Richard Parker had been browsing eBay just to pass the time when he spotted the listing for an Ancient Book of Magic. "Oh, sure," he muttered to himself. "Like someone would sell a magical book on eBay." Still, the photo shown looked interesting. Handwritten text on really old-looking paper. It was either a clever forgery, or maybe some handbook to repairing the Roman aqueducts. Since it wasn't in English, whoever had this listed could be selling anything.
Still, the image was interesting. Not too blurred. His eyes lit up when he saw 'Supersize this photo.' at the bottom. On mouseclick brought up a much larger version of the one-page scan. It looked like a full spell, if that was what the book held. He right-clicked the image and saved it as 'spell.jpg,' then went on to look at used DVDs.
It wasn't until he finished surfing the internet a couple of hours later that he remembered the stolen graphic. Pulling it up in Photoshop, he was able to enhance the image enough to read all of the letters. Not that he could read the wods - but he tried sounding them out anyway, trying to figure out the meanings.
As he finished reading through it the first time, he stared at the computer screen. The image hade changed - some of the words had turned gold. He started through again, this time watching the .jpg as he spoke. With some experimentation, he found that the words turned gold if he tried enough different pronounciations. As the last word changed color, the entire screen glowed brightly, and suddenly projected a 3-D version of the page in front of his face.
He gaped at the real-looking parchement, detailed with texture and even age stains. "Well I'll be a monkey's uncle! It works! Son of a bitch! If I try to tell anyone about this, they'll say I'm full of bull!"
The shimmering image flickered, and suddenly dissolved into three balls of light. The first two shot out of the window, splitting off in different directions through the night sky. The third hovered for a moment, then moved suddenly into Richard's chest.
He jumped up from the computer, pulling at his shirt in panic. Then his shirt gave way on its own as his chest began to barrel out. His belts closed painfully around his waist before popping apart, and he creid out in pain as the rest of his clothes clamped around his body before shredding. He started for the phone to call 911, only to fall forward.
The cow that had been Richard mooed in fear and confusion as the room shifted, becoming a large, open pasture. She twisted around, horrified. What had happened. She remembered saying 'full of bul,' but nothing about being a cow! Then a heavy weight pressed down on her rump and she bellowed as a massive bull found and thrust into her new female sex. She was overwhelmed by the animal lust and need, only barely able to realize that she was indeed full of bull now.
A hundred miles away, his sister's ten year-old son Timothy tossed and turned in his sleep. He did not see the ball of light that came into the window and settled into his body. Nor was he aware of the rapid spread of dark fur that shor across his skin. His face pushed out, his forehead lowered, and his feet became prehensile. It wouldn't be until the next morning when his mother came in to wake him for school and started screaming about a chimpanzee in the house that Timothy would find out how the spell made Richard a Monkey's Uncle.
The last ball of light had further to go - almost all the way across country. Emily Parker was a night owl who loved to read late. Her husband was upstairs asleep, resting up from another busy day of golf. They had been enjoying the retired life for a couple of years - little did she know their marriage was about to end.
The first sign of trouble was a flash of light that seemed to strike her in the face. She blinked, trying to find the source of light. Then something started to block the middle of her vision. Reaching up, she gasped as her hand encountered a cold, wet nose on the end of a growing muzle. Then her whole body twisted, and she cried out with a scream that turned into a loud howling. She fell forward onto large forepaws, shaking off the remains of her torn gown and robe. As her husband came stumbling down the stairs to see what was going on, the Great Dane female that had been Emily Parker began to whine and whimper. The final part of the spell was complete - Richard was indeed a son of a bitch.
Richard's computer flickered as Adobe Photoshop clicked off, the file erased itself, and finally, the whole system went dead.