Days later, two men in crisp blue uniforms entered Damon's locked home. Their pristine badges clearly read "Costa Caballo Police Department." They went through all the rooms and could not find anyone inside. The only human-shaped object they found was a life-size statue, grimacing as though in torment, positioned as though it were reaching for a small metallic lamp. One of the officers reached out for the lamp and idly traced his finger across it.
"What're ya doing with yer grimy fingerz on that evidence, Bennett? If that Damon feller ain't here, this could be a fuckin' crime scene!" shouted his partner.
"Yeah, yeah, I know. Hey! What the fudgesickles is this?!"
Officer Bennett was stumbling back and nearly tumbled right over his partner. A large cloud of multicolored smoke was billowing out of the lamp and slowly forming into what appeared to be a person.
"I am the genie of the lamp! Oh, new masters already? But in my old master's apartment? Have you come to pillage his residence now that he is stone?"
The two uniformed figures looked at each other in complete confusion. They finally decided that the older one should speak.
"Um, we're local police officers, ma'am. I'm Officer Mallard and this is my patrol partner, Officer Bennett. We were asked to do a wellness check on the man who supposedly lives here, Damon they say. Supposedly his acquaintances haven't heard from him for a few days. You said something about someone gettin' stoned? Damon wouldn't have happened to have got himself mixed up in some kinda business with illegal sometimes, would he?"
The genie tilted her head to one side. "I have spent most of the last millennium in a magic lamp. I know not what strange substances might be forbidden in this far off age. But what have such matters to do with stone? The man you see here wished to be stoned, and I have stoned him. This statue of him will last far longer than his frail human organs would have endured."
"Are you sayin' this statue is Damon?" asked Officer Mallard. The genie answered: "Indeed. I suppose he has forfeited his other to wishes. How may I serve you two today, since you have summoned me again from my lamp? Your wishes are three. No love, no killing, and no resurrection."
"Um, gimme a minute to talk with my partner. I'm gonna ask you to stay where are you, young lady."
Officer Mallard led the way into Damon's bedroom where he thought they could speak in private. "Do you believe 'er?" he asked Bennett as soon as they had closed the door.
"Do I believe her? You were there! She just came right out of the lamp like a genie on TV! Don't you believe her? Who is going to believe us that the person we came to check on is a statue because of a magic lady?"
Mallard thought for a moment. He rubbed his chin, snapped his fingers, and pointed at his partner. "If we play our cards right, Bennett, we ain't gonna have to tell nobody anything except Damon is okay. And we get a wish each from a genie afterwards."
"What are you saying, Mallard?"
"I'm saying, that if the genie turned that man into a statue then she don't consider 'im dead. That means if we wish 'im back to a human then that won't break the rules of 'er wishes. But he'll want that lamp back if we do. I say, let's take it for ourselves but at least turn Damon back to normal. Cuz I think he wanted drugs and not to be a slab o' rock."
They put their plan into action rather quickly. Bennett told the genie to turn Damon back into a human, and specifically that she would do it after Mallard had left with her and her lamp and taken them back to the patrol car. It worked like a charm! Mallard, the lamp, and the genie were out of the apartment when the statue began to soften. Damon blinked and found that he could see again for the first time since he made his poorly conceived wish. Bennett explained that they had come to do a wellness check and had found him "asleep" and asked why no one had heard from him.
"Why has nobody heard from me? It was her! It was the genie! Where is she?" he shouted. Bennett look confused. The poker face worked. Damon thought that Bennett didn't understand what he meant and considered that maybe the officer would consider him a crazy man if he mentioned turning to stone. Damon said everything was fine and that nobody had heard from him because he was depressed and angry about his breakup with Monica. Bennett said that was fine and that he could call them if he needed any assistance. The officer closed the door on his way out, and Damon was left with his memories of finding a genie and being turned to stone. He wondered whether he had indeed imagined the whole thing. Little did he know that officers Mallard and Bennett were high-fiving each other in the patrol car for having found themselves a genie who would grant them two more wishes.