Even though she didn’t say anything about what you had on, you still felt as if you’d been caught doing something wrong. Replying, “Okay. Be down soon,” you waited until you heard her going back downstairs before you leapt up. Knocking over the plush in the process, you chastised yourself with, “How could you be stupid,” and, “What were you thinking,” as you took off the costume, tossed it in the hamper in the closet and redressed as fast as you could.
Afterward, not sure why you did it, but feeling it should be done, you apologised to the plush toys for knocking them over, scooped them up, and set them on the bed. Keep the plush doggy with you, you head downstairs. Entering the kitchen, worried Julie would say something about the ballet costume, you were caught off guard when what she said, “You could’ve kept the outfit on if you wanted. Jessica and Lynn often do.” Sitting, down, you shook your head and answered, “I hafta find mommy and daddy after lunch,” as if this explained everything
Julie didn’t respond anything to this, and not sure if you dodged being caught doing something wrong or not, you turn your attention to the lunch she fixed. As you set the toy you brought with on the same empty chair as before, Julie commented, “I wanted to point out something,” and sure now she’d now say something about the costume, you were again surprised when she didn’t and instead took a moment to explain why girls didn’t usually sit with their legs spread.
Never had you given any thought to it before, nor had any reason to. Having always taken for granted how you sat, you could see her point as you though back to the dress you’d borrowed and how the way you’d sat left a clear view up it. Self-consciously adjusting the way you were sitting, even though you really didn’t need to, you felt what she said was all the more reason why you needed to find the well. Nodding when Julie was finished, you replied, “I’m sorry,” to which she smiled and told you there wasn’t any need for you to apologise, you ought to remember what she said in the future, and finishing with “If you wear a dress again before you find the well,” before leaving you to eat lunch.
When you were done, Julie rinsed the plate and left it in the sink to be washed later. Seeing the time was almost one, you said, “I’m gonna bike over to my place, if it’s all right.”
“Remember what mom said,” Julie replied, which left wondering how you’d get over to your place, to which the teenage girl supplied, “We’ll take my dad’s car. I could use the driving practice. And so long as we’re back in time, and I put gas in it, there should be no problem.”
Upon hearing this, you wonder why Julie hadn’t made the suggestion to do this yesterday, but figured it was probably because her mommy and daddy had been using both cars yesterday. Collecting the shoes you’d been wearing as you worked this out, you started to put them on, but stopped when Julie handed you a pair of sandals. Telling you as you took them, “Finally found them,” she then said, “Also found these,” as she directed your attention to the swimsuit and dress you’d borrowed Friday.
“Where were they,” you enquire as you slip the sandals on, which turn out to be too big.
Julie, seeing this, sighs and figures if you were going to continue living with them, you’d need decent shoes, as Lynn’s shoes were too big, whilst Jessica’s were too small. Making a mental note to tell her mother about this, she explained, “Found them in the laundry room. Mom must have taken them off the table, guessed they were dirty, and put them through the washer and dryer yesterday,” as she handed the things to you.
“Need to return them also,” you replied as you took the stuff, and with a nod of agreement, Julie led the way out into the garage, where she helped you get buckled in the booster in the back seat.
After she’d back the car out and closed the garage door, Julie made the first your place. There, you were disappointed, yet not surprised to see nobody was home. Wanting some time to yourself, you asked Julie if she minded waiting outside. When she said she meet you out in the car, you took to wandering the house. Stopping to look at pictures of your male self, those of your family, as well as those of your sister, you paused after some time to really take a look at the pictures of you. Studying the images of birthdays, holidays, vacations spent with you and your parents and, later, the whole family, Catherine included, events at school and at church, among what seemed like hundreds of other scenes, after a bit it came to you how you knew the boy in the pictures, had all their memories, thought like they did, yet, at the same time, they were a complete stranger to you.
Scared by such a realisation, it hits you hard when, despite having only spent two days as a girl, the person you saw when you looked down at yourself now, who you saw when you gazed into any mirror, they were more familiar to you now than the boy pictured doing any number of things, some by himself, others with his family or friends.
“What is wrong wit’ me,” you asked yourself as you attempted to reassure yourself the person you were seeing was you, but found no comfort in such thoughts and turning away, thinking to go to your room, you instead peered at the other pictures.
Images of your sister and your mommy caught your attention, and you took a moment to study them. Drawn to the ones showing mommy next to her sister when they were younger, you can’t help yourself as you think how much, yeah, you now look like Catherine, but the resemblance was closer to mommy when she was about the age you are now was stronger, with the most striking resemblance was between how you were now and mommy’s sister, Aunt Bianca. Thinking of your auburn hair, how mommy and Catherine’s was a shade lighter, your blue-grey eyes, similar to those mommy and Catherine had, though your sister’s eyes were a shade bluer, whilst mommy’s where a little bit more grey, you take in how Aunt Bianca’s hair and eyes were closer to being the same as yours. Feeling unsure as to why you looked so much like mommy sister when she’d been younger, your mind flashed to how, when you were male, you kind of looked like Great-Uncle Paul on your father’s side, leading to wonder aloud, “Is it the same thing in sum way?”
Not sure about any of this, you took another look at the pictures, noted how strange it was to see captured the different phases in your life, such as your interest in cowboys, stockcars, wrestlers, and astronauts and space, among others. Finding now the only one which was relatable was your interest in space-travel and astronauts and space ships and science fiction and such, you closed the photo albums and headed for your bedroom.
Inside, you wrinkled your nose. Smelling the strong odour of a teenage boy, seeing all the stuff you identified with when you had been one, you considered opening the window, and instead wandered. Picking up, looking at things, even at one time sitting on the bed, you were put-off by how everything felt so alien, you questioned your taste in it, or was outright repulsed and was unable to help yourself as you thought, “Only an icky boy would like this,” and trying to again tell yourself you were a boy, the boy who’s room this was yours, you only found yourself feeling disconnected from it all and like a stranger going through someone else’s life.
Outside your room, you glance in the direction of Catherine’s room. Never once had you any inclination to go in, and now, reasoning if you were a girl, it might be okay, you knocked on the bedroom door. Receiving no answer, not as if you expected any, you pushed open the door and walked in. Stopping a couple feet in, you look about the twelve-year-old girl’s room, taking in the bright colours, the feminine touches, the motifs you would have thought girly when you were male, and now, you were shocked by how right it felt to be surrounded by such things. Conflicted by the posters of guys, most wearing only jeans and an open button-up, their bodies muscular and gleaming with sweat, you sit down on your sister’s bed, and asked yourself, “Are all girls’ bed so soft? And if so, why?” as you sank an inch or two down on the top mattress and ran a hand over the soft, sky-blue, cotton comforter, taking in the rainbows and brightly coloured butterflies and flowers printed on it as you did.
With a reminder of who and what you were, you stood. Taking another glance about Catherine’s bedroom, noting how a shelf had been decorated with some of the dolls she used to play with, yet at same time seeing little to no other indication of the little girl she had been, as mostly everything told of girl on the cusp of being a teenager, you exited the room. Wandering back through the house, you felt low about everything you’d experienced. Searching for any sign your parents had missed you, were concerned about you, you weren’t to astonished to find nothing. Considering what you could do, wanting more than anything to go back to the way it had been before, you were overcome with a sensation of such a thing not being possibly. Heaving a sigh, you exited the house through the garage, make sure the doors were locked, and head back to the car. Climbing in, you don’t say anything when Julie inquired, “Everything all right,” and instead, you focused on getting yourself buckled into the booster seat, something which further upset you when you had to ask Julie for help.
Afterward, you stared out the window and let your mind wander. When you became aware Julie was waiting for you to say something, you wonder what you could say. Everything you’d seen and felt inside crowding inside your mind, demanding attention, in the end you mumbled, “Guess I’ll try back later.”
Julie could tell something was bothering you, but not wanting to push, she instead nodded and settled for posing the question, “Shall we try and find were you borrowed the clothes from?”
You nod in agreement, though you’re not really feeling like doing anything but going back to the Griffiths’ place, taking the plush you’d been sleeping with, laying down, and having a nap. Julie putting the car in drive, she instructed you, “Let me know if you see any place familiar as she headed down the street.
For the next couple hours, the two of you drove around. Following both streets and alleyways, you started at the park nearest yours and Julie’s place, and attempted to retrace your steps. Nothing making sense from where you were sitting, you thought you might have to get out and try to walk, but didn’t believe this would do any good, as you hadn’t been paying much attention to where you were going. Stopping, you and Julie discussed your options, and after a bit, you offered, “I wanna go home. See if mommy and daddy are back.”
She could see the two of you weren’t getting anywhere in your search. Thinking over how the two of you could proceed next, Julie listened to what you said, checked the clock, which said it was little past three, and nodding, she drove back over to your place. As you went to see if anyone was home, Julie thought about the situation, and when you returned, looking dejected, she proposed, “Why don’t we try backtracking from where I ran into you?”
A simple nod at this, and the two of you resumed your hunt for where you got the dress and swimsuit. Hours later, pulling in the driveway at Griffiths’ place, the morose feeling which had been settling over you worse than ever, you didn’t say anything when Julie helped you out of the car. Seeing her parents were home, you took the garments from Julie and headed inside. Greeted by Mrs Griffiths, who asked you and Julie if you’d had any luck, you shook your head and replied, “No, ma’am,” and as Julie filled in her mom on the day’s events, you took the dress and swimsuit upstairs to the guest room. Having no idea what else to do with them, you set the articles of clothing with the rest of the stuff bought for you, picked up the plush puppy, and for the first time in you didn’t know how long, you stuck your thumb in your mouth. Sucking it, everything you discovered during the afternoon eating at you, you lay down on the bed. Closing your eyes, you were soon asleep and remained so until Mrs Griffiths came up an hour later to get you for dinner.