Jennifer started to worry how being rude to her father might have been the most stupidest idea she ever had. She was now a sixth grader and seeing herself in a mirror already made her wary of her actions. The reflection screamed desperation, apathy and depression in the same frame. It was as if Jennifer didn’t care what she looked like. Her long hair and dark eye patches made her look unwanted and abandoned. Jennifer approached closer to the mirror and saw her red eyes that had shed it’s tears this morning. She had been crying by herself. All alone in this room.
Jennifer’s new father lacked the motherly care and had more direct approach to Jennifer’s worries. She had no idea what type of approach her father was using but whatever it was it didn’t work. Jennifer had let herself go and had grown her hair past her shoulders. It was thankfully brushed and it look washed but it also screamed broken family dynamic. For a sixth grader with this long hair and so many dark shaded clothes looked depressing.
It was obvious from her room’s aesthetic that she had a lot of emotional moments as her music taste had become more somber and melancholic. Everything from Jennifer’s clothes to things she owned were tinted in black, dark blue and/or purple colors. Jennifer’s lack of light pastel color scheme reflected her inner mood like a child who had no idea what to do in her life. Jennifer owned a lot of “stuff” but all of them felt more surface level interests as it seemed that Jennifer had no hobbies. It was like Jennifer’s father had introduced her something and she had tried it for a week until Jennifer’s lack of interest kicked in and it was something else on the next week. Like a conveyor belt of new hobbies that never stuck with her as a real hobby.
Only the moody music and taste in bands had stayed the same. Jennifer’s taste had also introduced her a new type of taste which was sweet and sour rock hard candies. On Jennifer’s nightstand she spotted a bag full of them and saw the salty and lemony coating on every one of them. It was a total opposite of her own taste in everything. Jennifer liked sweet and moody music but this much felt too much. It was like her whole life was like that. Reflected on that candy bag with all those candies. Jennifer popped one in her mouth and felt nothing. The sour taste of lemon and salt was there but Jennifer’s felt nothing.
Jennifer’s lack of her own expression surprised her. Jennifer kept sucking the hard candy in her mouth and the powder the candy had inside it gave a small reaction. It felt as if she had licked an actual lemon.
Jennifer sat back on her bed frame and couldn’t process the new feelings she had inside her. They felt mellow and as if something was constantly dragging her to go to bed. Her 18-year-old brain was getting mentally exhausted about everything as it felt like her situation was affecting her thinking but couldn’t suppress what she was feeling herself. It was an odd sensation through out her own body.
Feeling drowsy despite being sleepy and not knowing what to do while still having clear picture what she wanted to do. It was like an heavy anchor that tried to stop her. Jennifer couldn’t pinpoint what the feeling was exactly but she feared that if she spent more time living like this her mind would adapt to her current lifestyle. The anchor was slowly becoming heavy but right now it still felt light enough carry as a necklace. Jennifer couldn’t express her own feelings properly as she went back in front of the mirror to look closer at her face. Having this emotionless blank stare made Jennifer feel sad. All the emotions she expressed felt fake and the blank stare was the only emotion she could truly express. Jennifer wanted to keep her mind busy and decided to go check out her writing desk to see how her grades were looking.
Jennifer’s laptop had gotten an upgrade and looked brand new. It had several band logos attached to it backside making it an art piece as she booted the computer. Jennifer’s wallpaper was a matte black and blue tinted picture of bottom of an ocean. Computer’s mouse cursor a small tear drop. The folder were dark blue custom self-made folders with very dark themed names under them. Jennifer’s personal computer was depressing and somber. She went to look at her own browsing history and saw that she had recently looked make-up tutorials and how to apply eyeliner. The most recent video showed a young adult goth girl in her early twenties with layers of make-up showing how to be just like her. The girl applied eyeliners and talked about her date. The video felt like a conversation with a big sister that was keeping Jennifer company. Her browsing history showed that she had watched multiple similar kind of videos on repeat.
It was like Jennifer was staring at her own future. A big breasted goth girl with eye catching make-up to show everybody how broken she was inside. Jennifer didn’t like the direction at all. Jennifer’s eyes begun to tear once more as she wished her mom was here to talk with her. Jennifer returned back to her bed and lied on top of it to ease the pain. She had to accept that fact that was she was now living with her dad. Jennifer’s mother wasn’t going to come back from the grave even if she went past beyond her own conception but Jennifer didn’t want to become a goth girl either. She had to do something but what?