While peering through the clothing section, a safari hat grabs your attention. There seemed nothing out of the ordinary about it, so you decided to ask the shopkeep what it's suppose to do.
"Oh, this is the 'Adventure Hat!' What it does is alter the flow of time, multiverse, luck, etc. to make it's wearer the 'protagonist' of their own adventure. The way the universe changes itself is based on the wearer's own view of how a story should go. For example, depending on what type of media one consumes and likes the most, the hat will tell the universe to make things come through in the form of a 2-Act, 3-Act, or 5-Act structure. People will have their personalities slightly altered to better suit the tropes and cliches that the wearer knows, like little children role-taking after their parents or cartoon characters. The one trope that the universe won't commit is the 'fake-out protagonist,' unless you take the hat off and give it to someone else, so don't be afraid of dying for someone else's development. The only time you will stop becoming a protagonist and lose your 'plot-armor' is if you take it off and give it to another man."
Hearing that makes you cringe at the fact that, besides books for English, all you've done is read mature doujins and played pornagraphic visual novels. Still, it could be worse, like if 'The Hunger Games' or 'To Kill a Mockingbird' became reality. You ultimately decide to go buy the hat and go back home; watching some superhero films and getting superpowers would be amazing, or maybe some romcoms could hook you up with a boyfriend.
You make your way back home to see your brothers and dads already eating dinner. They latter both raise their hands up and shake their heads, something that confuses you greatly until you realize that they're copying a movement commonly seen in anime. Despite the fact you're just carrying the hat and not actually wearing it, the universe is already making things anime-esque. You subconsciously picture this shocking realization as your head taking up half the screen and a lightning bolt coming from your head, and hurry to your room.
"Wait, Cassey, could you stay for a second? We need to talk to you about something."
With your room too far to toss the hat in, you begrudgingly walk back to the dining table. Your brothers look at each other and think they should leave, for your privacy of course- ever the caring, lovable dorks that keep you from getting middle-child syndrome. However, your father stops them as well, saying that this is something they all need to hear.
"Alright... Maxi-mil, do you want to say it, or..?"
"Let's both say it, Lex. We're both at fault for this going as long as it has."
"W-What's going on... You guys aren't getting a divorce, are you?"
"No- no Sam, we'll never get a divorce. We love each other... and we love you, which is why we thought it was best to keep this a secret. H-H-However, that was the wrong thing to do. You'r-re... grown men now. Sam is even in college now... Oh god..."
"It's okay Alexi, you don't have to say any more."
"Will you guys just tell us!? What's going on?"
Both fathers look down at the table, suspense building up until Max Sr. says it.
"You're all adopted."
The bad feeling in your chest bursts out into panic. There's no way that this was already true, was it? The storekeep didn't mention that the past could be changed, only that time as it stood then would; still, it's not like he flat out said it that wouldn't happen. Even then though, what purpose does the hat have in making him adopted? What could-
"Wh-What the hell... This has gotta be a joke!" Max Jr. says, trying to forcefully pushing his chair out... before falling into you, pushing the two of you until you're both on the ground, you on top of Max, looking into his eyes.
. . . It all became painfully clear . . .
Anime was a Mistake
---Hayao Miyazaki