So, after the worst day of my life, I find out that I can't get a ticket to go home with my new husband. Why? Because I'm a kangaroo, and the poor, oppressed, humans can't have any rude, filthy animals on their flights.
I mean, O.K. I hadn't taken a shower in a while, and yes, I MAY have a bit of a temper, but still, that's bullshit.
So, since I sure as hell ain't staying in Vegas, I'm forced to find a library with a computer, realize I cannot use a computer, begrudgingly ask the librarian to look up "Rick Davis" for me, find his address, and start a trek across the country to find this guy.
Oh, and he lived all the way on the east coast. Because, you know, the sea is oh-so welcoming, what with all the eels and sharks.
Anyway, I make it to his house, and I use the key he gave me to get in. He's nowhere to be seen, and the only clue I have as to where he may be is a menu for, of all places, an OUTBACK RESTAURANT.
So I go to one to check. Turns out that there's two in his town, so I hop 10 or 20 or so miles over to it.
And finally, I find him. There he is. The single object that has compelled me for the past few months.
And what is this wonderful man, this knight in shining armour, doing at this fine eatery?
Feeding another woman.
Hell yeah I was angry! THREE FUCKING MONTHS OF MOSQUITO BITES, GETTING CAUGHT IN STORMS, BEING PULLED OVER BY THE COPS, AND HAVING A SHITTY ASS TIME, ONLY TO FIND THAT MY HUSBAND WAS CHEATING ON ME?
But, I held my temper. No tears, no broken stools. Instead, I tried talking to him, like a normal person.
And then his date calls me, and I quote. "A fucking anthro bitch."
So, I kicked her into a waiter, who just so happened to be carrying a decaf roast, a tub of hot gravy, and a delicious plate of steaming hot enchiladas. Which is obviously what you would serve at an Australia themed restaurant.
Didn't go over particularly well. And I may have been banned from every Outback ever, but hey! Rick was finally mine for the taking.
What I didn't consider was the possibilty that he would be angry over me kicking his girlfriend. After yelling a bit, we actually managed to make up for it. So, after my long journey, I was with my husband, who I just now remembered was just some guy off the street that I married while drunk.
Shit.
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"So, Ruby..."
I had been looking at his T.V. for about 20 minutes when Rick came to ask me something.
"Yeah? Something you need?" I said, trying to be as nice as possible.
"No, I just had a question. See, a while back, me and my friends, Mark and Dave, we got some tickets to a football game, and I was just wondering if you, you know, wanted to come with us." He gulped, obviously nervous.
"Football's the one with the quarters that get down on their backs, right?" I was being serious when I asked, but he laughed. Confused, I asked if had said something funny. Which just made him laugh harder.
I was rather frustrated with him, but I decided to go to his "football game." "Alright," I said "Might as well do something."
"Great!" He said. "I'll call my friends over, and then I'll try to get you a ticket online."
I sat down, continuing to watch his T.V. It wasn't like the machine was completely alien to me, but I hadn't spent a ton of time around one, so I didn't quite get it.
It was more entertaining than I expected, and I did learn a few things about human culture. So, after a while, Rick came baack to tell me he had gotten me seat with him and his friends.
About 10 minutes later, his friends, Mark and Dave came over. Mark was black haired, and pretty tall, while Dave had a buzz cut and was well built. They didn't look at me, and it seemed like they avoided looking at me on purpose.
So, we get into Mark's car and we start on our way to the stadium. "Rick?" I asked. "Would you explain how this football thing works when we get there?"
"Uh, sure..." He said. I kept quiet for the rest of the ride. I didn't know what was going to happen, but at least I could enjoy something with my husband for once.