It was getting late, and there was practice in the morning and a game
tomorrow night, so the three college men jauntily staggered out the
door. Willie, their designated driver, was left to pay the bill as
they headed south and went around the corner to the east,and cut
through an alley next to the building.
Willie emerged from the bar and saw his friends going the opposite
direction from the car. The car was to the Northwest, not the
Southeast. He started to run after them and was about to shout, when a
big hand closed on his shoulder. It was the bar bouncer, behind him
was the bartender.
"You owe $55 more," demanded the barkeep.
"But I just paid the bill, and left a tip," Willie protested in
confusion.
"Big blonde jock boy started a separate tab with waitress Lily. Total
is $55, not including tip."
Willie glanced angrily at where the jocks had been, and then pulled
out his wallet. Here's my credit card, add a 15% tip," he said.
The bouncer held him firmly, as the bartender disappeared inside.
Willie stole a glance at his watch and then at the entrance to the
alley. He wondered how much trouble those three jocks could get into
while he was standing here in the bouncer's iron grip. He looked at
the watch again there was still time to get them back to the hotel
before curfew. He didn't know how he'd ever let the coach snag him
into a job as babysitter to these three delinquents. He suspected the
$55 wasn't for a drink at all. Dick, the blonde jock, had been at the
table all night except for about 20-30 minutes when he had gone to the
john. He had come back with a smile on his face, and made some weird
comment about having cleaned his plumbing.
A woman came out of the bar with a credit card slip for his signature.
When she got closer, Willie saw two things that almost made him guffaw
right there. First, he saw her Adam's apple - she was a guy in drag.
Second, he saw her name tag - it read "Lily." He signed the slip for
$65 - it should've been less than $64 with 15%, but the bartender
apparently liked round numbers. Willie wasn't about to quibble, so he
signed. The "woman" handed him back his card and a copy of his slip,
and grinned at him saying something about being glad to be of service.
"She" and the bouncer went back inside and Willie headed for the
alley.
It was a dark narrow alley, but after about 100 feet it opened into a
courtyard alley intersection with a parking lot. The only light came
from an odd storefront that apparently fronted on the alley. It was
one of those traditional Chinese herbalist shops. The sign over the
door had big Chinese characters and in smaller English was written:
Ointment Shop. At first, Willie started to walk passed the shop, then
he saw movement and color through the window as he walked by. His
first thought was there they are, his second thought was "bulls loose
in a china shop,"as he entered the small shop and saw it was lined
with glass jars and bottles on high narrow rickety old shelves
reaching up to the ceiling.
The three were joking and tossing jars and tubes back and forth to the
consternation of the tiny old Asian man who was trying to get them to
put down the ointments and either buy something or leave.
"Hey, Dick, I bet this will improve your game - it's called Football
Ointment."
"Yeah, Bob, well this Skunk Oil will make your performance stink
less."
"Ooh, we gotta get this one for Willie, it's for jock itch - I think?"
"Whoa look at this one Tiger Bomb."
"You mean tiger balm," corrected Bob.
"Nah, it says Tiger Bomb, see!" Dick said holding the black and red
jar so Bob could see.
"Guess, it's da' bomb, but we can't take it on the plane with us - TSA
would freak," laughed Bob.
"Careful, don't drop it it's expensive," warned the shopkeeper.
"Oh, this might improve your love life, Dick," Garth said holding up
a big pink jar, "Guaranteed to make you your lover's dream lover. If
it works, you won't have to pay for bathroom blow jobs from trannies."
"Trannies? No way, I'm strictly a ladies man. Like tonight, the hot
Asian chick Lily, oh, man does she know how to gratify a man. I
wouldn't mind being her dream date," Dick said grabbing the jar from
Garth.
"Hey, guys, tomorrow's a game day, so put down the jars and say
goodnight to your new friend, and let's get going," said Willie.
"Hey, Willie, we got something for you - it's called Willie Wax," said
Dick holding up a green jar.
"Yeah, it's not every day we get to go to an exotic shop in a
Chinatown. So we need to stock up on ointments. I bet this one will
really soothe my muscles," said Bob.
Each jock seemed to grab three or four jars and soon there were a
dozen jars. The shopkeeper totaled the bill, and then as he handed
Willie the heavy bag, he said, "Baker's dozen. Here's an ointment with
my compliments."
Now Willie's wallet was lighter, and his burden heavier, as he was
schlepping the big brown paper bag filled with heavy ointment jars. As
he steered them down the alley toward the Northeast and the car, the
lights at the shop dimmed. Glancing over his shoulder it seemed to
Willie that the store had just vanished.
Dick said, "Hey, I want to see that Dreamlover ointment." He reaches
into the bag rummaging around clanking the jars together.
"Yeah, I want to try mine too," said Bob.
Garth laughed, "You just want to see if you put that ointment on, if
you'll get a free blow job from the guy in the dress back at the
Shanghai Bar."
"I told you Lily's a woman," snapped Dick, "Ah, here's the jar."
"Can't you guys wait until we get to the car at least, this bag is
heavy," complained Willie.
"You need your willie waxed, Willie, you're too tense," said Dick, as
he unscrewed the pink jar and sniffed the contents. "Say, what say we
stop by the bar on the way to the car for one drink for the road?"
"No," said Willie.
"I could go with another Fosters," said Garth.
"Nah, Bud's my beer. Drink American," said Dick.
"Uh, I thought the Dutch bought Budweiser," said Willie, but no one
was listening to him.