The next few hours had seen the party make some small talk in an attempt to distract themselves from thinking about what may very well have been Jim. And while Veles didn’t seem to think Finn would be that cruel, the rest of the party wasn’t so sure. Charlie, in particular, kept wiggling and adjusting his pants as though his butt had an unscratchable itch.
Taking a deep breath, Palseks picked a small lute up from her feet and decided to finally get some use out of her class.
“Me sing kobold spiritual,” Palseks chirped, , “On the road again…~”
Geoffrey sighed, listening to the kobold sing. It sounded vaguely familiar, and when she was done with that song, she sang another one. They had a really long way to go. Until the invention of the steam engine, rate of travel between countries was measured in weeks. He didn’t remember much of his home world, but he did know if he had a car, they’d be at their destination in approximately twelve hours.
Or, if he could…
No. He pushed that thought straight out of his mind.
Looking over at Palseks, Geoffrey couldn’t help but admire the way the sun shone on her scales. She really was quite pretty. For a female. He sighed. Too bad about that part.
“I wish you were a guy,” Geoffrey blurted as he stared at the small kobold.
“Why?” Palseks chuckled.
“Well, you know…we have sex all the time, but you’re…alone.”
“Ha! Me have mate bond.” Palseks shook her head, “it better than orgy.”
“Really?”
“You love Gregory, right?” Palseks asked.
Geoffrey hesitated, “He’s…kinda insufferable.”
“But you servant,” Palseks pointed out.
“That’s a job,” Geoffrey replied.
“Then quit,” Palseks smiled.
“I…” Geoffrey sighed, “We’re in a party! He’d flip his shit.”
“Oh. So complicated.” Palseks said, “Rakser and I definitely in love.”
“Yeah. So this Rakser guy, is he…following us?”
“Rakser?” Palseks turned around, looking at the dusty trail behind them, “No.”
“You know what I mean,” Geoffrey rolled his eyes. “If he loved you that much, he’d follow after us.”
“Him might.” Palseks nodded, “Him best kobold.”
“If he does, can you make him understand that we’ve kinda freed you before he slits our throats in our sleep?”
“Yes.” Palseks paused, “Maybe not Gregory.”
“If he dies and Finn let’s him make a new character, he’s the type to go after you for revenge, you know.”
“Fine, fine!” Palseks waved a claw, “Me not let Rakser kill him.”
They traveled on in silence.
The caravan stopped for lunch, circling up at a designated spot off the side of the trail. This close to the city, there was a manned guard post that did regular patrols to make sure trade was secure. That would not be the case in a few days when they were deep in the forests.
Taking advantage of the temporary safety, everyone piled out of the carriage, relaxing while. Geoffrey had Palseks cooked up some lunch. The kobold seemed oddly grateful for the work, even though it was just meal prep and skinning carrots and potatoes. The party ate, then talked while Palseks and Geoffrey cleaned up. Then they were back on the road.
“You like being a servant?” Geoffrey asked.
“Hmm?” Palseks looked up at him. “No. Body wants to serve. Mind screams.”
“Yeah me too,” Geoffrey rolled his eyes.
“You like being skunk?”
“What?” Geoffrey looked down at the kobold, startled, “Why would you say that?”
“You have jar.” Palseks tapped Geoffrey’s bags, which were right next to her head on top of the carriage.
“...Yeah. I do like being the skunk,” Geoffrey said.
“You in trouble.” Palseks said, “Bardic Knowledge say you merge soul each sip.”
“It’s just a few more.”
“Each sip get worse.” Palseks reminded him.
“Yeah, like cigarettes.”
“No. Like… white powder stuff…” Palseks paused briefly, “not know name in warmblood speech. But you know what is. More you do, harder to stop.”
Geoffrey cringed, “I’m not addicted! I just wanna be in charge! I wanna be happy!”
“You down bad,” Palseks rolled her eyes.
“Yeah?” Geoffrey said hotly, “Well, what about your Dragonborn jar?”
“How you know about jar?!” Palseks hissed, narrowing her eyes at the polar bear.
“I guessed,” Geoffrey grinned.
“It for me and Rakser! Not dumb bear!” Palseks rolled her eyes.
“I’m not interested in being a scaly, Paul,” Geoffrey spat.
“Better than gay stink-butt, Jeff!” Palseks hissed.
“I didn’t fall in love with a person who doesn’t exist and will cease to exist when the simulation ends, Palseks!”
Palseks hissed and scrambled away, up onto the top of the carriage. Geoffrey sighed and rolled his eyes. That had been a low blow, but she was so fucking obsessed. Honestly, all she had to do was win the game and she might get Rakser for real as her prize.
However, her words about the skunk echoed in his mind. If he took too many sips of that soul juice, he’d end up the skunk. There had to be a way, in this world of magic and miracles, to have his cake and eat it too. He just needed to not become the skunk for a little while and find that answer.
Wait… Glitz. He had a spellbook about soul magic and polymorphing. Veles had that spellbook now. Maybe he could ask Veles for help?
That came with the risk of leaving his fate up to Veles, though. He didn’t know Veles. With that kind of magic, he could accidentally screw up and Geoffrey would be Nicolas, gay skunk perfumist. Maybe…just float the idea, see what Veles came up with, and take a sip from the skunk jar to double check that spell formula?
Geoffrey chuckled. Yeah, that would work!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
They all gathered around the campfire that night.
Roasting weenies, making S'mores'…well, the medieval equivalent thereof. Maisie the mouse had a bunch of interesting foods in her shop. The chocolate needed some sugar but it was like…dark chocolate smores. Fergus had provided other foods and condiments.
All in all, they were eating pretty good.
The rest of the caravan-and there were TONS of other carts-had their own fires going. Everyone wanted to leave town after the bridge was repaired so it was a very large wagon train.
During the day, everyone was too busy driving to worry about who else was in the caravan. Now, they had snoopers and the other camp guards doing their rounds to deal with.
“And what are you bunch on the trail for?” A large badger asked.
He was wearing old leathers and had a mace at his side. Next to him were his two other patrol partners: a ginger-haired weasel with throwing knives and an otter with two hand crossbows. All of them looked pretty rough and tumble. In Geoffrey’s opinion, they were as likely to be bandits as they were guards.
Actually… the polar bear narrowed his eyes at them. What if they were bandits pretending to be guards? That would make sense. But he didn’t want to alert them that he was on to them, if they were bandits. And if they were guards, well, that would certainly be very awkward.
“We’re off to the Capitol and then…” Veles said before Geoffrey could respond, “…we’re going to Paranor.”
“Paranor?” the badger blinked. “Are ye adventurers?”
“We are.” Veles nodded. “I’m Veles.”
“I’m Cress.” The badger said, then indicated the weasel and otter, “That’s Shiloh and that one with the crossbows is Amicus.”
“Why Paranor?” the otter, Amicus, asked in a quiet voice.
“Magic items. It’s dangerous but what really kills folks is lack of caution and greed,” Veles replied.
“Oh, but you ain’t greedy?” Shiloh, the weasel, snickered.
“No. I know what I want.” Veles said firmly. “I’m not going for some random loot, I’m going for things my party can use.”
“I see, I see.”
“It means one of the most dangerous routes through the city, of course.” Veles smiled.
“O’course.” Shiloh grinned.
“So…” Gregory asked as he stepped down from the carriage and took his place at the fire, “you’re guards?”
“Aye,” Cress the badger eyed the Prince’s golden armor, “And you?”
“Oh, me too.” Gregory noticed the badger’s eyes on his golden armor, “You want it?”
“Wut?” The badger asked.
“My armor. Do you want it?”
“Well now, that sounds…” Cress looked around the campfire at the rest of the party.
“It sounds like I don’t particularly like the way you’re looking at my armor.” Gregory said, still smiling. “But if I’m confident that I won’t be robbed walking around in it, what does that tell you about me?”
“Yer a fool,” Amicus muttered.
“And you lot are bandits pretending to be guards.” Gregory smirked. “Now fuck off before I decide to alert the rest of the caravan.”
“Why you-!” Cress snarled, drawing his mace.
”Hello there,” Charlie said as he materialized behind the badger, with a knife already pressed into the foolish guard’s throat.
“What the? Who the fuck are you people?” Cress sputtered.
“An adventuring party strong enough to go to Paranor.” Veles supplied. “You aren’t worth our time. Go away.”
“You aren’t going to tell anyone about us?” Amicus asked.
“Ssifisv.” Palseks sang as her eyes glowed green. The three guards looked at her, briefly mesmerized, before collapsing. .
The party turned to stare at the kobold.
“What did you say to them?” Geoffrey asked.
She shrugged. “Palseks good at talk like dragon, word is for sleep. Easier for Palseks than singing in warmblood.”
Palseks turned to the pile of sleeping men, “Palseks just doing job. Got rope?”
“I do.” Geoffrey murmured and rose to tie up the guards who might be bandits.
After tying the erstwhile bandits and tossing them behind the carriage, Geoffrey returned to his place by the fire.
“Hey Veles,” Geoffrey said.
“What?”
“You have that spellbook on you?”
“I do.”
“Can you cast a spell on me?”
“Of course. But I’m guessing you have something particular in mind?”
“I wanna be like the skunk.”
“No!” Gregory interrupted. “You will NOT be a stink-butt!”
“That’s not what I meant, my liege.” Geoffrey said.
“Explain,” Veles leaned forward, listening intently. “What do you actually want?”
“It’s hard to. I like his confidence. His intelligence. I don’t like being a skunk. And his fetishes are a bit much to manage, but I like his ability to cast spells.”
“Hmmm…that’s a lot of finessing. How often have you been drinking his soul-stuff?”
“Last couple of nights.” Geoffrey admitted.
“Geoffrey!” Gregory placed a paw to his mouth, scandalized.
“It’s addictive. More importantly it’s bad.” Veles said.
“I know.”
“No, I mean, we don’t need Nicolas. We need Geoffrey the bodyguard. That’s why this is a problem.” Veles explained. “I knew Nicolas.”
“You did?” Geoffrey asked.
“Of course. We’re two gay spellcasters who live in the same city. Kind of a small community.” Veles rolled his eyes. “We don’t want Nicolas in our party.”
“Why?”
“He’s completely depraved and an enemy.” Veles said. “Plus becoming Nicolas counts as losing to Finn.”
“What’s that mean?”
“That means you don’t get what you want after the campaign is over.” Veles said.
“And I’d fire you!” Gregory declared.
“So you can’t do it then?” Geoffrey huffed, ignoring the mink.
“Noooo, I said I can’t do it…YET.” Veles rolled his eyes. “Stop literally destroying yourself until I get the hang of the spell. You basically want to be Nicolas but without the alignment shift and to stay the same species, right?”
“Yes.”
“What? Why?” Gregory asked, growing angry.
“Don’t drink anymore soul juice and let me work out the spell formula. I’ll get back to you.”
“Soon?” Geoffrey asked hopefully.
“Hopefully. I mean, I’m right here. You can watch me.”
“This body,” Geoffrey said as his head began to hand down, “isn’t smart enough to read or even do basic math,”
He looked back up at Veles, “But if I were Nicolas for a few hours…”
“No! Not even one more time!” Veles spat. “I need a goddamn front liner!”
“You take another sip and I am through with you!” Gregory agreed.
“Alright, alright!” Geoffrey held up his gnarled paws in surrender.
“Veles experiment on bandits?” Palseks spoke up.
“Ugh, now the slave speaks.” Gregory rolled his eyes.
“Me be quiet then,” Palseks said bashfully.
“No, go on,” Gregory frowned, “Tell us your wisdom.”
Palseks’ eyes lit up.
“He need practice. We have practice.” Palseks jabbed a talon behind them where the bandits were tied up.
“Technically, we don’t know that they actually are bandits.” Veles said.
“I thought you wanted to experiment?” Charlie asked, once again appearing where just seconds ago had been vacant darkness.
“Yes,” Veles said, “But not the spell Geoffrey is asking for. He needs a personalized spell crafted. I could test the math on them, I suppose…”
“What are the risks?” Charlie said flatly.
“I screw up. Geoffrey’s soul gets banished to the nether, and that body becomes Nicolas. Permanently.”
“How much experimentation do you need to do to prevent that?” Charlie asked.
“A lot. Like, at least twenty people.”’
“Where are we likely to be ambushed?” Gregory interjected, “I’m sure bandits abound in this poorly governed country, certainly we can find some of them for you to experiment on.”
Charlie laid out a map of the trail between the city and the Capitol. Looking it over, he pulled one of his daggers and stuck it into one of the forests.
“Here.” He said, wobbling the dagger, “Five days from now, we enter the Cernhills. It’s a forest that covers the western half of the country. Unfortunately, while everywhere else is well-patrolled, this forest has…issues.”
“What kind of issues?” Geoffrey asked.
“Bandits and monster issues.” Charlie replied. “Apparently, every year, a few guard posts are overrun or abandoned. With the bridge going out, I think this caravan is a ripe target for bandits. They’ve had a week to set up for our arrival.”
“So in five days, we’ll have tons of people for Veles to practice on.” Geoffrey nodded. “Okay.”
“Fine,” Veles said, rolling out a parchment, “Let me do some math and I’ll deal with our friends back there.”
“Before you do, what are you turning them into?” Charlie asked.
“Oh, dunno. Trout? After I experiment with their stats, of course.” Veles said, starting in on the spell work.
“No!” Gregory said eagerly, “Sturgeon! I would love some caviar!”
Veles grinned, “Female Sturgeon coming right up!”
Palseks just stared dumbly at Veles. “Palseks new to warmblood lands, still learn language. What is words?”
Veles looked at hey, “Caviar? That’s fish eggs. Sturgeons are a type of fish.”
“Never had caviar…” Palseks yipped.
“Of course you haven’t, you’re a slave.” Gregory laughed. “Don’t worry, I’ll permit you to have some. It’s the best thing you’ll ever taste in your life.”
“Can you turn one of the bandits into a seal?” Geoffrey said as he licked his lips.
“Hmmm…maybe one of the ones who are going to ambush us.” Veles said. “Very blubbery, right?”
“Yes. I would like that.” Geoffrey smiled.
The party chatted happily through the night.