“I’m not helping you find them.” Brian said defiantly.
Clare had been browsing through the clothing aisle for a few minutes without much luck and Brian was doing his best to be unhelpful. “Well at least tell me what we’re looking for!”
“Ugh, t-pants…” He whispered uncomfortably. “Jesus…”
Claire had no idea what those were until she saw a group of teen boys walk by wearing skin-tight plastic pants that looked like shiny tights that made faint squishy squeaking sounds as they walked past.
*Woah*, she thought to herself. They were extremely unflattering in the way they accentuated every curve of the boys’ legs. There was a definite bulge in the crotch area, but there seemed to be a small cup or codpiece inside for modesty.
“Hey, welcome to Zoomies.” A chill, deep voice with a laid-back vibe said from behind. “Can I help you find anything today?”
“Oh, yeah, thanks.” Clair said with relief as she turned around. “We’re looking for some t-pants for my little br-.”
She had to pause for a second to choke back a giggle fit when she finally laid eyes on the store associate. From the waist up he looked completely normal and handsome, but below the waist, his muscular legs were splayed out comically revealing his entire lower body which was completely covered in tight plastic. Even his feet were shrink-wrapped in a tight, plastic glaze that displayed each of his individually wrapped toes to the world. Besides the unusual plastic coating, his feet were shod only in a standard pair of flip flops.
Meanwhile, Brian was looking like he was lost in a dream. He was staring at a twelve year old girl on the other side of the store who was looking at a skimpy pair of bedazzled jean shorts.
*Chirp Chirp*
“Brian!” Clair whispered harshly.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to!”
“Oh, hey… No worries, little cricket.” The surfer dude said. “We’ll get you into a pair of teffies right away, no problem.”
“Ugh!” Brian shuddered, looking mortified with a beat-red face. *chrp*
The dude led them to a small back corner of the shop that had two large racks of what looked like thick plastic overalls.
“Here we are.” The dude said with a little gesture toward the racks. “All of our junior locking t-pants are made with the very best teflon in the industry and come in 14 color options with our proprietary ankleband personalization system which lets YOU choose any of over 150 different ankle prints for one or both ankles. Personally, I go for the tribal tattoo print.”
Everyone looked down to his ankles which he jiggled proudly and which were indeed covered in black tattoo patterns.
“Each pair also comes with an integratable set of t-socks with independent toe compartments to ensure even the hairiest toes stay whisper quiet.”
He twiddled his toes around in his sandals to prove the point.
“I don’t need that.” Brian said indignantly. “I don’t have hairy toes.”
“I hear ya, sperm bug… but like I said, they’re complimentary. Use ‘em if you need ‘em… Although I’d definitely hold on to ‘em in your case. You gotta expect to need ‘em just around the corner when you’re an early bloomer...”
Brian looked down at his shoes and cringed.
“Anyway, feel free to browse through the options, and if you see a pair you like, just lemme know. I can get you kitted out with a trial model before sealing you into the real thing...”
Brian quickly clawed through one of the racks with a depressed look on his face. If he showed up to school in t-pants, it would literally be social suicide, unless he could hide them somehow…
“You know what? I don’t care which one I have to wear. I’m just going to wear them under a pair of jeans anyway.”
“Nice… Classic idea, Scro.” The dude said. “Pretty much everybody tries that at first, but trust me, it’s not gonna work long-term. It’s too dang HOT! For serious. With the leg hair and the teflon and a pair of jeans on top, you’re gonna be burning up for real! And, Bro, everyone can still hear it squeak when you walk, jeans or not… Just be cool about it... Everyone’s gonna be supper jelly when they see your teffies. I mean, when you’re the first one in your class to get teffies, you’re like an instant legend. If they tease you about that, they’re just jealous of how manly you are, so it doesn’t matter if they call you names and shit. Heck, I called you little cricket and that was cool, right?”
“I didn’t like that…”
“Oh, hey, I’m sorry, Bro. I was just bustin’ your balls. Lemme pick you out a killer pair of teffies and then I’ll help you get all sealed in, what do you say?”
Brian glanced over at Claire and decided there was no getting out of this. Then he just hung his head and nodded weakly.
“Hey” The dude said to Claire, “you can meet us over at fitting room three in like five. No worries. I’ll take good care of the little chirper.”