The march back to town was a trip. Everyone was rather exhausted from bailing hay in the hot sun. Jeff was yawning and mumbling about getting a Spectral Steed so he didn’t have to walk. The poor bear was waddling slower than normal.
“Jeff?” Charlie asked. “Can you tell me where to lift curses?”
“A temple.” Jeff said. “And it’ll cost us money to lift the curse.”
“How much?”
Jeff yawned and scratched his wobbly tummy. “Dunno. Better find a minor temple. Cheaper that way.”
“Will the service be cheap too?”
“A spell is a spell no matter who casts it, at least when it comes to Remove Curse. Damage spells and things that require a save to resist are another matter.”
“Guys, I have no idea why you’re freaking out.” Greg huffed. “Nothing happened, really!”
“I’m not freaking out.” Jeff said.
“I saw you transform the guy just by sucking him off and then you went nuts and attacked me! For no reason!” Charlie said, his ears flat.
“Weird.” Jeff muttered.
“What?”
“It’s just…she didn’t actually finish the ritual, so the after effects shouldn’t be this bad.” Jeff shrugged. “Magic here has rules. Granny must’ve stuck something on him.”
“He ate the soup.”
“Ah, potion. Okay.” Jeff nodded. “That was a bad idea.”
“How was I supposed to know that!”
“How were you supposed to know that splitting the party was a bad idea?” Jeff asked. “Uh, you. And then you went to get a cat instead o fighting slimes with me.”
“Any other words of wisdom you want to give us belatedly?” Greg said heatedly.
“Don’t drink from springs, don’t steal, don’t go to prison.” Jeff ticked off on his claws. “Those’ll get you transformed.”
“Prison changes you?”
“Haven’t you seen OZ?”
“Jesus Christ…” Greg shook his head. “There, look, town.”
Up ahead on the hilltop was the large city. It was much more grand at a distance. There was a big keep in the center of town and around it were the various buildings, shops and dwellings that made the city function. Farms and fields radiated out around it like spokes of a wheel. It truly was grand, now that Greg had a better view of it.
The search for a cheap temple took longer than anticipated. Worse, every door they passed could potentially conceal Granny, waiting to take Greg into her clawed clutches. The hag and her plans for him had Greg shivering inside. She’d changed him and he’d…liked it. The coins clinking in his pouch were proof that there were some benefits to the curse, at least.
Every major temple was charging 200 gold, which they couldn’t afford. The day was still hot as hell, and they were all sweaty and ready to get to a tavern at this point. Jeff huffed and puffed, unzipping his overcoat and airing himself out. They rounded a corner on a side street dedicated to small gods and minor deities and stared at the first temple they saw.
It was half-ruined, clay shingles missing from the top. If one were to squint, the temple appeared to be a Grecian house. On the outside of the dilapidated temple was a statue of a skinny, tired-looking woman wearing a bedsheet and smoking a cigarette. Sparks and flames sputtered from the tip, keeping the door to the temple illuminated.
“What about this one?” Jeff gasped, pointing at it.
“That one?” Charlie raised his brow.
“Yup. It’ll be heavily discounted, I’m sure.” Jeff said firmly, wiping sweat from his furry brow. “Jesus, you’d think anthros wouldn’t sweat, they’d just pant.”
“Guys, we really don’t have to do this.” Greg said. “It’s something we’ll just have to manage.”
“No.” Jeff said firmly. “That’s a loss state. We can’t play an RPG with only two people.”
“Also, you’re my friend.” Charlie shot Jeff an annoyed look. “And you scared me.”
Greg looked away silently.
They entered the temple, which smelled of stale cigarettes and must. Ratty couches were scattered around a big kitchen set. A rather rotund crocodile man dressed in bedsheets wrapped about him like a toga stood there, rattling one of the cupboard drawers and cursing.
“Erm, excuse me?” Charlie said.
The crocodile turned and grinned. At least, Greg thought he was grinning. Then again, he was a crocodile so it was basically their default look.
“Ah! Adventurers! Welcome to the Temple of Anoia!”
“Anoia?” Charlie asked.
“Anoia is the goddess of hopeless causes, missing socks, stuck drawers, and things lost down the back of couches.” The cleric explained. “What may Her servant do for you?”
“We need you to remove a curse that Granny laid on my friend here.” Jeff jabbed a thumb in Greg’s direction.
“Granny, you say?” The priest said with a start, his eyes widening. “Thank Anoia he had friends to help him!”
“Right, can you, uh, break the curse?” Charlie asked, the wolf’s tail tucked between his legs. “The witch is after us.”
“Hag.” The cleric corrected. “An Annis, to be exact. We’ve attempted to have her removed from the city by force several times, but she always gets her kitten and leaves.”
“What happens to them?” Greg spoke up.
“Hmm?” The cleric asked.
“The kittens. Where do they go? Why does she want them?” Greg said.
“She’s an Annis. They collect souls.” The cleric said. “I suspect she’d turn you into a little female kitten and bottle your soul. It’s kinda her deal.”
Greg shuddered.
“We don’t want that.” Jeff said, taking a swig of something in a whiskey bottle. He burped and patted his gut. “Scuse me. We need our lion man barbarian back.”
“Well, good news and bad news on that front.” The cleric said. “I can break the curse on your friend, but as for all his muscles and such…Granny likely stole it as essence. You’d need to imbibe it….which means killing her, most like.”
“How much?”
“Going rate is two hundred gold.” The cleric said, lighting a cigarette and taking a drag.
“Right, well, we tried.” Jeff clapped his paws together and zipped up his robes.
The zipper stuck halfway up his gut. The bear growled in annoyance as the priest looked on, amused. Jeff tried to unzip it and zip it back but the damn…thing…wouldn’t…the zipper shot straight up, breaking off completely, and Jeff’s garments basically ripped apart, his huge gut flopping out, wobbling merrily in the air.
“Damn it! How the hell did the zipper get stuck in the first place.” Jeff ranted, trying to get his clothes back on, but it was like they were a size too small for him all of a sudden.
“I see. The goddess has blessed you.” The cleric sighed. “Ah, if only we could get someone with money in here. Alright, how much do you have?”
“21 Gold pieces.” Greg said, shaking his belt pouch.
“It’ll have to do.” The cleric rolled his eyes and patted the floating counter top. “Lay here. KEVIN!”
They all jumped. A young man came out and set a pan on the stove. He turned the flame up high and placed cigarettes in it. They began to smoke. He wafted the fumes around the room. Jeff choked and wheezed and Charlie covered his nose.
Greg slid up onto the counter and lay down. The cleric started chanting something in a foreign language. Then he turned and rattled a drawer.
“HOW CAN IT CLOSE ON THE DAMN THING AND NOT OPEN IT? WHO BOUGHT THIS? DO WE EVER USE IT?” The cleric voice echoed within the temple.
“Praise Anoia!” Kevin cried, placing the pan back on the stove. Smoke began to billow from it as the tobacco ignited.
“P-praise Anoia!” Charlie gasped.
“Praise!’ Jeff choked.
“Guys, this seems silly can we-”
“DO NOT SPEAK!” The cleric said authoritatively. “ANOIA, SHE WHO WALKS BETWEEN THE CUSHIONS, LIFT THIS CURSE!”
“Lift it!” Kevin cried.
“O LADY ANOIA, HEAL THIS BOY!” The priest shook in the throes of ecstasy, one hand on Greg, the other pulling uselessly at the stuck drawer. “UNSTICK THIS CURSE FROM HIS BODY!”
“He’s very enthusiastic.” Charlie commented.
“Clerics do be like that, though.” Jeff replied and raised his voice. “LEAVE HIS BODY, DEMON!”
“CAST THE DEMON OUT!” The cleric agreed, face screwed up in joy. “LEAVE THE DAMN BOY ALONE!”
Greg’s head bobbled on his shoulders as the cleric’s paroxysms shook his own body. He wasn’t feeling any different. Except, of course, for the increasing nausea as his head was rocked. The nausea reached a crescendo a minute later.
”Guys, stop I’m gonna be sick!” Greg squeaked.
“By Anoia, BE CLEANSED!” The cleric shouted.
The drawer suddenly popped open. Then Greg started vomiting strange black goo on the floor. It spread across the floor, making Jeff dance out of the way before it stained his shoes.
Jeff stared. “Holy shit!”
“Jesus!” Charlie gasped.
“Anoia!” The cleric said sharply.
“Right. Praise Anoia!” Charlie replied.
“PRAISE HERRRRRR!” The cleric screamed.
“PRAISE! PRAISE!” Jeff shouted enthusiastically.
Greg spat the last of the foul black goo and looked around at his friends. He shook his head. What a weird fucking day.
“Now for the matter of payment.” The cleric said, clearing his throat and holding out his paw.
“R-right!” Greg shook out the gold coins.
“That’ll do.” The cleric counted the coins before tucking them into his belt pouch. “Now go lose a sock in Her holy name.”
“Yes sir.” Greg said and stood shakily.
“KEVIN GET THE MOP!” The cleric shouted.
The three heroes stumbled out of the temple, poorer than they had been before while Kevin mopped up the black goo. Out of the corner of his eye, Greg thought he saw a familiar wooden door near the back of the Temple creak open and an eye peer out. He shuddered and ran to keep up with his taller friends.