Today after classes, Hana and I took the bus to return home, and I dropped directly at Hana’s stop. We have been doing this for months, and my family already knew that I was going to spend the weekend at Hana’s house to celebrate the beginning of winter vacations, they had nothing to worry about.
“How are you feeling?” I asked Hana worriedly
“Not too bad” Hana responded with a tired smile, she is already in her bed under the blankets. “It’s similar to a stomach ache but not the same, I feel like the area below my navel is throbbing and hurts a little”
“That doesn’t sound fun” I said worriedly
“It is not” she says while putting a deadpan face, but immediately her expression transforms into a smile “But my mom told me that warm temperatures can help with period cramp”
“Do you want me to bring you a warm water bag?” After months of coming to Hana’s house I have a good idea of where everything is; the water bag is in the same closet where the first aid kit is
“It’s fine, you alone are enough!” she says and raises the quilt to invite me to cuddle inside.
I take off my shoes and accept her invitation by hugging her
“Dahlia, you are very warm, I love it” Hana chirps
“You say that now, but let's wait until summer to see if you say the same.” I retort. My unusually warm and comfortable body temperature has been pointed out to me by my family plenty of times; It seems that in this body I am just a little warmer than most other people, and that makes me pretty huggable during winter. When Hana discovered that little detail about me…well, let's say that my daily amount of cuddling has been increasing the colder it gets
Both Hana and I shuffle to find a position where we are both comfortable, but after sensing Hana pushing her stomach against mine a few times I become confused
“What are you doing?” I finally ask
“You are going to be my warm bag replacement, remember? Let’s press our tummies together, I think the pain gets better that way”
I feel her hand raising her shirt and exposing her belly. I am skeptical if this will really help her; nonetheless, I still imitate her and expose my belly and press it against hers. By the chill I feel when our exposed bodies touch, I understand the Hana was not just messing around, there are only a few streets between her house and the bus stop, but she was probably freezing on her way home
We stay cuddling under the blankets in silence, sharing body heat and listening to each other heartbeat for a while without saying anything
Since the time Hana and I performed our mutual exploration, personal boundaries between us have shrunk to almost nothing, but neither of us has taken the last step and done something blatantly sexual in nature. Even now, I am not sure if Hana wants me as a girlfriend or if she just was just feeling curious that day and didn’t mind the intimacy with a close friend.
“Hey Dahlia” Hana suddenly breaks the silence in a small voice, “thank you for helping me in the bathroom with my period, I really don’t know what I would have done there without you”
“Don’t mention it, today you, tomorrow me, right?”
“Alright, I will remember it when your turn comes.” She says with a mischievous smile. I just hope is that time is not too soon
“It's weird to think about it.” Hana continues. “The fact that I will have to deal with this every month and… that now I can have babies if I want”
Hearing Hana’s words makes me feel a little anxious and I feel a tingling in my stomach. Pregnancy and motherhood is something that I contemplate from time to time. When I was a man, creating a family just meant planting a seed in my partner during sex, but now that I am the opposite gender, creating a family meant getting pumped with semen and experiencing the growth of a new life in my belly. It makes me feel nervous, but at the same time there is a more primal part of myself that makes me feel aroused by it and sometimes I catch myself fantasizing how it would be to have a bun in the oven.
Of course, when I was a man sometimes I had fantasies about making the girl I liked pregnant as well, but reason and common sense stops me from following my more base impulses. In the past, I definitely didn’t want to become a father while in highschool; now, the idea of getting knocked up before finishing my basic education seemed like a recipe for disaster.
I contemplated for a moment and finally asked. “Do you want to?”
“Huh?”
“Having a baby, I mean”
Hana's face starts to become red but she nonetheless responds in a small voice “Obviously, not right now…but in the future…I would like to. Actually, maybe… I would like a big family if possible.
This really surprised me and I couldn’t help but ask “Is there any reason why?”
Hana took her time to think, but she gave her answer after a moment. “I love my family a lot but I have always thought that it felt a little empty with just three people. In the past, I would look at other families, see siblings playing together and feel a little jealous. However, when I finally asked my mother to give me a little brother or sister, she revealed that she and my dad were trying to have another baby after me, but even after years they could not. I guess that I just think that if I have the chance I would like to have a big and happy family to make up for it”
“Mmm, that makes sense, I guess… by the way, do you know where babies come from?” I ask hesitantly
“Of course when a boy and a girl fall in love and sleep in the same bed, the stork gives them a baby the next day” she replies innocently.
Surprised, I look directly at Hana’s eyes, but after a pregnant pause she burst out of laughter.
“Of course I know about the birds and the bees, I am not a little kid.” she says giggling
The conversation pauses for a moment but I build up courage to ask my next question, the one I really wanted to ask. “So…Hana, do you like boys?”
My friend looks at my face and I think she understands where the conversation is going. She opens her mouth and…