5 beers and 1.5 cigars later it dawned on you that you shouldn't be this way. You are 16, not 36... somethings, off... probably. You were having a great night with your... family member, who you loved deeply... that's enough right?
The next morning you awoke and grabbed your phone and cigarettes, getting the coffee pot brewing as you pulled on a t-shirt and stepped outside in your pjs, lighting a cigarette... deep within your being something screamed that this isnt you, but something else said, this is your life...
You scratched your chest and then your growing beard, taking a moment to really massage all the hairs as you took a deep drag... it felt pristine as you took in the dawn... birds were chirping and squirrels were chasing tail... life is amazing and beautiful.
10 minutes or so later your older brother came out with a cup of coffee for himself and you.... you smiled and thanked him, both admiring the beauty of nature before the day shattered it all to pieces, "I always try to appreciate this but it always seemed to get away from me, until just recently." your brother said... some vague thought of you being a rebellious teenager and your older brother being your father came to mind... you looked at your arm and the tattoos you acquired over the years... 'that can't, I wouldn't...' you shook the thoughts from your head and scratched your beard nervously...
Something about awareness settings made you feel funny and you really wanted to check the family computer... God you could really use a beer it wasn't even 7am though... something was weirding you out but everything was normal wasn't it? Yeah! Of course it was! You had a decent job at the local mechanics. You are living with your brother, you're 27, and despite your baby face, don't get carded less often than your brother who is a whole decade older than you and starting to gray! It's a point of pride.... right? You place your hand on your lean belly, devoid of any midlife pudge and things seem to ripple around you, only coming into focus as you fixate on them.
"You're my brother right?" the word fall from your lips before you realize what youre actually saying...
"Always and forever." he responds, but you notice the confusion that fogs his mind a second later.
You take another drag off your cigarette, "I love you..." you mention casually but with ease despite your confusion... that seams easy... true... regardless of what reality is real.
"I love you too." he replies without hesitation, instinctually and devoid of any thought.
You smile and shoot him a sideways glance, that can only be shared between the two of you given your history... 'What's really happening?' you wonder feeling disconnected from a second ago, you take a drag off your cigarette and wish it were a cigar... something happened, what did I miss?