"Dr. Van Helsing with be with you in a few moments," the nurse said with a smile as she turned away.
"Dr. Van Helsing?" you ask.
You still feel weak all over. You try to raise your arm, and discover that heavy iron changes are draped across you, and the heavy weight you feel on your chest turns out to be a flimsy wooden dime-store crucifix.
"Yes, he's from VIM - the Vampire Internment Ministry," the nurse explained as she sat down at her desk and began to write. She added shaking her head, "So many forms to fill-out every time a kid goes vampire. I wonder if anyone every reads my reports." But she continues to write.
"Excuse me, but what's going on? Why am I chained up?" you demand feeling particularly nervous about being a vampire soon to be under Dr. Van Helsing's care.
"Now don't worry yourself to death - oh, I made a funny!" laughed the nurse, "You see you were attacked by a vampire in gym class, and killed. It used to be hard to explain to a young kid that had had his whole life ahead of him that he was dead, but here at Sunnydale it's just part of the daily routine. "Anyway, it killed you before the coach and your classmates were able to empty a vampire extinguisher on him. As soon as we were certain you were dead, we chained you up for the safety of the school and called VIM."
"Vampire extinguishers?"
"Tch, tch, must've sustained head trauma. I'll point this out to Dr. Van Helsing. You seem to have a partial amnesia. A vampire extinguisher is one of those white cylinders in the glass boxes next to the red fire extinguishers. The white ones are clearly marked with a yellow glow in the dark cross, and contain pressurized holy water and garlic. You'll be happy to know that the vamp that attacked you is now a steaming pile of bones in a hazmat bag waiting for Dr. Van Helsing to pick up too."
"This is all too much to take. I wasn't in gym, I was in class. A really boring class, and someone handed me this note," you feel around nervously. "Was there a piece of paper with me when - uh, I was found?"
Your fingers brush fabric and exposed skin - you realize you're wearing only a jockstrap. "And where the hell are my clothes?" you exclaim.
"No swearing!" snapped the school nurse, "Now I know this has been a traumatic event for you. You were wrestling - not in class - the vampire ripped you out of your singlet and bit you - uh, well, let's just say you don't have a neck wound," the nurse answered uncomfortably.
She is interupted by a loud knock at the door. She goes and unlocks it.
"Dr. Van Helsing, nurse, you have the undead specimen secured?"
The short bearded man with pince nez does look kind of like a guy out of the 19th century, but he'd have to be a immortal to look so young. Vampires are immortal. He sets his black leather bag on the bed next to your head, and turns to the nurse.
"Very good nurse, but there are no visible wounds - I thought you reported he was a fresh conversion?"
"VIM protocols state that "fresh wounds should be kept covered if possible." The wound is inside his jockstrap. His attacker bit his - well, you know," she said turning away blushing. Then she spun back around and added, "Oh, and he has amnesia. He doesn't remember the attack or even being wrestling, he said the last thing he remembered was a note being passed to him in class. He asked for it, but well all his personal effects are in the plastic bins for VIM."
"Amnesia?" asked Van Helsing raising an eyebrow. "What exactly do you remember, spawn of the undead?"
"Spawn of what?" you ask. This is getting to weird, and every movie you've seen with Van Helsing and vampires in it that black bag next to you contains a wooden stake and hammer. You concentrate, "Transform now, human!"
"What did you say?"
"I'm not a vampire, there's been some sort of mistake," you insist.
"Denial," the man says shaking his head, "Not amnesia, I think. Though I don't suppose that vampires would be immune to amnesia, it hasn't had a kill yet, has it?"
"No, just some donor plasma," answered the nurse.
Van Helsing opens his bag. The crucifix on your chest still weighs a ton. He takes out a hand mirror, and says, "This is a mirror - see," he flashes the reflection of the shelf behind the bed, so you can see the reflection than he holds it in front of your face.
You freak, you can see the indented pillow, and the floating chains, but you're invisible.
"I'm invisible?" you gasp.
"No, you're a vampire," sighed the doctor. "Most curious, I'll want this one taken straight to my lab instead of to the Tombs. Thank you for acting so efficiently, nurse?"
"My name is Elsa Lanchester," the nurse answers.
"Bride of Frankenstein," you mutter recognizing the name.
"Frankenstein - that's the name of my fiancee, but how do you know that?" she demands.
"Perhaps his amnesia is fading?" Van Helsing asks.
"Well, no, I haven't told anyone at the school - I haven't told my own family yet - he just asked me last night!"
"Indeed Nurse Lanchester?" says Van Helsing. He looms over you, and demands, "How did you know she was engaged to Frankenstein?"
"Dr. Frankenstein," the nurse added.
You answer, "This has got to be some sort of nightmare. See Victor Frankenstein is a fictional character, with Halloween coming up, our English teacher was making us read it. I never thought a horror novel could be made so boring by analyzing it. Anyway Frankenstein assembles dead body parts and reanimates them into a monster. It made a great movie for Universal Studios - surely you're seen it?"
"Necromancy?" gasps the nurse, "Oh, there were rumors, but they're malicious gossip from researchers who are jealous of Victor's successes."
Van Helsing takes out his Blackberry and types something in, "Uh, huh. Frankenstein, huh, very interesting. Watch yourself, Nurse Lanchester," Van Helsing warns after a few minutes of reading the results of his handheld search.
"You can't take the word of a vampire!" she argues.
"No worries. I consider the source. I will have to see if there is a book or movie about an animated golem that has a character with a name similar to Frankenstein. With amnesia sometimes names and memories get jumbled."
"Oh, that's a relief," says the nurse.
"That is sometimes," warns Van Helsing touching his nose.
There's another knock at the door. A girl in a uniform enters. You recognize her as the one who handed you the note.
"Nurse Lanchester, this is Recruit Vampire-Internment Training Corps Cadet Roswell."
"Dr. Van Helsing, the cadets are here to transfer the vampire," she says saluting and clicking her heals.
"Thank you, cadet, at ease. The subject is over there. There's been a change in plans. He's going to my lab instead of the tombs, so the coffin won't be needed. Nurse Lanchester, come with me I'll show you how our transfer operation works. Cadet, the prisoner is in your custody. Take the necessary samples, label them, and we'll be back in a few minutes with a transport cage."
Van Helsing and the nurse leave. The cadet locks the door, and strolls casually over to you smiling.
"So you wished to be a vampire?" she laughs.
"No, I wished to transform into whatever I thought or said, but it isn't working."
She laughs, "Wishing for wishes never works. Besides there are rules against the dead making or being granted wishes. So even if it worked, the moment you wished to be a vampire it ended, conflicted magics."
"Then give me the note and let me write something else," you demand.
"Ha, ha, like you're in a position to demand anything. Still, it would be interesting to see if a vampire could use the note's wishing power to become human - or maybe just appear human." She goes over to the two plastic bins and searches through them. Then she extracts the note and puts it to her lips. She says, "Maybe later?" She folds it up and shoves it into her bra, "For now I want to see how this new Gothic reality you created unfolds. So many twists and turns. The moment vampires became real, so did werewolves, golems, ghosts, demons, witches, dragons, wizards, and a host of other myths. I'm still taking it all in. If you're still with us in a week or two, I may let you have this note then."
There's a noise at the door. She pulls a cotton swab out and jams it in your nose. Then opens the door. Two more cadets enter.