"Fuck, what's happening to you, lad?" gasps CPO Jamieson, seeing Leading Rate Merrick's sudden transformation.
"What d'you mean, happening to mee-hawww! sir?" answers Merrick, clearly nonplussed.
"You've - you've got hooves, son! And.. And FUR! And--"
"--Long fuckin' donkey ears!!" pipes up another of the ratings, Leading Rate Brewster, whose beer is spilling out of his glass onto his highly polished black boots. Hearing the splash, he quickly rights his glass and takes a couple of hurried swigs, as if to minimise any further loss of the tasty brew. He then feels embarrassed for acting so heartlessly in front of his unfortunate pal.
Leading Rate Merrick doesn't notice however; he's too busy fondling his long hairy ears. But to everyone's amazement, the young, stocky sailor doesn't react with horror. Oh no. Instead, he turns and looks at the pool table with a broad grin on his face.
"You lads seen Pinocchio?" he asks quizzically, "The Disney version...?"
"'Course," replies Able Seaman 'Sparky' Rogers without thinking. He's staring at his furry mate as if hypnotised. Merrick's right hoof-hand is now sensuously rubbing his butt!
"Then watch this..."
And hitching up his starched white shorts as best he can with his deformed hands, Merrick picks up a pool cue and bends forward over the table, pretending to take a shot. Peering back over his shoulder, he again grins at his gobsmacked shipmates.
"I'm a real-life Lampwick, yeah? I've got the ears, I've fur, I've ALMOST got hooves... Now it's time for the best bit!" And pushing his butt high into the air, his white, tailored shorts stretched tight across his cheeks, he adds, "Hold on to your caps, lads. I'm gonna sprout me a TAIL!!"