Tom lumbered outside and picked up his clothing, before realizing that Nick the high school defensive end was not going to fit into Tom the middle-aged executive’s clothes.“Ray! You out dere? I need some clothes, mang.”
There was that word again. Why couldn’t he talk right?
Ray appeared from behind a door, bearing a large box, which he set down. “Man, your old family give you a lot of stuff. This box crazy to move!”
Tom picked it up. “I dunno know what you mean, seems pretty easy to me!”
“Yeah, well, when you the size of a fridge… speaking of which, they give you all his clothes because they say you gotta order everything online. Can’t go to no normal stores no more!”
Tom winced. It was going to be a problem finding suits for work. But first things first: get dressed in what’s available.
There appeared to be an outfit ready to go on top of the neatly packed box. Tom pulled out a pair of jeans, socks, boxers, and what looked like a football jersey. He examined it. White, red, and grey, size 54-56, with the number 78 on the back and the name MARTINEZ written above it.
Rummaging in the box a bit, Tom found a soft grey t-shirt that said “Southside Football, Discipline Breeds Results”. He slipped it on and put the jersey on over it. For some reason, he decided to reach over and peg the sleeves of the jersey to show off his huge biceps. Then he put on the American Eagle underwear, the socks, and the pants, which he saw were size 38-36.
“Damn,” thought Tom, “I really am going to have to become an online shopper.”
Just then, Ray poked his head in. “Hey Sasquatch, I brought you your kicks.” He handed Tom a pair of Nike Air Force Ones. Tom stared at them—really? This was what kids wore these days?—and then stared confusedly at Ray.
“You gotta wear shoes, my man. Too dangerous to go barefoot and it ain’t like we got anti slip socks in your size.”
Tom looked at the tag in the shoes. Size 18. He dropped the shoe in shock, and it landed next to his size 9.5 penny loafer, which was almost three inches shorter than the huge white sneaker.
He shrugged and tugged the Nikes onto his feet.
“Okay. Can I see my vieja now?”
“Your what now?”
Tom stopped short. Where did that come from? “My wife.”
“Yeah, man, she’s just outside. Come with me. And watch your head and shoulders, you gonna take out the whole Internet if you biff one a them routers with that big head.”