Charles Morningstar, son of Michael and Parthenope, had spent the night keeping his girlfriend Stacy Hoffman company. A lot had happened last night. Her beloved grandmother dying, for one thing. On a stranger note, they had met Death, who (along with the dying woman's clearer view of the supernatural world) had outed Charles as an angel and the son of one of the archangels. Charles had naturally meant to explain everything to Stacy as soon as they returned home, but they had both been to exhausted. Well, now seemed to be the time.
Charles turned to Stacy. The raven-haired, half-Cherokee woman stared thoughtfully out the window, clearly thinking about the same things as him. Charles cleared his throat. "So, about last night. Everything Death said was true. I really am the son of Michael the Archangel and Joan of Arc (also known in Heaven as General Parthenope). I'm an angel, and I was born in Heaven."
"So, his Christianity the true faith?" Stacy asked, terrified that she'd be sent to Hell for believing in things like reincarnation and spirit guides.
"Yes," Charles said, "but so are most of the others. Not Scientology though. That's just a scam. Different holy men received visions of different fragments of the truth. You need to piece them together to get the full picture. Jesus Christ really is a son of God (but so are others), and reincarnation is an actual thing. After all, some souls are still to corrupted to enter Heaven even after they've served their sentences in Hell, and many of the souls in Heaven eventually wish to return to Earth to continue doing good works for the living."
"So Hell is temporary?" Stacy smiled. "I always knew it would be!"
"It is," Charles said. "I mean, unless you're someone like King Herod or Adolf Hitler. Most souls spend some time there before going to Heaven. There are exceptions, of course. The Buddha and Saint Francis of Assisi are two good examples. The few sins they had were purified away by the blinding light of their holiness."
"What about Grandma?" Stacy asked.
"Death talked with God about it," said Charles. "God's going to waive the sentence she would have served in Hell (which would have only been three months of light domestic work, if you're curious) and let her directly into Heaven. Her sickness will vanish and she'll only look five or ten years older than you. You see, disease and old age only affect the mortal body, not the soul."
Stacy smiled, relieved to hear that her grandmother was happy and comfortable now. "So, what do you do in Heaven, Charles? Are you my guardian angel or something?"
"I'm actually a guard," Charles answered. "My dad Michael's the commander-in-chief of Heaven's armed forces, and Mom's one of his top generals, so a military career seemed natural. Dad and I both agreed that I should start at entry level as a regular guard just like anyone else and work my way up through the ranks. I'm honestly in no hurry to become a general. Too much politics."
"Why were you on Earth?" Stacy asked.
"I was lonely," Charles admitted. "Like many young angels, I came to Earth to look for a woman who might want to be my wife. Demons do that as well, you know. Remember Rachel and Maisy?"
"Yeah," Stacy said, fighting back tears. "Who could forget?"
"They aren't actually dead," Charles said with a smile. "Maisy's a demon, the daughter of Lucifer himself. She proposed to Rachel, and they faked their deaths so they could return to Hell for the wedding."
"Maisy's a demon?!" Stacy gasped, clutching at her Cherokee necklace. "But she seemed so nice!"
"Not all demons are evil," said Charles. "Dad's actually friends with Commander Baal, the leader of Hell's military. And most of the royal family are decent types. Except Lamashtu, of course. I met her once when Charon had a family reunion in Purgatory, and she was the biggest snob you could imagine. She's basically what you humans would call a Karen, only with even MORE racism."
"Charon? Lamashtu?" Stacy repeated, stunned.
"My cousins," Charles answered. "Since Lucifer is Michael's brother, his family is my family, too. That actually makes Maisy my cousin, come to think of it. Charon's interesting, because he's married to Princess Remeila Caelestis, one of the daughters of God, and they rule Purgatory (the in-between place) together. Their marriage is actually what restored peace to Heaven and Hell."
"Daughters of God?" Stacy smiled. "That would certainly shock some pastors!"
"Jesus is God's oldest son," Charles explained, "as well as one of only three who had already been born when the Bible was written, and nobody really likes to count Hermes and Jove. Hermes is a prankster who's never really applied himself, you see. As for Jove (better known to mythology buffs as Zeus or Jupiter), he's basically Heaven's Lamashtu."
Charles shuddered at the mention of Jove. "Be careful around Jove, sweetie. He's arrogant, lustful, envious, vengeful, sadistic, and generally unworthy of being a son of Jehovah. Some of the more brutal parts of the Old Testament were actually his doing. The bastard very nearly tricked Abraham into sacrificing his son Isaac to Heaven before God stepped in and stopped it. Dad thinks Jove was trying to snuff out the bloodline that would give rise to Jesus's human Incarnation. Jove's always been insanely jealous of Jesus. He also inspired the Roman emperors to persecute the early Christians."
"Remind me to stay far, far away from him," Stacy commented.
"You should," Charles nodded. "Especially since you're so beautiful. Jove is #MeToo's worst nightmare. He doesn't court humans like I'm doing. He kidnaps them! He has an entire harem of men and women he's stolen from Earth. It's disgusting! On a brighter note, Josh and Penny are alive as well."
"Really?" Stacy asked, perking up at the mention of her close friends. "Oh, of course, the whole firebombing must have been faked! So, are they angels or demons?"
"Angels," said Charles. "Penny is actually Penemue, one of God's daughters. She runs the Grand Library in Heaven."
"That figures," Stacy chuckled. "So, they're finally getting married? They both seemed like the marrying types."
"They are," said Charles. "Which reminds me..." He fished around in his pocket, pulling out a small box. To underscore the ipmortance of the moment, he transformed into his true shape. Four azure wings unfurled behind his back and an iridescent halo appeared over his head as he grew even taller than before. Charles flew over to Stacy and got down on one knee. "Stacy Hoffman, will you marry me?" He opened the box to reveal a golden ring studded with diamonds.
Stacy smiled. She never really saw why a ceremony and some legal paperwork made love any more valid than it was before, but she knew what this meant to Charles. "Yes! Of course I'll marry you!"
Charles caught the hippie girl in his arms and kissed her. "Thank you! I was terrified you'd say no. I forgot for a second, but a mortal who turns down an angel or demon's marriage proposal only has a week to live."
Stacy flinched. "Freaky."
Charles nodded. "Agreed." He then opened a portal. "Want to come see what Heaven's like?"