Susan came running out the door after Jennifer, a look of urgency on her face.
“Jen! Wait!” Susan shouted, “I just got a text from that dweeb Kyle! He says that I should work as ‘mission control’ for you or whatever and forced me to download this app on my phone that tracks supervillain activity. I think he might be a hacker or something, so we could send him to juvie if we want.”
“That probably would explain how he got my number,” Jennifer supposed, “The little shit! Either way, whatever superhero stuff I gotta do is my main priority at the moment. What’s up?”
“Yeah, about that,” Susan said, “Y’know how he told you your villains were gonna be extremely kinky weirdos? Well… he clearly wasn’t kidding around.”
“Oh god,” Jennifer groaned, “It’s probably some guy who has a psychotic obsession with feet or something.”
“It’s… kinda worse?” Susan whinged, “It’s this grown woman in a kiddy princess gown and a fat diaper who’s psychotically obsessed with poop. She has this magic wand that makes people hyper-shit themselves. The poop itself is sterile for some reason, but it still reeks like… well, shit, and it’ll probably incapacitate you, and it is pretty embarrassing. Her wand also has a setting to make people as into it as she is, which is just crazy disgusting! Yeah, okay, I’ve read enough about about this bitch, I… I can’t right now with this! I need to hurl!”
“Fucking Christmas, Kyle!” Jennifer seethed, “Alright, I’m convinced! I’m gonna make sure she’s put behind bars. Where is she right now?”
“First Bank,” Susan read off of her phone, “You could probably guess how she’s incapacitated the guards and whatever. Hell of a way to rob a bank.”
“Thanks,” Jennifer replied, “I’ll see if I can get back before practice. You’ll gather any assignments and stuff I missed, right? Please?”
“No need to ask,” Susan waved off, “I got it covered. Just, good luck, okay?”
“Thank you,” Jenny nodded before she ran into town.
***___***
In a matter of moments, Jennifer had made it to the First Bank. She had to hand it to Kyle, having super powers was kinda sweet. Even if her body was clearly oversexualized, it was almost worth it. What wasn’t worth it was the scene before her. The air inside the bank reeked of sewage-y miasma, like a dirty gas station bathroom that hasn’t known soap in decades. She saw scores of civilians moaning with exhaustion, trapped inside gigantic piles of their own excrement. One person was even sobbing a little bit.
“At least this stuff is supposed to be disease-free or whatever,” Jennifer said under her breath. She approached one of the incapacitated security guards and tried to help him out, but he was literally too exhausted to stand on his own.
“Too… tired,” he moaned, “Butt… aches… from this… can’t… move… stinks so much…” Jennifer at least moved his body out of the gross pile and onto a relatively clean looking chair. “Thank you… miss… what’s your name?”
“Uhh, Latex Ranger,” Jennifer explained, “New hero in town. Is the person who did this to you still here?”
“She’s… in the vaults,” the guard panted, “Stop… her…”
“I’ll see to it,” Jennifer nodded, “you rest up, okay?” With that, Jennifer hustled towards the back of the building where the vaults were kept to confront her adversary.
There she was, that infantile evildoer. Just like Susan described, she was an adult woman in a pink childlike princess dress with white stockings and pink flats. Her hair was done up in blonde ringlets with a silver tiara threaded on top. She was no less buxom for someone her age, but the most obvious feature of her outfit was the yoga ball sized pair of poofy white pampers under her skirt. She was humming blissfully as she packed wads of bills into a horde of duffel bags she’d apparently enchanted to float. She was about to turn to leave when she finally noticed Jennifer staring her down.
“Oh, what the,” Princess Poopsie spluttered, “Who awe you s’possed to be? Awe you a supa hewo come to stop me fwom wobbing dis bank?”
“I… yeah?” Jennifer nodded, “The name is Latex Ranger. I take it from the mess out in the main lobby that you’re called Princess Poopsie?”
“Aww, am I dat well known?” Poopsie grinned, “Dat makes me feew so fwattewed! It’s twue! I yam da one and onwy Pwincess Poopsie! Duchess of Dumps, Mistwess of Mess Making, and da absowute cutest supa viwwain in da wowwd! Hee-hee~!”
“Jeez Louise!” Latex Ranger groaned, “Are you so committed to this bit that you gave yourself a speech impediment?”
“Oh, da speech impediment is just a coincidence,” the villainous princess waved off, “but it does match da uwtwa cute gwown up baby aesthetic, so I’m gonna keep it. Take my advice and give up twying to stop me. Dere is no way you can stop me and my magic wand! ‘Sides, I need dis money to buy mysewf a weaw wife faiwy tawe castwe and fiwll it wiff toys and subjects who wike poopy as much as I do! So if you fink you can stop me den you can kiss my padded butt! O-HO HO HO HOOOO!!!”
“Jeez, and the haughty noble woman’s laugh, too?” our hero groaned, “Yeah, no, I am definitely throwing you in the slammer, or better yet a mental hospital!”
“Wahh! You’we so mean!” Poopsie cried, “Good fing my magic wand can teach you a wesson! Wet’s fill dat body suit wiff a ton of stinky poo! Pwepawe to be twapped by youw own warm, squishy, stinky butt mud! But don’t wowwy, my speciaw magic poo is squeaky cwean so you won’t get sick!”
Before Jennifer could react, the evil adult baby waved her wand and blasted the latex suited hero with her villainous spell. Angry gurgling erupted from Jenny’s gut, making her double over with pain.