“I will answer this question in complete, and total honesty. If I could change myself right now, what would I wish to be?”
Janine’s heart plummeted, she had no idea what would come out of her mouth in the next few seconds; one misplaced fancy, one idle daydream, or god-forbid whatever dark fantasies had awakened in her. Any of it came out of her mouth, and someone, something unrecognizable would be walking in her shoes from then on.
“I want to be…” but even without control of her words, she was hesitating. Did she not know the answer, even in her heart of hearts?
“I want to be me, I want to look in the mirror and see Janine…” That should’ve come as a relief, but the answer she felt coming forth unbidden doused her giddy afterglow like a match in a hurricane.
“I don’t know myself, I never have. Everything I’ve become in life, everything I’m going towards I’ve just drifted into without direction…” Janine’s head slumped forward as the words poured out, overwhelmed by yet more emotional whiplash.
“I could barely describe my own personality if I wanted to, I feel so empty…” this was so much worse than the fear and anger she felt when this all started, feeling not just helpless, but vulnerable. Pouring her heart out in front of someone who had set out to destroy everything… whatever actually made her, her.
Without even realizing, she began speaking under her own power, “You were right, I don’t fit in anywhere. How could I? I don’t even know how I’d want to fit in with. There’s nothing I really want to be, or to do…”
“I want to know what being Janine actually means…” I single tear fell and landed on her chair.
“Oh, Janine…” Rhianna responded pitifully, “come on, I… damnit…” she struggled to find the right words, taken aback by the heartbroken girl before her, “Alright, look at me,” Janine complied, with some hesitation, “I said I was helping you, and you know what? I will. If you’re willing to work with me, I can give you what you need, we can make you what you need.”