Where does one take a newly created animal woman? Ty thought of this as the invisible particles of his disassembled body whisked themselves through the fabric of space and time itself on a journey to a destination he hadn’t even chosen but paradoxically already had.
A first date seemed like an odd formality given that they had already consummated their instant attraction across species and age gaps on the floor of a forest. She had made him a man and he, in turn, had literally made her a woman. No, Ty realized, he wanted to introduce his lovely anthropomorphic girlfriend to a staple of human culture. A shining bastion of all that humanity had accomplished. He was hungry as well.
* * *
Ty and Kaylee snapped back into existence at a MacJohnson’s location in the heart of the city Ty had grown up in. There was an audible gasp of disbelief as the godlike human and his deerlike girlfriend stood in varying degrees of confusion as they materialized from nothingness into the middle of a lunch rush line at the counter.
Like Moses before him, Ty parted the line of customers and stood amidst mortals with a particularly cute animal woman blinking feebly in complete and utter bewilderment at her new surroundings.
“W-Where are we?” Kaylee whispered.
“MacJohn’s,” Ty whispered back, “I was kind of craving a tall Mac.”
“Uh...” The deer sniffed the air gently and seemed curiously intrigued by the scent as the patrons around them shuffled away in abject horror. “I’m afraid those words don’t particularly reconcile to anything I currently know. It smells nice in here, though.”
The screams followed, as trays were flung up into the air and the restaurant emptied itself of panicked customers. One particular fellow in a long black trench coat and a greasy ponytail pulled out his phone and snapped a picture of the deer, however.
“Was... was it something I said?” Kaylee blinked, wide eyed.
Ty approached the counter and stood before the trembling attendant.
“Hi,” he said evenly, “I’ll have a #1 with large fries and coke. What do you want, Kaylee?”
The deer looked around in a panic and locked eyes with the high school girl at the register. Her large eyes widened further and she began to experience her first taste of social anxiety tinged in panic. “Uh... uh... what do I do here? What is this?”
“T-The menu.” The high school girl pointed breathlessly, as burgers sizzled in the background. “Order from the menu.”
“Oh.” Kaylee nodded, understanding the sense of the words and staring up at the overly busy backlit display flashing the latest advertisements for products that would be gone in a month because nobody liked them. She was utterly fascinated. “What happens then?”
“W-We... we make what you order?” The girl stammered, sweating profusely at the sight of a talking deer woman trying to comprehend what it meant to order food in an esoteric sense.
Kaylee turned to Ty and whispered into his ear again. “W-What should I order from the menu?”
“Do you like meat?”
The deer considered this and shook her head gently. “No?”
“Right. Ruminate.”
“Hmm?” The deer cocked her head, more confused than ever.
“The lady will have a salad.”
“Oh.” Kaylee nodded, dragging out the word. “Saaa-laaaaadddd.” She looked up on the screen above and considered the description of fresh greens tossed in a ranchlike substance. “What is ‘ranch’ dressing? Does this sal-aide come with clothing? I don’t understand.”
This continued for some time until eventually all parties came to a consensus and the horrified cooks in the back avoided eye contact with the deer creature as they quickly tossed her prepacked salad from the cooler onto a tray and went back to the monotony of serving the drive through.
* * *
Ty sat with Kaylee in the corner booth and eventually customers began to wander back into the establishment, either avoiding eye contact with the really creepy fursuiter in the booth or staring at her with alarmed disbelief. In any case, business returned to normal.
“You called yours a hammed burger?”
“No, just a hamburger.” Ty giggled.
“What peculiar words. I may just be an intelligent animal created less than an hour ago, but it strikes me as somewhat misleading.”
“How so?” Ty said patiently in between bites.
“If it’s made of 100% locally raised cattle meat why do you call it ham when it is actually composed of beef? Should it not be called a beef-burger? Or, perhaps, a cowburger?”
“You know, I actually don’t know. That’s a good point.”
“Hmm.” Kaylee nodded, as confused as ever. “And this money. How does it work?”
“Well, the leaders of our country prints pieces of paper that are valued by a bank they don’t control that tells they’re worth a certain amount and then we work to get those pieces of paper and then use them to buy things, like MacJohnson’s.”
“I see.” Kaylee nodded again, getting the gist of it. “So if I want another sal-ed I will have to work for the money to buy one? A-Am I not supposed to just eat grass off the ground anymore, now that I am humanoid? Is that forbidden?”
“I suppose you could.” Ty shrugged. He realized he didn’t know that answer either. “I... I think you still can. Might get some weird looks, but sure.”
“Oh!” The deer gasped. “I’d hate to embarrass you, love!”
“Hey, that’s a super realistic deer costume! Like uncanny valley! How did you get the facial expressions to look so real?” A fatter bearded gentleman walked up and began asking uncomfortable questions. “Is that actually a woman under there? ... How did you get the fur so real? ... Can I take a picture for my FA? ... Who did you commission?”
Kaylee blinked and looked down at herself. “C-Costume?” She gaped. “What does that mean?”
“I’ll explain later.” Ty giggled. “I’ll need to show you some websites.”
“Like... like a spider web?”
“Anyway, cool suit!” The neckbeard concluded, and carried on waddling on about his day.
The salad was stringy, the lettuce was a day or two old, and the ranch had made everything soggy. Kaylee was not impressed with her meal by any means and made it known she would not be purchasing another salad anytime soon.