Troy had basically no idea what to do about this turn of events. He stepped back quickly, avoiding his lawn chair. As he did, he suddenly became aware of the press of Paradox attempting to strike him. It was a palpable thing.
Literally. One minute he was wearing a t-shirt in the warm night air and the next a Letterman’s Jacket appeared on him, making him suddenly overly warm. He panted, tongue hanging, out, and it took him a moment to realize that dogs panted and he wasn’t a dog.
“Looks like Paradox is hitting you now.” Randy stepped forward, attempting to close the distance.
Troy could see black fur spread over his body. His ears grew and folded over themselves. His panting quickened as his muzzle pulled back and blunted.
“It’s turning me into a dog?” Troy asked.
“Rottweiler. A chubby stoner ex-jock, in fact.” Randy sneered.
Not good. Drugs would compromise his thoughts, making it practically impossible to fight Paradox long enough to deal with Randy. He felt his long tiger tail slide back up his spine until only a nub remained. Even his claws were gone, no longer retracting when he popped them out.
He took another step back and staggered as a feeling of vertigo hit him. Troy blinked. Had he shrunk? He glanced back up at Randy, who loomed at least a foot taller than he was. He whined.
What could he do?
“Where’s Tex?” Troy asked.
Randy paused. “What do you mean?”
“The bull that was sitting here.” Troy took a drag from his blunt and paused, then coughed and hacked. “I changed him.”
His mind filled with a strange euphoria. He staggered, fat softening his body-builder frame, making him look like he’d taken a few months off and all of them were cheat days. His shirt disappeared with a *pop*, leaving his soft belly hanging free. Another *pop* and he had a white baseball cap on his head turned backwards like he’d seen some jock douches do.
But he had the Book, and the thoughts about being a college jock who got kicked off the team and spent his college daze stoned and eating pizza while being fucked by Randy weren’t landing as effectively as they would have.
“Master Tex was the bull!?” Randy’s eyes widened. “Master Sam would never forgive me!”
Wait, so Tex and Sam…Sam was the Book of Transmutation guy and he’d given Tex a ride? Troy was dazed and confused. But he played along anyways.
Troy giggled. “Yeah, naughty doggy, you’re in big trouble now!”
“I-I-I-…” Rusty’s eyes flickered and his jaw dropped. “N-ot c-correct. Error. Rebooting.”
There was a light pop from the robot’s head and the smell of burnt plastic filled Troy’s yard. He stared at the Rusty bot in horror. Had he killed Rusty? If he animated him now, would he be dead of a brain aneurysm or something?
He couldn’t dwell on it. If he didn’t get to that Book right now, he’d end up a stupid stoner fuck toy. He grabbed Rusty’s key from his pocket and sprinted around the neighborhood. He winded easily. Maybe he shouldn’t have blown off all those workouts.
Troy didn’t know what Rusty had driven here in, so he hit the alarm button. A truck nearby sounded a car alarm that had all the guests jumping. Troy quickly quieted it and checked the back of the truck. A bullman fucktoy lay in the bed on a canvas tarp. Bingo.
He took another drag off his blunt. Man, he was going to be blitzed by the time he got to the Book. Troy shook the thought away and tossed the blunt. He couldn't just run around in public with that shit. The fuzz was right there! He saw Lenny in uniform staring at him oddly under a streetlamp nearby.
“Damn, that’s one hot dog.” He heard Lenny murmur. “Nice and thick.”
Troy blushed. He wanted nothing more than to give that bear the time of his life. He always felt that way, so it wasn’t clear if that was him or the fucktoy thoughts drifting through his mind.
“Maybe next time bro.” Troy waved lazily, got in the truck and started it.
Where was he going?
Troy paused. Tex had said he’d come here with Sam, the bad guy or whatever. There had to be a hotel the Book of Transmutation was staying at or something. Surely there were clues. Man, he was so stoned, it was hard to do much critical thinking.
“Need some help?” Lenny shined a flashlight on him.
“Yeah man,” Troy pointed. “I think I lost the card to my hotel. It could be here or back at the party.”
The bear leaned in, muzzle wrinkling. “You high?”
“On life, bro.” Troy giggled.
“Oh no, I might have to haul you in.” Lenny smirked and pointed at the tent in his pants. “Unless…”
Troy sighed and patted the passenger’s seat. “Then get in. Not like they’re gonna miss you.”
Lenny happily went around to the passenger side door. He moved some clothes out of the way and a card dropped to the floorboard. Lenny held it up.
“Guess you’ve got the Presidential Suite at the Filton.” Lenny made to lean over and hand it to him, but when Troy reached for it, the bear leaned in and kissed him on the lips.
Troy moaned into the kiss, enjoying it. He fumbled for the Book, knowing it couldn’t go much farther than this. He tore his mouth away as his saliva had gotten slicker and the moan had started to rise into a whir.
“Command!” Troy pointed at Lenny. “Get out of the truck. You have no memories of the last five minutes. Continue as normal.”
Lenny blinked and exited the vehicle and started patrolling again. Tory gave a strange, whirring sigh, his throat throbbing and his mouth more fluid and slicker to his tongue. That was one threat dealt with. He drove to the Filton, hoping he’d find the Book there.
Troy pulled into the Filton, munching on a bag of Sunions. He was so stoned. For some reason, no matter how many he threw away, more lit joints kept appearing in his hands the whole drive down. He’d considered just going along with it, but a sobering voice in his told him he’d end up a fucktoy if he did that.
On his drive here, he’d come up with a brilliant plan that would totally work. Like, The Book dude knew that Randy was supposed to bring Troy back as a fucktoy. So Troy showing up as a giggling stoned idiot carrying a bull fuck toy wouldn’t trigger any alarms. He just had to, like, call the dude Master. But that could be a problem if it triggered the whole fucktoy thing. Strangely, he felt like he’d failed there in another world. Man, being high was fucked up.
And when he arrived at the Filton, that was what he did. He lugged the sex toy in, drawing stares. He just wagged his tail and entered the elevator before the front desk guy could stop him. There was a slot for the Presidential Suite. He stuffed the key card in it and up he went.
The door dinged and opened to a hallway with three doors. Troy shrugged and tried the first one. It swung open. A handsome yet strangely plain looking man in his late thirties was pacing in the room and stopped when he saw him. His hand went to a Book on the table and his finger pointed at him.
“Master.” Troy giggled before the man could open his mouth. “Randy sent me with a big prize!”
The man paused. “You must be Troy. I expected you to be a fucktoy by now.”
Troy stuck a finger in his mouth and it whirred audibly. The man relaxed and smiled. He gestured to two other robots who had stood and they sat back down. Troy tried not to think too hard about the 'other robots' thought.
“Good boy. Set it down on the bed.”
Troy nodded, avoiding saying Master any more than he needed to. He backed away as the man approached.
“I’m not sure how Randy managed to transform you into another robot, but I can’t say I’m displeased at the results.” He began to inspect the bull. “In working order. I’ll have to make some adjustments later. You," Sam narrowed his eyes at Troy, "Stay here. The rest of you, go and find that Book!"
The other robots nodded and left. Sam stood there, aware that his fur was becoming more faux than fur by the minute. He needed to make his move now. The other robots-he cringed-were gone.
Troy padded up behind the man. “Do you wish me to take him somewhere?”
“Yes, I-” The man narrowed his eyes at Troy. “You blinked.”
Troy slammed the Book he’d carefully concealed upside the man’s head.
“Fuck you. Gimme your Book, cunt.” Troy snarled.
The man fell and rolled away over the bed and reached for a Smerf foam dart pistol. “Inanimate.”
The fake gun became a really big realistic one. Troy wasn’t sure if it would actually wor-
The noise actually caused him to lose his sense of hearing temporarily as the gun bucked and the plaster bust of Cicero on a stand near the bed exploded. Troy rolled to the opposite side of the bed, narrowly avoiding more bullets that put huge holes in the walls.
“It’s Smerf or Nothing, baby!” The man shouted triumphantly. “That bed won’t give you much cover you furry fuck, these bullets can punch through concrete!”
“Wait! I surrender!” Troy stood up. “Your name is Sam, right? Just take the Book.”
Sam stared at him and smiled. “Your fur is beginning to look fake.You’re suffering Paradox, aren’t you?”
“You like the bull?” Troy nodded at the fucktoy.
“He’ll do for now.” Sam shrugged. “But once I get my hands on that Book of yours, I think I’ll make you the bull. Tex can fuck you all day if he wants. It’s my gift to him.”
“Oh.” Troy pointed at the bull. “That’s Tex. He, uh wanted me to make him a bull. Randy fucked him without realizing it.”
Sam’s face went white with rage. He pointed the gun at Troy’s head and pulled the trigger. Troy whimpered.
*CLICK*
Empty. Sam threw it away in disgust.
“Shape!” Troy pointed at Sam, imagining a slug.
Sam smiled at him. “Sorry kid. The game was rigged all along.”
He rapped a knuckle on his forehead. A metallic tone rang in the empty hotel room. Troy’s heart sank. So Sam had been prepared for him after all. And in the simplest way as well. The Book of Beasts only worked on living creatures. He was a robot.
“Not afraid of Paradox?” Troy asked, defeat sinking into his words.
“He loves me.” Sam grinned. “My Auditor, Mr. Morningstar. Gave me the Book, told me what a fan he was. Any Paradox I have just makes me stronger. And he told me all about your Auditor. Loki. You just can’t win, kid. I don’t even have to kill you. In an hour, you’ll be another product waiting to be shipped.”
“Okay. But you have the same weakness I do.” Troy grabbed the bull’s torso off the bed and ran for the door. “You love someone and you’ll do whatever it takes to get them back. Kiss Tex goodbye!”
Sam cursed and reached for another Smerf gun. He picked a heavy machine gun. Troy scrambled to get out of the room. He had to make it to the elevator, there were no stairwells that accessed this floor. Heavy bursts decimated the walls around him. Troy dove, dragging the rather heavy fucktoy with him, raising him as a shield.
A few rounds *panged* and *patted* as they struck Tex’s body.
Troy hoped he’d forgive him when all was said and done. He seemed like a nice guy. An idiot, but nice.
The elevator doors opened. Troy rolled in and hit the button for the ground floor. Something heavy rolled in. Troy caught the pineapple shaped grenade and tossed it out. The doors shut and the elevator began to descend. An explosion shook the machine and Troy prayed it would hold on long enough for him to get out alive.
When the elevator opened again, Troy left at a sprint. He knocked a few guests out of the way, Tex’s mighty bull dong slapping a few people in the face when they didn’t move fast enough. Troy apologized profusely and ran into the parking lot. He threw Tex into the back of the truck and drove off.
The truck jerked along the road as Troy drove it back to the party. His grip on the steering wheel felt all wrong. It was like….Troy stared at his hands. They were shrinking slowly. He was going to lose to Paradox if he didn’t beat this guy soon.
He was in the home stretch. He could see his street sign just up ahead. He’d made it!
Machine gun fire blew out the back window. Troy swerved, seeing Sam behind the wheel of a Perrari convertible. Perfect, he needed to get Sam into his neighborhood. That’s when he noticed a spider had spun a web in the rear view mirror.
“Sorry mister spider.” Troy giggled and grabbed the spider, web and all and tossed it out the window behind him.
“Shape!” Troy pointed, almost losing control and swerving into an oncoming Semi.
The spider exploded into an enormous elephant. It flew into the convertible at considerable speed. And in a perfect spiral throw, too. Coach would be proud.
Sam swerved, but with a 10 ton Pachyderm hurtling towards him in one lane and a Semi in another, he chose the Pachyderm. The crash was spectacular.
“The elephant is fine, the elephant is fine.” Troy repeated to convince himself. He glanced in his rear-view mirror and winced. The elephant was not fine at all. “Really, really sorry mister former spider.”
He drove over a lawn and swerved to a stop, sending guests screaming away. As they scattered, the lumbering form of Lenny hurried into view. He hurriedly pulled his pistol out and pointed it at him.
“Get out of the car, hands in the air!” Lenny shouted.
Troy opened the door with one hand, showing the officer his free hand. “Uh, it’s just me Lenny, I uh, forgot my keys?”
“SHut your mouth and on your knees!” Lenny bellowed. “I don’t care who the fuck you think you are, driving like a goddamn maniac, but-”
“Inanimate.” A voice spoke coldly.
The bear shrunk and plopped on the ground. A teddy bear.
“Finally. First time I wanted to turn someone into a teddy bear and it works.” Sam’s voice held a note of exasperation.
Troy turned.
Sam limped towards him, hand clutching his Book. He was bloody, face banged up and his foot was turned at an odd angle. His other hand held another rather large gun, no doubt one from his Smerf collection. He kept it trained on Troy.
Troy raised his arm, pointing at Sam.
“You stupid fuck!” Sam spat, cocked the gun. “You just don’t get it, do you. I’m cheating. You can’t hurt me. My Auditor fucking loves me, strokes it to me. No spell cast on me will work!”
Troy nodded. He knew.
With all that he had discovered about this guy, he’d figured it would be something like that. Auditors took sides, played favorites. His hated him. Apparently wanted him fat for some reason. And this sick fuck had one actively protecting him. The world truly was unfair.
Troy opened his mouth.
“Oh no,” Sam shook his head. “I’m not gonna underestimate you again. One move and I blow your head off. One fucking word, you die.”
Normally, Troy would be fucked. But if you remember…
Troy had prepared for that.
He gave a mental order to Muffin and felt a tremendous amount of energy slip away from him to his familiar.
One second passed. Two.
There was a creak from the birdcage above Sam’s head.
Sam glanced up.
The bird exploded in size, becoming a fully grown Blue Whale in a second. The cage, of course, burst, and the 100 ton, hundred foot long whale dropped on his head. He didn’t have a chance to scream.
“Shape.” Troy pointed.
The whale disappeared and a rather confused bird flew off, chirping angrily. He tried not to look at Sam’s crushed remains. Strangely, there was no blood. He’d expected a huge splatter, but the man looked absolutely boneless. Troy giggled. So that was how boneless wings were made.
Troy shook the thought away and grabbed the Book. There was a flash as it combined with Troy’s thick tome. He stared down at the new title. Book of Transfiguration.
He stumbled away, legs and arms beginning to fade. Randy stood where he’d left him. Troy flipped through the Book with fingers that shrank away by the time he’d finished perusing it.
“Object!” Troy pointed at Rusty with one receding stump.
Rusty altered, clothing shifted from his thug outfit back into a police uniform. Troy wasn’t sure if that was enough. He rewrote the brass plaque. Rusty Police Dog Good Boyfriend to Troy the Stoner Dog. He knew there was something wrong with that statement, but he was running out of energy and appendages to point with.
“A-animate!” Troy gasped.
The doberman blinked back to life, fur returning to normal, no longer fake. He turned to look at Troy and fear swept across his face. Rusty ran to him and picked him up off the ground.
The last thing Troy heard before he blacked out was Rusty calling his name.
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He woke up to voices arguing in the living room. Rusty and RK were going at it round and round. RK was blaming something on Troy. He heard his name being called. The chubby Rottweiler slung himself out of bed and wandered over to the dresser where his bong sat. He packed it and took a few calming drags.
Properly stoned, he walked out of his bedroom and into the living room.
“Yo RK, I had the strangest dream. I like, turned you into a skunk or something? It was so weird. I was totally un-chill.” Troy giggled. “Like there were these multiple timelines where I turned you into a gerbil or a pile of dogshit. Wild stuff man-”
Troy froze.
Rk and Rusty turned to look at him at the same time. RK stood in the living room. He was dressed to the nines in his chic Bohemian clothes like always. The man was holding a bong in Rusty’s face, his Book in his other hand.
That wasn’t what had stopped Troy short, however.
RK was a skunk. A rather cute twink one, at that. Anthropomorphic, of course.
“Good choice, bro. You’re one hot stinker.” Troy giggled.
RK glared at him. “What the fuck, Troy! Do you think I’m happy being a fucking skunk?”
“Uh, I dunno, don’t feel bad man, at least you smell like my favorite herb now.” Troy shrugged.
“You’ve warped so much reality I got pulled into it you idiot!” RK threw the bong at him and it shattered against the wall. “And you went and turned yourself into a fucking stoner! Now I've got memories of being your stupid stoner fuck buddy!”
Troy and Randy stared at RK in confusion. Wasn't he always their stupid stoner fuck buddy? I mean, the dude was hot...
“The reality shift, morons! You got Audited.” RK fumed. “Fix me! Turn me back into a human before my mind shifts!”
Rusty sagged. “Do it, Troy.”
“Whuh?” Troy blinked, “I thought you didn’t like him. This is, like, comeuppance.”
“I know how it feels to be fucked by the Auditors.” Rusty shrugged. “At least try to save him.”
Troy sighed. Work. Work. Work. He pointed at RK, who stuck his fingers in his ears.
“Half.” Troy said dejectedly.