It's been an interesting couple of weeks. I could give you a laundry list of adjectives but let me just get into it and trust that you can empathize with my feelings. So uh... three? No, two and a half weeks ago, things started to get weird for me. a normal weird, like, not abnormal, but not normal for me...
I was going to class and passing by a small group of kids. As a freshman, I actively try to skate by unnoticed but I noticed someone getting bullied and could easily see myself in their shoes... I must have been feeling some sort of way because instead of passing by with my head down I interjected. Not normal for me... I am quiet, easygoing, and keep to myself, usually. Long story short, the bully was trying to be macho and intimidating... he did the thing where he quickly got close to my face and stomped his foot to try to make me flinch... instead of stepping backward I put my head down and leaned forward... He bashed his face on my scalp and was bleeding from his nose immediately. That's when a teacher noticed and we were both suspended for the rest of the week and another due to the school's zero violence policy... I was grounded, I was chastised for not running to get a teacher instead. I did my time and got back to school...
This is where things start to get weird in an abnormal way. I was reconnecting with my friend group after a very long week and a half and for the life of me couldn't remember who was being a bully, or who I stepped up for. I was certain I had dealt with both of them repeatedly for most of the school year but it wasn't just their names that evaporated, I couldn't remember their faces or anything I thought or felt about either of them as people! The bully was a head taller than me but I couldn't remember what class he was in! He could be a tall Freshman or a short Senior, I, I just don't remember! It was like they were both wiped off the planet.
I finished school and aside from having no memory about a couple of people who played a decent-sized role in my life recently everything seemed normal... at the time. Looking back this is insane, but at the time it all just seemed normal... I don't know how else to explain it, it just seemed routine. The school bus dropped me off and I walked home. My parents are both home by six leaving me roughly 1-2 hours for homework and an hour + to relax.
I did my homework and played on my phone selecting an app to distract me for a while and then reached into my bookbag pulling out a fresh box full of 25 of my favorite cigars, "Erik Whitman's Virtues and Strengths." Pulling a zippo lighter from the side pocket of my school bag, I expertly went through the ceremony, lit one up, and began smoking. I wandered through the house with a lit cigar and slowly made my way to relax on the back porch like it was normal. An ashtray was there even though no one in the family smoked, uh, no one else? I was 14!
The evening wore on, my parents came home, we had dinner I retired to the porch again, and even once before bed. Everyone acted like this was a normal occurrence, even and most especially me! My father even came out to keep me company while I was smoking, bringing two beers for us, and we drank and chatted about sports.
Nothing struck me as strange until hours into school the next day. During our first break, one of the football players congratulated me on my "good hustle" during practice. I thanked him and returned a compliment about his aim and then things began to fall apart... or maybe, come into focus is a better phrase? "I hate sports 'cause I suck at them and don't want to spend more time in the gym than I have to," I said to myself, yet feeling a disturbing sense of excitement in thinking about gym class and time with Coach in the weight room.
"I don't know the first thing about..." Last night's delightful discussion with dad came flooding back, but that raised new questions. Dad'd kill me for drinking his beer or smoking, but both? Hah! Some kind of messed up dream, I reasoned, and not even a good one, no girls... I headed to the bathroom, my morning coffee runs through me but, I do love it.
This took me back to the football player addressing me as one of his own. Imagine me as a jock, ha! I'm so not the type. Washing my hands I glanced at the mirror, the same reflection from this morning stared back at me but I saw it with new eyes. I was bulky, in a muscular sort of way, like I started working out a few years ago. I was growing dense stubble to rival most seniors, and it was at this point I realized my voice had been an entire octave lower all day.
Rather than freaking out about my body changing wildly overnight and nobody noticing, I was concerned about trying to fit into my new role in this reality. I was taught not to look a gift horse in the mouth so waking up accepted, athletic, and more masculine isn't one of those things a formerly insecure, scrawny, and awkward freshman should raise an issue with. Gym class was much better than I remembered it being and for the first time in my life, I felt like I could focus on the task at hand rather than being focused on the judgment of those around me.
The school day finished without any more changes being noticed, I walked to my car, placed my bookbag in the back, and exited the parking lot. I had been distracted by school all day and hadn't had a chance to think about what was going on with reality. I briefly considered stopping for another coffee on the way home and decided to do so 'cause I planned on being out late.
It was a school night, I was still grounded, I know how crazy this sounds but... anyway, I stopped for coffee...