Like a matador fighting an angry bull who refused to be tamed, Bill Strasserman reluctantly took shelter behind the safety of his family's front door. He watched from the Strasserman's foyer with concern as Rob's furious bulk threatened to break down the heavy wooden entrance.
"Out of the frying pan and into the fire. Story of my life" sighed Bill, who was still tripping out from the fact that he had literally just traveled through time twice today. Once into the far future of 2058 where he was a grown man with a fully grown daughter and was married to his best friend, which was freaky and raised all sorts of concerns about free will and destiny. The second time had been to return him to right here and now...and it had been completely by accident. He had been so upset, so blood boilingly angry at Gloria's intrusion into his life, how she had ruined Tom's reputation and seemingly erased his entire family from existence, that he had made a furious wish without even knowing what he was saying. Now that he had time to think about it, he was immensely grateful that someone up there seemed to be looking out for him, because in retrospect things could easily be much worse right now if he had simply used another word or turn of phrase. If he had wished for Gloria to be dead, or to shrink down to ant size so he could step on her, or to buzz off, who knows what could have happened? Bill wasn't particularly religious, but it just seemed too much of a lucky break that his wish had turned back the clock. He imagined to his horror all of the myriad ways that it could have gone badly, and he couldn't stand that all of this happened because he couldn't control his temper. He fucking detested Gloria, but with this monkey's paw he now owned, he needed to be a lot more careful. He needed to learn self control.
The teenage boy fished the magic emerald out of his jean pocket and turned it around a few times in his hand. The golden core in the middle of the stone was creating beautiful sparks which rained down to the surface of the stone like a miniature snowstorm. Bill found this beautiful, and he became briefly hypnotized by its alluring charms....
"No! No! No! Snap out of it, Bill!" grunted the eighteen year old to himself. He knew that this thing was dangerous and probably at least partially sentient. The stone wanted Bill to use it, like in that old Jim Carrey movie The Mask.
Bill knew enough, at least through TvTropes and through pop culture osmosis, that magic artifacts like this were dangerous. No matter how tempting that it may seem to use it, that it inevitably corrupted you. Like the Monkey's Paw, which he mentally made an analogy to. His intelligent, analytical mind had a strong desire to test the stone. He wanted to see if he could crack it somehow, to get past the unwritten clause that one must be in blind, unthinking fury to activate it, as he had been ten minutes ago, and then use its reality bending magic to make improvements to his life and maybe down the road even turn the world into a utopian society(Bill was a dreamer like that), but he was also wise enough to know all of that needed to be done in a safe work environment.
His current situation, with the ogre like Rob Bolstrum pounding away and screaming verbal abuse at you? That seemed to Bill like the opposite of a safe work environment.
"GET OUT HERE RIGHT NOW, YOU BALLLESS FAGGOT!" he heard Rob yell through the door, Rob snarling through gritted teeth.
"Gee, you're making it sound so tempting!" yelled Bill back through the door sarcastically.
"OH, YOU WANT TEMPTING? IF YOU DON'T COME OUT HERE IN THE NEXT FIVE SECONDS, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I WAS SENT HERE TO DO BY BIG JON."
"And what's that, paying me back the money he owes me for busting my car?"
"NO YOU PIMPLE POPPING CUNT, I'M GOING TO BURN YOUR FUCKING PIECE OF SUBURBAN SHIT HOUSE DOWN TO THE GROUND!"
"Hope you brought your matches with you! Or can your family not afford matches?"
"BITCH, I'VE GOT MY GAS CAN RIGHT HERE!"
Though Rob couldn't seen him behind the door, Bill's eyes went wide in terror.
He knew that last insult had probably gotten under Rob's skin the most, as he was noticeably insecure about the poverty he lived in while most of Shermer High came from middle to upper middle class families. Or in Big Jon's case, a fucking loaded one. Which Bill felt bad for, but it was still no excuse to being a bullying piece of shit. Plenty of people came from tough backgrounds and didn't do what Rob did. But Rob was unstable. He might actually follow through on his threat.
Bill glared hard at the stone in his hand, which he sensed was laughing at his predicament as the pretty yellow sparks continued their flurry throughout the universe of the Ahn'Ger Stone.
Just as he was about to contemplate his decision further, Bill's father Greg ran down the stairs with a baseball bat in hand.
"Bill, what's going on?!" Greg demanded. "Who's that punk I've been hearing banging on our door? I've already called the cops. Is he the one you told me about? Rob Bolstrum, right?"
"OH, IS THAT YOUR OLD MAN, SHITTERMAN?" Rob taunted. "SIR, I'M THE GUY THAT'S GOING TO DESTROY YOUR PROPERTY IF YOUR SON DOESN'T SHOW HIS FUCKING FACE RIGHT NOW!"
Bill grunted deeply. He finally had it. He didn't travel through time to have some second asshole threaten his family. Gloria had done it once today, and Bill was adamant that it wouldn't happen again. Getting his dad involved had crossed the line.
LThe tall, skinny teenage boy finally made the decision to make another wish. One that he hoped was neutral enough to not cause any undue butterfly effect type changes.
"I WISH THAT YOU WERE A NICER PERSON, ROB!" he yelled through the thick oak door.
The gemstone reliably activated in his hand, glowing for all the world like a piece of kryptonite, and then everything went dark...
**
A cheap Lasko fan circulated air throughout the tiny, cramped bedroom Bill now found himself in, the only recognizable sound being the repetitive telltale hum of the motor and the blades as they continued their endless revolutions.
The strange room Bill now found himself in was tiny, cluttered, and apparently belonged to someone with low standards of tidiness. Offhand, he thought that his mother Martha would have a field day in here. Wherever he was, the owner apparently was a big fan of heavy metal judging by all of the posters of different bands adorning the walls. An older model CRT TV sat on top of a small dresser parallel to the to the bed he was laying on, and...and was that a VCR sitting on top of it? A VCR in 2019? Really?
Rays of early morning sunshine burst through the bottom of the blinded window to his immediate right, indicating that it was still early morning.
And he was naked!
His observations on where the gemstone had stranded him now was interrupted by the last thing he had ever expected: A curvy, equally naked red haired girl entering from the left and jumping right on top of him!
"Wheee!" she squealed happily.
"Mmmmph!"was the only sound that Bill could make, as said gorgeous redhead unceremoniously shoved her entire tongue down his throat and gave him the most enthusiastic French kiss of his life(Correction, the only French kiss of his life, and the only kiss period outside of his family), her generous breasts bouncing along his flat chest all the while, causing the bed, which Bill now realized that he was laying on, to begin squeaking wildly. She pressed soft hands against his cheeks to help push her tongue in even further to the point where it felt like she was giving his esophagus a bath.
Despite Bill's ecstacy, the stranger's thick, luscious lips tasting like bubblegum, he was self aware enough to realize to his astonishment that his genitalia and this woman's genitalia were interlocked with one another. This...this girl was literally riding him! They were having sex! Holy shit, he was having sex!
Who was this girl!?
Without warning, he got his answer. Not in the way he wanted, but he got an answer. A door cracked open.
"Bobbi, you and your little man whore get out of my house! You're both late for school, and I'm not having the truant officer stopping by here again!" screeched an aging battleaxe with dyed platinum blonde hair and wearing a faded white bathrobe.
"Yeah. Whatever you say, Sheila."
"Don't you call me that again you little bitch! I'm your stepmother, and you better start acting like it!" muttered the woman before slamming the door shut.
"Shit!" loudly exclaimed the redhead, who apparently was named Bobbi, as she slowly glided Bill's condom clad penis out of her vagina and leaped almost acrobatically off of the bed. "Shitfuck, Billy, why didn't you tell me what time it was?! Stepmom's right, we've got to go."
The girl known as Bobbi violently tore open a nearby dresser drawer and tossed all of her clothing onto the cluttered floor while muttering various curse words to herself, sounding like an adorable George Carlin.
As she began hastily getting dressed, Bill removed the condom from his junk and tossed it across the small room into a half filled trashcan.
"Nice shot, honey! I'm surprised you never made the basketball team" laughed the strange girl gently as she slipped on a pair of aqua blue colored panties over her long legs.
Next to his side of the bed, Bill noticed that his jeans, boxers, shoes, and T-shirt were scattered around. Without taking his eyes off of "Bobbi", he slowly picked these garments up.
But Bill waited to dress himself. Instead, he wordlessly watched as the girl who took his virginity clip a bra to her chest, followed by slipping on a black Little Nas X T-shirt and a long green flannel overshirt which she left unbuttoned. She then climbed into a pair of blue capris, practically pouring herself into the tight jeans, struggling to wiggle her wide hips and generous posterior into them. Finally, the redhead grabbed a pair of brown moccasins from off of a nearby shelf, which she casually slid her tiny, size six feet into.
"Billy, what the fuck!? Get dressed, honey! We've got to hit the fucking road!"
Bill watched the strange girl in utter awe before quickly following orders and got dressed. To his relief, he found the Ahn'Ger Stone sitting in his left jean pocket.
Once he was finished, Bobbi grabbed his hand firmly but gently, and he noticed that the tall girl was strong. She could probably beat him up if she really wanted to. Thankfully, she seemed to be in love with him.
"Sorry sweetie, as much as I get wet seeing you naked, we're in a bit of a hurry, so if you don't mind, let's blow this shit stand."
The bedroom door already open, Bobbi pulled Bill like a mother dragging her child along and forcibly walked him through what he now realized was a double wide trailer.
"Bye Sheila, see you never!" giggled the redhead, sarcastically waving at her stepmother as Sheila sat on the living on the couch angrily watching daytime television, deliberately ignoring what she thought of as her boyfriend's spoiled brat of a daughter.
Bill and Bobbi strolled across a gravel lined lot of run down trailers as the early morning sun shined it's glorious rays upon the two teenagers.
"Where are we going?" asked Bill, still lost as to what exactly was going on or who this person was he had just screwed around with. In the back of his mind, he told himself that this couldn't possibly be Rob Bolstrum. Could it?
"Chicago for now. I've got some friends in the city who said that we can crash at their place until we get on our feet. After that? Who knows. Hopefully someplace warm. I'm aiming for California. Vegas maybe. Or maybe Miami? Anywhere but fucking Illinois. I've had enough winters where I freezed my ass off to last me a lifetime. Did I ever tell you about when I was six and my dad was too drunk to fix the propane heater, so I woke up with literal icicles in my hair? And my doll's hair? Jesus. Meth man, gotta love it."
In the middle of Bobbi's spiel, they both had walked past a trailer where a mean looking, bulldogged faced girl who was watching in a cheap lawn chair. Bill thought he recognized her. He remembered someone in his class who he heard lived in the Shermer Fields trailer park who dropped out early on during their Sophomore year.
"Hey Bobbi, is that your knight in shining armor? He looks like a faggot to me!" she yelled from twenty feet away.
In response, Bobbi flipped this girl the bird with a long, red tipped finger.
"Fuck you very much, Marcy!" she announced in her new telltale impudent tone of voice before rounding a corner with Bill into a mostly empty parking lot.
They walked up to what...to what Bill realized was his car!
Bobbi smiled cheekily.
"It's nice having a girlfriend who knows her way around a wrench, isn't it? I fixed all the damage Big Jon did to it. I'm sorry that he's such a fucking douchebag."
"You're my girlfriend?" Bill stuttered, his jaw slightly dropping.
"Well, you're my boyfriend, so by logic, that would make me your girlfriend, right? I mean, if you want to keep being my boyfriend that is. After what you did for me, I'd follow you anywhere. I'd be just as happy being your friend, your Chewbacca."
"What I...what did I do for you?"
Bobbi sauntered over to Bill and gave him another deep kiss. When she finally let go, she spoke in a gentler, softer tone of voice.
"Don't be so modest. If you hadn't been the only guy nice enough to ask where my black eye came from, or my busted lip, I'd probably still be stuck with that psychotic asshole. The way you confronted Jon in front of everybody, how you provoked him into attacking you and got him expelled, goddamn, that was so hot to me. You may be a little skinny, and you may be a geek, but you've got the biggest balls I've ever seen. Marcy was right, you're my knight in shining armor. You're my hero."
Bobbi let go of him, and Bill almost started floating from all the butterflies currently flying around in his stomach.
This girl, this wet dream...was his girlfriend?
"Now come on and get in" said Bobbi, already climbing into the driver's seat of his now completely repaired vehicle.
"But... school."
"Fuck school. Get in!"
Bill walked over to the passenger's seat and climbed in, off on some unknown adventure.