Kevin had considered experimenting with his new body once he was safely in his room, but he'd decided against it. For one thing, he didn't want to give in to the stereotype for his situation. When he'd disovered he was transsexual, it wasn't long before he found his way onto related websites and discovered a treasure-trove of stories on the subject. But, to his surprise, they were mostly crap. Most of them amounted to plain old Mary-Sueing wish-fulfillment, replete with the likely issues and biases of whoever'd written them. Tons of "men are pigs" stories with hateful, domineering, sex-obsessed men turned into adoring, submissive, and slutty women. A few "women are pathetic" stories - weak-willed, downtrodden, sexually-repressed women turned into muscular, take-nothing-from-nobody, sex-obsessed ladykillers. And so many of them were so drenched in the crassly sexual.
Kevin didn't deny that part of his desire to become male, a significant part, was sexual - he'd found himself attracted to girls, and at the same time turned off by the idea of lesbianism; what could he do but wish to be male? And once that desire had found its way into his head, he realized that he wanted more than just sex with girls - he really wanted to be a father, to raise kids not as the gentle, nurturing parent, but as the strong supportive one; why did everything in the online transsexual community have to be solely about the sex act itself? Did every single hopeful-male person on the internet want nothing more than to bang a girl and then move on to the next one?
But even before puberty, before his concept of sex had advanced beyond "mommies and daddies can make a baby," he'd never wanted to be what girls were supposed to be, and what all the girls around him were. The feminine clothing, the future-mother attitudes, the "sugar-and-spice" schtick - he'd learned, of course, that these didn't apply in equal force to all girls, but he wanted no part of them at all. He wanted to be male in a sexual way, yes, but that was because he wanted to be wholly male, in every aspect.
And so, as a form of silent protest, he decided to be one of the very, very few magically-transformed transsexuals whose first act wasn't going to be a gigantic wanking session. Instead, he lay on his bed and drifted off to sleep.
Kevin was standing on the field at his school. He'd just done something physically exerting - he was drenched in sweat and out of breath, panting heavily, every muscle in his body drained of energy. The aching hadn't set in yet, but he knew it would; years of tomboy excercise had prepared him for that. Someone was yelling at him - it was the P.E. teacher, screaming about how his performance wasn't good enough - how he wasn't any kind of man at all if he was so pathetic as to have done whatever he did wrong. But the feeling - the feeling was wonderful, far more so than the physical exertions he'd experienced as a girl. Whether he'd actually screwed up, or whether the coach was making a mountain out of a molehill as was his wont, he'd given his all to something, and though he was utterly worn out, he was more invigorated than he'd ever been. It was a strength inside, a haze around his brain. It wasn't that state that athletes called the "zone," but it was something similar, maybe. He stood there, oblivious to the coach, and basked in the glow.
All of a sudden Kevin was in the guys' bathroom, one of a cluster of guys - they were all younger, somewhere around twelve or thirteen. At the center of the cluster was one particularily smug kid, clutching a porn magazine. As Kevin watched, unsure what to say or do, the kid began flipping through the magazine. As the pages turned, his mind was filled with contradiction. Many of the images were revolting, as was the concept - porn as an industry was so damned exploitative. But...he couldn't deny that at least some of these girls, the ones who weren't all implants and waist reduction and makeup, were very attractive - had he seen them in other circumstances, he would have found them beautiful. As it was, the pictures were turning him on, moral objections notwithstanding. Excitement coming from such a disgusting source - what was this all about?
Now Kevin was standing on someone's front porch. The someone turned out to be an attractive cat-girl. "I...I had a wonderful time tonight," she smiled. "I'm glad I met you, you know that?" Kevin nodded, smiling back. "In fact..." she said, "...I...I think I love you."
She grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled him close. Kevin had never been in this kind of situation before, but somehow he knew what to do. Gently, he drew her face towards his and kissed her. The moment felt like infinity, but it was still far too short. When they drew apart, he simply smiled and said, "I love you, too." They embraced, and though the embrace was longer than the kiss, it still couldn't last long enough. They said good night and she went inside, and Kevin turned and walked down the sidewalk. There was a vibrant joy inside him that made where he was going unimportant - he was just going, there was a girl in love with him, God's in his heaven, all's right with the world...
Suddenly he was back on the porch. Standing in the doorway, tears streaming down her face, was the girl who'd just confessed her love for him. Standing on the porch, looming in his face, was her father. "Don't give me that shit, boy!" he snarled. "I've seen the way you look at her, and my son's told me what you've said about her in the locker room. I know damn well you're trying to get into her pants."
"I didn't say-" Kevin protested, but her dad cut him off. "Are you calling my boy a liar!?" he snapped. "Now listen to me, and listen good. I want you out of her life. I don't want you calling, I don't want you visiting, I don't want you saying one god damned word to her ever again. If I find out you've been trying to talk her into bed the way you young bucks do, I'll bring a baseball bat and kill your fucking future generations. Got it?"
The girl sobbed. "Please, Kevin," she said, "just go. I don't want to see you hurt. Please..."
His heart throbbing, his head feeling like it was about to explode from anger, Kevin turned and walked away. He was innocent! He hadn't done any of the things he'd been accused of! But just because he was a teenage male, he was assumed to be the worst of the worst! He turned for one last look. She looked back at him. I love you, she mouthed. I love you too, he mouthed back. He turned and walked away, wishing death upon her father, for being an unjust asshole, and on himself, for not standing up to him.
And suddenly it was all gone, and Kevin was left in blackness. It was all so horrible! Held to physical standards most guys would never meet, expected to derive pleasure from the most crass things imaginable, always assumed to be only a walking penis and nothing more...was this really what being a man was like
But on the other hand...the exhilaration was so intense, the appreciation of beauty was so powerful, and the kiss and the embrace and the love so intoxicating and overpowering...you really did have to take the good with the bad. Was it worth it? Oh, that kiss...it was worth it. It was definitely worth it. And with that thought, Kevin drifted back to consciousness.