your damn Adam. What the hell's your other theory?"
"OK first off, I don't know why you gotta get all Christian about it. But anyway, the other theory is this is just like... kind of a mirror universe? You know so like, everything here is basically equivalent to something back home, and when you go through the cave it just like... translates you to what makes sense, kinda."
"That doesn't make any damn sense either. The normal side of the cave was in a desert, this is all forests and meadows. And these freaking moons!"
"Well I mean, none of those things went through the cave?"
"OK that still doesn't explain why I'm a freaking chick, and before your damn mushrooms screwed with me, I was wearing pretty damn modern normal clothes. Are you suggesting there's like a whole mirror civilization here and the equivalent for the people who made my pants just do shorts or something?"
"I mean... maybe? Like, I haven't seen any people around or anything but hey, maybe in this world on the civilization's on another continent and they never came out here. And like, genetics are real complicated. Maybeyou get your sex from a different set of chromosomes or whatever? Might as well ask why you're blue instead of red?"
All of this was giving James a headache. He decided to just quit asking questions and wait for sunrise.