In the kitchen, Enoch made himself another coffee. "Tell me, Mr. Farnsworth," he said, "how long have you been down here?"
"I arrived the day I died," Nigel said. "January 1, 1983."
"Ah, New Year's," Enoch nodded. "The bane of alcoholics. Let's see... you've been in Hell for 40 years... your original sentence was set to 200 years..." Enoch quickly did the math in his head. "Aha! Nigel Farnsworth, I think you'll be happy to know that you only have to wait 160 years to go to Heaven!"
Nigel nearly fell out of his chair at the kitchen table. "But how?!"
"Because that little trap Beelzebub snuck into your sentence was blatantly unconstitutional," Enoch answered. "When the peace treaty was signed, God demanded several amendment to our constitution regarding the treatment of humans before He would recognize our sovereignty. The most famous one is that we can't directly tempt humans. We can give them what they ask of us (such as the secrets of witchcraft), but we can't seek them out and tempt them. A lesser-known one is that we can only punish them for sins committed during their mortal lives. Beelzebub tried to get around this by bundling posthumous punishments into the sentences for living crimes via a compounding model, but I caught on and had to reset a few million sentences... including yours."
"You mean I'll be able to see my wife again?" Nigel asked, tears of joy streaming down his mustached face. "She died in 2006, and I hear she was allowed into Heaven in 2011. I thought I might never see her again the way my sentence kept growing." His smile suddenly faded. "Then again, would she even want to see a wretched drunk like me?"
"We thought about that," Rachel grinned. "That's why we think there's a better place for you to spend those 160 years than Hell..." She glanced at Enoch. "Assuming your dad approved the program, that is."
"He did," Enoch said, matching Rachel's grin. "He said he thought it was a splendid idea, though the Senate might take some convincing. Nothing that I can't handle, though... especially since Lamashtu seems like she's decided to be slightly less of a hateful bitch than before."
"Well then," Rachel said to Nigel, "we've decided that you need treatment a lot more than punishment. You'll be transferred to Purgatory, where my soon-to-be brother-in-law Charon and his wife Remeila are setting up a therapy program to treat deceased souls who would have gone to Hell because of sins related to addictions or mental health issues. They'll help you break your dependency on alcohol and get you Heaven-ready."
"I can't believe it!" Nigel gasped, tears pouring down his face again. "Lady Tenebra, I can't even BEGIN to tell you how grateful I am! I was honestly beginning to lose hope."
"Well, I want to use my new power to make Hell a better place," Rachel smiled.
"I want to continue working for you and Maisy, even while I'm in Purgatory," Nigel said. He handed Rachel a small bell. "Whenever you need me, just ring this. As soon as I'm available, I'll appear in front of you."
"Thank you, Nigel," Rachel smiled. "The real reward if getting you out of here, of course."
"Well, now that that's settled, I need to fill you in on Loki," Enoch said.
"Remind me who that is, again?" asked Rachel.
"My brother," Enoch explained. "Soon to be your brother-in-law. He's an incorrigible prankster, but he never let that stop him from being a damn good spymaster to Dad. Unfortunately, the conspiracy managed to massacre his entire spy network last evening. Worse, Loki went missing himself. Even worse, Loki's eight months pregnant. Alecto and Loki's husband Svadilfari fear the worst. They reported the situation to me and Dad, and not a minute later, Lamashtu stormed in screaming about her harem being stolen by some kind of sorcerer or witch. Dad left so Lamashtu and I could talk out some issues, and then as we walked out..."
"Yeah?" Rachel prompted.
"Thirty Iron Knight souls portalled into the palace and tried to fucking massacre us!" Enoch thundered. "The bastards shot Lamashtu in the thigh, and they nearly ran me through. I'd be dead right now if Lord Nergal hadn't showed up with reinforcements. Weird, I'd always assumed he was a traitor. Guess I jumped to emotion-fueled conclusions again like I did in the wake of the siege. Anyway, We went straight to Loki's palace in Muspellheim and gathered the kids. We also swung by Lamashtu's palace in Irkalla and sent Hecate and her kids to stay with Mom. The Queen of Hell should be able to keep them safe... assuming Pazuzu doesn't sneak out or something. You know teens."
"Whew!" Rachel sighed. "You've had quite the busy day!"
"And I'll have an even busier one tomorrow," Enoch said darkly. "Alecto and Svadilfari want to form a search party with me. Even Lamashtu wants to come. She swears Hecate can heal the leg wounds by then. Problem is, we have no fucking clue where to start looking! We don't even know what circle the kidnapped demons are in. Fuck, they could be on Earth for all I know! And they might be..." He tried not to finish that bleak thought. His brother HAD to still be alive!
"You'll save your brother," Rachel said, taking Enoch's muscular hand in her own slender fingers. "I know it."