The first thing I remembered was the sound of voices around me as I woke up slowly. Then I felt a big pain in me head. I reached up and rubbed me forehead as I began to open me eyes. As me eyes opened I saw four faces looking at me. “What in bloody ‘ell are you all looking at?” I asked.
“Well…you,” said an older looking gent.
“Do you know where you are?” asked some woman.
I had to think. Me mind was all fuzzy and stuff. Then some things started coming back. “I'm…somewhere…that…doesn't exist…right?” I asked. That didn’t make any sense, but I could remember being told that.
The woman smiled and said, “Yes, that is correct. Do you remember who we are?”
Oof, that seemed a bit tricky. These people looked familiar and yet they didn't. I thought so hard me brain began to hurt. But then their names came back to me. I looked at the older gent and said,
You're Allan, right?”
He smiled and said, “Right.”
The next face I saw was some chubby looking man. “I think you are Bradley,” I said. He just nodded. Next I saw a younger girl and said to her, “You're Julie.” She nodded, too. Last I looked at the other woman and said, “Victoria, right?”
She looked at the one called Allan and said, “Wow, I cannot believe his voice is different.”
I looked down at meself and saw me two huge titties. “What the hell do you mean ‘his voice?’” I asked.
She looked at me and said, “You have a cockney British accent.”
I stood up in a huff. Me titties bounced up and down. I giggled at them doing that. But then I got mad again. “I don’t have to take them insults,” I said. “Just ‘cause I don’t sound good as you!”
She put up her hands. “I am sorry,” she said. “I did not mean to insult you. Please sit down again.”
“Fine,” I said. “Only ‘cause I want to.” Me titties bounced again and I giggled again. I don’t know why, it just seemed funny. I could tell I had the biggest ones in the room, even bigger than the chubster. Then it hit me. “Why am I naked and none of you are?” I asked.
“Um, we’ll figure that out,” said Allan. “We have to ask you a few more questions, though. Do you remember how you came here?”
“Of course I do,” I said. I opened my mouth but then…I went blank. I couldn’t remember how I got here at all. I could barely remember what “here” was. “No,” I said.
“What’s your name?” asked Allan.
Again I opened my mouth but I couldn’t think of an answer. “Oh, blimey! I don’t know who the ‘ell I am!” I shouted. I stood up again and started looking all around the room. It was a weird place. There were bright lights and things that looked like computers and tellies all around. I started to get dizzy. I fell down into the chair.
All of a sudden I felt something bite me arm. “Ow!” I shouted. I looked and saw Allan sticking a needle in me. “What the bloody ‘ell?” I asked.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “This will calm you down.”
I did start to feel calm again. Me breathing got normal again. But I started to ramble. “Oh, blimey. Where am I? Who am I?” I kept repeating.
I heard the one called Bradley ask, “Was I as bad as this?”
“No,” said Victoria. “And you know why. Give him a break.”
I heard what she said. “What’cha mean ‘him?’ That’s… second time…you called me…‘him,’” I panted.
“In a moment,” she said. “I want you to be OK before any more questions.”
I felt someone take me hand and pick me up. It was Allan. He was taking off his big, white coat. He put it around me and said, “Here, this should help make you comfortable.”
He put it around me shoulders and pulled it around the front of me body. But me titties were too big and it didn’t cover them. I slipped out of it and said, “Thanks anyway. I’ll be OK.”
“Sorry,” he said like a perfect gent. He helped me sit down again.
I still felt a bit dizzy. As I sat down I looked at the chubby one and said, “You could learn…a thing or two…from Allan here.” He just stared at me. Or, rather he stared at me titties. I guess that couldn’t be helped.
It took a few minutes to catch me breath and feel like meself again. I think. I mean, I didn’t know who I was, so I thought I felt like meself. “OK,” I said. “Fire away.”
The one called Victoria asked again, “Do you remember ever having a name? You may need to think hard.”
I thought as hard as I could. I felt me brain start to hurt again, so I knew I was. I felt something in me head, but I didn’t know what it was exactly. I think it was telling me the answer, though. “Joe…Manfred,” I said slowly. “Is that right?” I asked. “That sounds like a lad’s name, that can’t be me.” They all looked at each other. “Can it?” I asked. I felt a bit worried again.
“Yes, you are Joe Manfred, in a manner of speaking,” said Victoria. “Do you see the ring on your finger?”
I looked at me hand and saw the ring she talked about. I stared at it for a few seconds. It looked like just some plain, ordinary ring. There was nothing fancy about it, no diamond or jewel or nothing. Looked pretty cheap, really. But then I felt like me head got hit by a bloody train. I fell against the back of the chair. I had all these memories now. “Oh, right,” I said. “I’m Joe’s whatchamacallit…alter-ego, right?”
“Yes!” Victoria exclaimed. She seemed quite happy.
“And you’re all members of something called P.H.A.N.T.O.M., right?” I asked. “So I’m s’posed to be special, innit right? Wow. I don’t feel special.” I looked down at me body again. “Except for these babies,” I said as I cupped me titties in me hands. “I mean, these are bloody ‘uge.” I stood up and looked at the rest of me. I felt me big, round, soft bum. “So’s this,” I said. “I’ll bet I could be in a few lad’s mags, easy. Probably pay good money to put me in pages.”
“Yes, but that is not what you’re here for,” said Victoria.
“Oh, yea, right,” I said. “Sorry, love. Just…feeling meself out.”
“More like feeling yourself up,” said the chubby one, Bradley.
“Oy! Just ‘cause I got bigger ‘uns than you, you just shut it!” I shouted. “Bleedin’ fatty.”
He smirked at me and said, “So says the Barbie doll wet dream fantasy.”
That one hurt. It wasn’t my fault I looked like this! I felt me eyes start to tear up. I sat down again and didn’t say another word.
“Bradley, must you always cause trouble?” Victoria asked him. She sounded pretty angry. He just shrugged at her.
The one called Julie came around to me and put her arms around me. She whispered to me, “Don’t worry. You’ll get to laugh at him soon.”
“Thanks, love,” I said with a sniffle. I couldn’t help but notice how pretty she was. She seemed to have a nice figure and such. So did Victoria for that matter, but she was a little older. I don’t know why I thought that was important. Once I felt better I said to Victoria, “So now I remember who…or I s’pose, what, I am. Do I have a name other than Joe?”
“You are not Joe,” said Victoria. “You do need a name, but we have to figure some things out before we can give you your name.”
“Like what?” I asked.