Sergio sprinted through the dark woods as fast as he could. His heart pounded as he could her the distant voices of police officers shouting behind him. Good thing for Sergio, he was fast. Very fast. It was one of his many talents. Amongst his talents, were flexibility, strength, and magic.
Magic was actually the reason he was running. Sergio had a sick sense of humor that often got himself in trouble, and this time, it was with the law. This wasn’t Sergio’s first go around with running from the law. He had been locked up in Russia before using his many talents to escape and flee to the United States for a ‘new beginning’. Needless to say, that didn’t last long. Sergio used his talents to make money as a ‘sideshow attraction’ at birthday parties, fairs, carnivals, even just on the side of any old road. But once again, Sergio and his old ways came through again, so he was on the run… again.
He dashed and darted through the woods, across streams, and over ridges and hills. Sergio just kept on going, never even stopping to see if he was still being tailed. Finally, he came to a barbed wire fence that surrounded a massive field. Sergio carefully crawled underneath the bottom strand and entered the field, not worried about what was inside. The grass was tall, so he stayed low, using it to his advantage in the darkening night. There was an overcast with little to know moon light, making this the perfect opportunity for Sergio to surely escape his chasers. He stayed low and continued through the field. It seemed endless. Finally, he reached the crest of a knoll in the middle where he could see a good distance ahead.
A farm.
Probably another few hundred yards, and Sergio would run smack dab into the barns and grain silos of a decent sized farm. There were only a few lights on and little to no movement, so Sergio decided to stay low and find a good spot to hide for a little while.
He reached the first barn and smelled what could only be cow manure. It was a dairy farm. That meant hay, which meant hay lofts high in the barns. Perfect places to hide! Sergio snuck deeper into the farm, finally reaching a sizable building in the middle that was used for equipment and hay storage. He quietly unlatched the door and entered, carefully shutting it behind him. He tiptoed around the hay and machines inside and found a ladder that would bring him up to the loft. Sergio climbed up and only after a brief moment, found a nice hidden spot to rest. He soon fell asleep.
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The next morning…
Sergio was abruptly awoken by the sound of thunderous hooves outside the barn. He peaked between two of the boards that made up the barn wall and saw three mounted police officers.
“Woah, woah, woah!” Cried out the farmer, exited the bottom of the barn Sergio was in, “what seems to be the matter here, officers?”
“Well Mr. Rochler, we chased a fleeing suspect in foot last night through the woods north of your property, and it seems as he entered the main pasture and made his way here to farm. We were wondering if you’ve seen him or anything that could point us to where he went?” Asked the police Captain.
“Well…” answered old farmer Rochler, “I did notice the latch on this here barn left undone this mornin’. That’s why I was in there, makin’ sure nothin’ was missin’ or bothered, but all was left alone.”
“Do you think he’s in there?” Asked the Captain.
“I don’t believe so, sir. I checked all over, around, and upside down . I didn’t see nothin’.” Replied the farmer.
“Mind if we have a look?” Asked the Captain.
“Oh sure! You fellas go right on ahead!” Mr. Rochler happily replied.
The officers dismounted their horses and headed into the old barn.
“Shit, shit, shit!” Sergio screamed in his head. He needed to go, and now! But how?! He couldn’t go down the ladder. He looked around and saw a hay door on one end of the barn. Sergios quickly, yet quietly, made his way to the door and slowly opened it. Just below was the three horses. They were well enough trained to be left untied while the officers investigated. A lightbulb went off in Sergio’s head.
He perched on the sill of the hay door and prepared himself to jump. The middle horse, which was the captain’s horse, looked the best. Strong, sleek, and big. Sergio took a deep breath and-
“There he is!!!” Shouted the Captain, as the three officers climbed the rest of the way into the hay loft and bolted towards the man in the window.
Without a second thought, Sergio jumped out of the window, down the 20 feet, and landed butt-first into the saddle of the stallion. The horse spooked and took off running, and as it did, Sergio grabbed the reins in his hands and held on tight with his legs. There were two other horses for the officers to take, but how could Sergio slow them down? Another lightbulb. He stuck his right index finger in the air, twirled it, and pointed back at the two horses next to the barn.
“You two, take your horses and I’ll-“ the Captain started before noticing something extremely odd about the two remaining police horses, “what the hell?!”
The two roan stallions stood all tacked up as they had been left, except now, each of them had big, full, sagging cow udders between their rear legs that were dripping milk all over the ground.
The three officers and the old farmer stared in disbelief at the animals that stood before them.
“Well ain’t that something’?” Farmer Rochler said as he scratched his chin.
Meanwhile, Sergio fled down the driveway on the one remaining normal horse. He passed by the herd of dairy cows that stood on both sides of the dirt road, and as Sergio got to the end, he passed two off looking heifers that made him double take. The two plump holsteins were grazing away, minding their own business… but with fully erect horsecocks, accompanied by large equine balls, dangling in place of their udders.
“I wouldn’t want to drink that milk!” Sergio laughed as he sped out of the barn yard and away from the funny farm.