After dinner, Jesse dragged himself back to his room. He longed to escape into a world of video games, like he used to when he needed to unwind. But stepping into his room now, it was a far cry from the sanctuary it once was. No video games, no familiar clutter, just a neatly arranged, more feminine version of the space he used to call his own. He was alone with his thoughts, having no idea what this version of “Jess” did to pass the time.
Sighing, he flopped onto the bed and pulled out his phone, hoping for some distraction. The screen lit up with notifications, each one pulling him back into this strange new life he was trying to navigate. First up, a message from Sam.
How’d the cheer session go with Vanessa?
Jesse stared at the message for a moment, his mind drifting back to the awkwardness of earlier. He didn’t have the energy to unpack it all, so he kept it vague. It went fine, nothing crazy, he typed, hoping that would be enough to end the conversation.
He moved on to the next notification, a Snapchat from Caylee. The snap showed him in a dressing room, trying on a tight-fitting crop top, his caption reading, Thoughts? Jesse wracked his brain, trying to think of how a girl in his old world would respond. He quickly typed out something light and playful. Omg love it! So cute!! The words felt strange coming from his fingers, but he hit send before he could second-guess himself.
Next up, Abby had forwarded him a TikTok, some cringey makeup video that was supposed to be funny and relatable. Jesse watched it with mild confusion, not really getting the humor. In his old life, stuff like this wouldn’t have even shown up on his feed. But he had to keep up appearances. He sent a few laughing emojis in response, hoping it was enough to seem engaged.
Then, a Snapchat from Maddie: a selfie with a few other volleyball players, all grinning after their apparent win at an away game. The caption read, Got that dub. Jesse opened the chat to respond and soon realized their chat history was completely blank. This version of “Jess” had apparently rarely ever talked to Maddie. He hesitated for a moment, then typed out a congratulatory reply, trying to sound as bubbly as possible. Congrats on the win!! Proud of you boys 😘 The exaggerated enthusiasm felt off, but he sent it anyway.
Jesse scrolled further through Snapchat, seeing a quick-add suggestion pop up for Emily, considering he recently added his number. Jesse sent a friend request without thinking too much about it. Meanwhile, Maddie had responded quickly to his earlier message. Thanks!! You should come to our games sometime!!
Jesse, desperate to connect with any type of boy who played sports, even if it was volleyball, responded back. Definitely! Next home game, I promise. Maddie quickly responded back with a heart emoji.
A notification popped up soon after: Emily had added him back. He instantly spotted something on his story, so he clicked on it. Emily’s story had a selfie of him holding a fluffy white cat. Jesse hesitated, debating whether to comment, but realized he needed to warm up to Emily considering how guarded he had seemed from their earlier conversations. He crafted a message: Aww, you're both cute. It felt forced, but he was trying to be friendly, hoping to connect with another boy who was into video games.
Emily also responded soon after: Thanks…
Jesse could feel Emily was still wary, suspicious. He decided not to push it, letting the conversation drop before it got awkward. He'd have to get Emily to warm up to him over time.
Jesse set his phone down, drained from the effort of juggling the endless stream of notifications. His inbox still buzzed with unread messages, but he couldn’t bring himself to keep up anymore. In his old life, social media was an afterthought, something he barely checked, let alone felt pressured to stay on top of. His guy friends were the same, keeping texts short and sporadic. But here, it was as if every boy he knew was constantly pinging him, flooding his feed with selfies, memes, and life updates. It was overwhelming, and he couldn’t help but feel like he was drowning in a sea of constant digital noise.
He sat up, glancing around his room, trying to decide what to do next. He thought about heading downstairs to watch TV, but the idea of being around his parents made him hesitate. He wasn’t quite ready for casual chit-chat or playing the role of the cheerful son they seemed to know.
His gaze wandered over to his backpack slouched against the wall, and he suddenly remembered the pile of homework he had neglected. With a reluctant sigh, he dragged himself over to it, pulling out a stack of books and worksheets. At least schoolwork was straightforward, something that didn’t require him to fake emotions or figure out what “Jess” would say.
Slumping down at his desk, he flipped open his math textbook, grabbing a pencil as he started on the first problem. The familiarity of equations and formulas was almost soothing, a distraction from the swirling thoughts he couldn’t quite shake. For a while, he was able to lose himself in the monotony of it, the numbers grounding him in something simple and routine. His hand moved across the page automatically, scribbling down solutions as time slipped away.
By the time he glanced up, his room was nearly engulfed in shadows, the sun having dipped below the horizon. Jesse rubbed his tired eyes, realizing how dark it had gotten, and reached over to flick on the desk lamp. The sudden burst of light filled the room, chasing away the gloom.
He stretched, groaning slightly as he stood up and walked back to his bed. Flopping down on the mattress, he picked up his phone again, staring at the glowing screen. More messages had piled up in the past hour, and he sighed, scrolling through them. He forced himself to respond, trying to sound like the “Jess” they all knew. He threw in a few emojis, tried to be bubbly and animated, responding as best as he could to match the tone of his earlier replies. As he typed out the last response, he wondered if anyone would ever notice how forced it all felt, or if he’d keep on pretending until he forgot what felt real.