"We have a collection of marvelous castration devices." She said rummaging through a cabinet of wicked and intimidating BDSM paraphernalia. "Some of them are quite versatile; snip off the right-side genital to make yourself gay, or the left to go straight... I think... Or was it the other way around?... Either way, with a complementary prosthetic, you'll never know the difference..."
"WHAT?!" You scream. "I'm not looking to lose my gonads."
"I said 'GENITAL'... singular!" She corrected, "Don't be over dramatic... And anyway, that's the best way to make you a bit less sexual... I mean, there's always chastity devices, but some people frown a bit at the torturous aspect..."
"No, no, no. Hold on. I couldn't BE any less sexual." You insist. "I AM bisexual, but not the kind that's attracted to people. That's my problem. I like guys and girls equally, but kinda' not at all... You know?"
"Oh, that sounds more like 'Asexuality', Luv." She replied with a smirk. "You're lucky we got that straight up-front. I can't tell you how many people have wound up buying completely the wrong thing for lack of knowing what to ask for... You want to EXPERIENCE sexual attraction... That's just as easy to do. I have just the thing."
She bounded joyfully over to a rotating display rack of childish novelty gags and coyly withdrew a small item, concealing it in her palm. She gave you a cheeky grin as she slowly came back to the register and playfully slapped the small item down on the glass display counter in front of you, before pulling back her hand in an unnecessarily theatrical flourish to reveal a small, square packet.
"A condom?" You questioned, scrunching your face in confusion.
"Look again." She encouraged, rolling her eyes.
You redirect your gaze back to the small packet and look it over. It's yellow and black with bold, red cartoon lettering that says "Arcadian Itching Powder".
"What's this? I'm not looking to prank anybody..." You say uneasily.
"Oh, I understand." She replies, "This is for you. Just sprinkle a little pinch over your sleeping beauties and just watch them come to life!"
"How much?"
"Fifty cents."
"That's it?!" You say with surprise, and a growing suspicion that this whole store is really just a giant joke at your expense.
"Of course, Luv. Believe me, It's really not as cheap as it sounds. Most people get their little itch for free." She said with a shrug.
You nod slowly, trying to process what this would mean to you when you had a thought. "If it's so cheap, maybe I should buy a couple extra packets so I don't run out too fast."
"No need, no need. That there is a lifetime supply. When you're ready to feel the urge, just sprinkle away and wash up when you're done, it's as simple as that, but keep it away from women and children to avoid unwanted side effects, unless you know a gal who's keen on having permanent clitoral erections, no judgement of course!"
"Right, no problem." You respond with a nervous laugh, eager to cut the uncomfortable conversation short. You still weren't convinced that she wasn't just pulling your leg.
With a satisfied nod she rang you up and packaged your tiny purchase in a discrete, though oversized, paper bag, which just ended up making the purchase look and feel more unseemly as you exited the sex shop. The City's pride event activity was bustling all around and you were eager to shrink away and find a private bathroom so you could try out your new purchase and maybe join the fun as a full participant for once, but she never told you just how it would effect you and the packaging had no instructions. Would it make you gay, bi, or even straight?! Or would it just make your balls itch?