Walking the thin aisles of the store, you stumble upon a shelf of bulky knit sweaters—on sale! The sweaters come in an astonishing array of colors, from forest green to deep purple. You do not need to browse, though, as you immediately spot a vibrant red sweater—just your size—on the second shelf.
You pick the sweater up and head over to a full-length mirror that hangs along the side of the store’s wall. You are only wearing a thin white button-down shirt, so you figure that you can just slide the sweater over your head to try it on; it is, after all, a long walk to the fitting rooms.
You lift the sweater over your head, fitting each arm in its proper hole, the fabric easily sliding down your body. Not bad, you think, not too loose or too tight. Tucking the sweater into your pants, you also adjust the collar of your shirt so that it hangs loose outside of the sweater, the top button unbuttoned to increase your comfort. Overall, your appearance in notably patriotic: red sweater, blue jeans, white shirt and shoes. Satisfied with the sweater, you get ready to take it off.
However, as you reach the collar of the sweater, you feel an odd sensation around your neck. It doesn’t burn, exactly; it just feels odd, almost as if ants were crawling around your neck and down your shirt. You can’t be allergic to the sweater material. Technically, the fabric isn’t even touching your skin; your own shirt lies between them. Turning toward the mirror, you tentatively scratch your neck, but to no avail—the sensation continues.
That is when you notice something strange in the mirror. The sweater had been relatively loose around your neck before, but now it had seemingly shrunk. Only the collar of your shirt could be seen; the hole of the sweater now fit snugly around your neck. But the fabric didn’t shrink; instead your neck has gained girth, fat pockets appearing from nowhere, accentuating your double chin. As you stare, though, you notice that your neck is still growing. Before long, you are unable to see your neck; your double chin now overlaps the collar of the sweater. The growth stops suddenly, and the burning feeling dwindles.
Your appearance in the mirror is questionable. Your body looks relatively normal, except it looks as if your chin has melted onto your shirt, the mass of fat jiggling as you move your mouth. Before you can even question what could have possibly just happened, the burning sensation flares up, this time all over your body. Just like how your neck ballooned into massive proportions, your body soon follows suit.
As you are wearing two layers of clothing, it is very difficult to see how much you have actually grown. It is painfully evident, though, that your stomach is gaining the most fat. The fabric of the sweater becomes taut against your stomach, gravity slowly dropping the new growth over your pants waist. By some miracle, your shirt and sweater stay tucked into your pants. Your pectoral muscles are padded with extra fat, soon forming a pair of man-breasts that Pamela Anderson would envy.
The sleeves of the sweater become especially tight, the elastic bands at the ends of the sleeves digging into your flesh. You stare at your hands, which are clenched slightly from the constant stinging of the burning sensation. Your fingers seem to shrink in length and get significantly fatter. Soon they are so stubby that you can barely pick up anything.
Your waist begins to hurt as fat begins to grow around it, the belt hindering the growth. With your stubby fingers, you manage to slide the belt over to the last hole, hoping that it survives this ordeal. Your hips seemingly spread wider, but the telltale jiggle of the region tells you that this is only more fat. Your jeans are as taut as the sweater, but the fabric still does not break. You see your ankles fatten up until you can not distinguish them from the rest of your leg. Now your jeans are so tight that they look attached to your leg, impossible to remove.
As the burning fades once again, you glance in the mirror. Now, your face looks abnormal—your entire body has bloated except it. You seem to be shrinking in height, your arms and legs becoming shorter. Just as you expected, the burning sensation now flares in your face, and you stare at the mirror to see what your new face will be.
It begins with your nose. It looks like someone just pressed down on it, squishing the cartilage into a wide, mostly flat mass. Your cheeks gain fat and sink lower on your face, making you look unbelievably tired. Your ears sink back on your head while your forehead gains some fat, dipping the ridges above your eyes. Your lower lip juts out greatly, overpowering the upper lip. Your face rounds out, becoming almost a perfect circle instead of the familiar oval shape of your old face.
As the burning sensation slowly stops, you now look like an inflated human. Your body is no longer rectangular, but a circle; only your tight belt keeps your waist from expanding to its full potential. Your back is now noticeably hunched, the extra weight tipping your center of gravity slightly forward. The fat of your legs chaff as you walk, causing you to waddle instead of walk. Relieved that the ordeal is at least over, you start to waddle toward the center aisle.
You stop in your tracks when you feel the burning sensation yet again, this time on every square inch of your body. You hurry back to the mirror, wondering what could possibly happen now. You first notice a change in your hair. You had always had light brown and straight hair, naturally parted down the center of your head. As you look helplessly on, though, your hair appears to be curling up, forming a short but thick mass of hair. The pigment also seems to change, darkening to a deep midnight black. Soon, you are unable to see individual hairs upon your head. Your eyebrows undergo a similar process.
Your skin is also affected by the burning. You never really tanned, and your skin has always been a pasty white, blotched with the occasional red spots. Now, however, all of your visible skin seems to darken simultaneously into a rich tan. Blotches of skin become noticeably darker, settling on a deep brown. Only the skin on your fingertips and palms retain some of their previous lighter color. Your eyes seem to pop out of your face, the whites of the eyes forming a powerful contrast to the now-dark skin that surrounds them. Your nose now looks flatter and wider than before, and your brow ridges become much more pronounced against the dark background. With the burning sensation dwindling once again, you take a step back and gaze at the mirror. You have now changed races, from Caucasian to African-American.
After the initial stun of the situation begins to wear off, you begin to recognize the man in the mirror: the dark skin, the wide girth, the short and curly hair, and the distinctive red sweater. “Hey, hey, hey,” you belt out in a deep bass voice, “I’m Fat Albert!”