"Hey, everyone, it's Harvey Mainz with some sports news. A lot of people have been wondering why Animalians aren't on professional sports teams. And there are a lot of good answers for that. For one thing, we're just too strong and fast to fairly compete with most humans."
"Also, there's the matter of equipment," said Eliza Doolittle, "Just like how the military would have to make cost-ineffective changes just to have Animalians use customized uniforms, weapons, and vehicles... Well, professional sports teams would have to shell out a lot less in comparison, but it would be enough to really cut into the budget."
"Most specifically, the way Animalians tend to break things by accident," said Fred Stairs, "For one thing, it's pretty easy for claws to puncture balls. Right, Harvey?"
"Sad but true," agreed Harvey.
"And those are probably the least expensive things they could damage. Quite often, an Animalian's muscles works against their advantage," said Fred, "For instance, the Chicago Bulls attempted to put together a squad of bulls. Not necessarily for official games, but publicity events. And, well, I think the clips speak for themselves.
Here, several clips of bull Animalians playing basketball with each other were shown. They had rubber shoes for their hooves, which at least kept the court from being scratched up. However, it was hardly safe from them. Several times, the bulls have jumped, slipped, or were pushed out of bounds, usually smashing any benches or chairs that were there. The sound of breaking dishes had been added to these clips, obviously to bring to mind the proverbial china shop. The biggest smash was when one of the bulls did a slam dunk. The edited smashing was added on top of the hoop and backboard breaking under the bull's weight and crashing to the floor. Fortunately, the bull didn't get anything worse than a few small cuts, but it was clear that the game was definitely over. (Ahchoo: Man, white men can't jump.)
It then cut back to the wincing news crew. "Yeah, as you can see, Animalians won't be joining the NBA anytime soon," said Harvey, "Not unless they find better Animalians to play than bulls."
"What about giraffes?" asked Eliza, "Giraffes would have a lot more grace in that game."
"Yeah, if they fall, they hit a lot more stuff," said Fred.
"Anyways, Animalia's real first professional game will be football," said Harvey, "Though it'll probably be a lot closer to rugby in terms of actual play."
"The difference being?" asked Eliza.
"American football is more strategy-based," said Fred, "Rugby is more free-flow."
"It'll be rougher, but fortunately Animalians can handle some rough play," said Harvey. (Yakko: Goodnight, everybody!)
"And of course, what good is a football game without cheerleaders?" asked Fred.
"Yes, since Animalia has a football team, it's only fair that it has a pep squad too," said Eliza. Here, the screen split to show Audrey, who was wearing a very flattering cheerleader outfit. "So, Audrey, how is the cheer squad shaping up?"
"It's going great," said Audrey, "And we hope to expand into the professional field of cheerleading after this big game. Maybe not all Animalians can be on the field, but we can be on the side provide uplifting support."
"Ok, but do you have actually have your routine coordinated?" asked Eliza.
"There's still improvements to be made. Mostly seeing how long we can hold each other up," said Audrey, "But we should be ready in time for the big game."
"Of course, that won't be until around March or April, depending on how long it takes for spring to warm up," said Harvey, "But we have something that'll be happening much sooner: the Year of the Dragon Competition starting February 10.
"Of course, people question how we can do dragons," said Fred, "Well, dragons are practically dinosaurs." (Dojo: I beg your pardon! That's like me saying you're practically a monkey!) "Of course, there's also plenty of argument that dinosaurs don't meet all the qualifications of dragons." (Grunkle Stan: Dinosaurs aren't magic, they're just big lizards. Get off my back!)
"So in fairness, there will be other competitors besides Dinotopians," said Eliza, "Of course, there are Komodo dragons and crocodiles, and a few other lizard species that include 'dragon' in their name. There will also be at least one seahorse representative to coincide with the Asian association between dragons and seahorses. Though some contestants will probably be lasting longer in the competition than others."
"Though we've still got to get through the rest of December and January before that," said Harvey, "I'm sure everyone's going to be training hard for them. We'll bring you more news about that after Christmas. Until then, happy holidays and we'll see you in the wilds of Animalia."