"Hey guys, it's me and my sister, Mary Alice," said Sarah, "It's Memorial Day weekend now, even if some people have nowhere to go."
"Oh, I wouldn't say that," said Malice, "I can think of someplace we'll be going."
"Later," said Sarah, "Right now, we're talking about a few new people in Animalia who are converting to heal themselves."
"Heal themselves from stupid things they did to themselves," said Malice.
"Mary Alice," admonished Sarah.
"Well, it is their own fault for choosing holistic medicine instead of going to real doctors," said Malice.
"Well, you have to understand that people are still afraid to go to hospitals," said Sarah, "Even if there's promise for a corona vaccine, that's still in the testing phase and it could still be months until it's available for everyone. Not to mention that people are worried about spending too much on their medical bills."
"Maybe, but that's still not much of an excuse for making pretty poor decisions for 'alternative medicine'," said Malice, "Like take this guy, Mortimer. He was having trouble with cataracts but wouldn't go and get surgery."
"What did he try instead?" asked Sarah.
"Some herbal pills based off of ancient Indian medicine. Some 'modernized' version based off of Sanskrit writings or something," said Malice.
"Let me guess, it gave him lead poisoning?" asked Sarah.
"Yep," said Malice, "At least he didn't go for the ancient Indian method of cataract surgery."
"Do I wanna know what that would involve?" asked Sarah.
"Well, after the surgery, the eyeball would be soaked in warm butter then bandaged," said Malice.
"That's probably all I want to hear about it," said Sarah, "So what kind of Animalian is he becoming."
"Well, Mortimer signed up to Project Cenozoic to get a discount on his conversion," said Malice, "He's going to become a teratornis."
"What's that?" asked Sarah.
"The teratornis was a giant condor that lived during the Ice Age," said Malice, "It was one of the largest flying birds known to exist. Apparently, it went extinct when its main source of food, the large land mammals, went extinct. Apparently there were a lot of teratorn skeletons found in the La Brea Tar Pits."
"Well, I suppose large animals being stuck in place would be an irresistible target for a big vulture," said Sarah.
"Well, the teratornis was actually probably more proactive in finding food than today's vultures," said Malice, "Not that it would turn down scavenging, but the teratornis's larger bill suggests that it would actually hunt smaller prey. Animals up to the size of a small rabbit could probably have been swallowed whole."
"Wow, good thing they aren't still around," said Sarah.
"For now," said Malice. While they had been discussing the teratornis, clips have been played of the vultures from 'Ice Age: the Meltdown', which were clearly teratornis in hindsight. The clips ended with the vultures singing out, "GLORIOUS FOOD!!!"
"Well, Mortimer isn't our only latest convert," said Sarah, "Arich has been suffering from manic-depressive mood swings for most of his adult life."
"Don't they have pills to help 'even them out'?" asked Malice.
"Yes, but healthcare has been raising its prices, especially with the pandemic going on," said Sarah, "So Arich hasn't been able to afford his usual pills. So he's switched to ones mainly made with St. John's wort."
"Wait a moment," said Malice, "I thought St. John's wort actually works."
"Well, yes, it has several healing properties, including acting like an anti-depressant," said Sarah, "But like with any medicine, too big of a dose is poisonous."
"How bad?" asked Malice.
"Well, Arich has been having gastrointestinal discomfort, restlessness, headaches. And don't forget, just because he's keeping the depression at bay doesn't mean it's keeping the mania away," said Sarah.
"By the way, you've been saying 'Arich'," said Malice, "Don't you mean 'Erich'?"
"No, it's Arich," said Sarah, "Apparently his dad was of Norwegian descent and his mom's from Thailand."
"Huh," said Malice, "You think that has anything to do with his brain chemistry?"
"Well, it's not our place to judge or accuse," said Sarah, "But if Arich has some berserker blood from his dad's side, it would make a lot of sense."
"So what kind of Animalian is he becoming?" asked Malice.
"Actually, Lunette's herm pack will be taking him in," said Sarah, "They've been looking to even out their numbers for a while."
"Well, I hope he'll do well," said Malice, "I guess there's no real substitute for proper medicine."
"Well, funny you should mention substitutes," said Sarah, "You know how canines like us can't eat chocolate?"
"Simon brings that up quite often," said Malice, "Mostly to complain that he can't eat chocolate."
"Well, apparently there's something that be used as substitute chocolate that's safe for animal consumption," said Sarah.
"What you talking about?" asked Malice with interest.
"I'm talking about carob," said Sarah, "It's a bean tree that's native to the Mediterranean region and Middle East."
"Beans grow on trees?" asked Malice in confusion.
"Where do you think cocoa beans come from?" asked Sarah.
"So how is this carob any better than cocoa?" asked Malice.
"It doesn't have theobromine in it," said Sarah, "That's the chemical that's toxic to dogs, cats, and some other animals. It's actually pretty similar to chocolate in taste and appearance. It's actually a high-energy feed for livestock. Historically, carob pods were fed to donkeys so they can keep up their strength." At that, a clip of Donkey from 'Shrek' had him say "I'm making waffles!"
"Well, if this carob is so great, how comes I haven't heard of it before?" asked Malice.
"That's a pretty good question," said Sarah, "I suppose the market for substitute chocolate hasn't had a lot of demand. But from what I hear, a company that specializes with carob production wants to buy a little farmland from the Browns so they can start growing carobs here."
"Hmm...wonder how much the Browns are getting out of this," said Malice.
"I'm not sure. Abby says her parents are still in discussion," said Sarah.
"Well, I certainly mind something that can be used as a replacement for chocolate, the way Simon goes on about them," said Malice, "And speaking of replacements, I've a bit of bad news for you soon-to-be former juniors and seniors of WSA. Due to public health concerns and because it's hard to keep a safe six-foot distance from other people inside a crowded area, the prom has been called off." There were quite a few complaining comments from the students who would be missing out, particularly the senior class.
"However, WSA intends to make up for it," said Sarah, "After the pandemic ends, WSA will be hosting an Autumn Gala (or Winter Gala, depending how long it takes), in which all the juniors and seniors of this year will be invited, free-of-charge, to attend. It promises to be just as ritzy, if not ritzier, than the prom we're missing now. WSA will be seeing to as many expenses as it can." This got some approving comments.
"And for those who can't wait so long, there's a big party on Memorial Day at the Lover's Woods campgrounds," said Malice, "Totally casual, juniors and seniors get in free, and we'll be providing food, music, and everything."
"There's even going to be carob cookies and cake so we can get a taste of what's to come," said Sarah.
"So see you guys on Monday, if not earlier," said Malice, "I guess we'll also see you at graduation. Hope everyone has as much of a good summer as they can."