The doctor was sniveling as the video ended with Davros' inevitable defeat. He muttered, "What a world, what a world!" and pounded his fist on the console.
There was a whirring noise as his door opened, and the colonel stepped in. There are two armed guards behind him.
"Mein kernal!" shouted the doctor pulling up his bed sheets to cover his nakedness.
"Doctor, you lied to me!" exclaimed the colonel.
Weidlieb's mind raced. There were so many lies, which one had the colonel caught him in? Can't confess to the wrong one, can he?
"Vat are you speaking of, mein coll-o-nel?" he said mispronouncing the colonel's title purposefully.
"The computer informs me that the terraforming equipment is perfectly functional," the colonel said, "There is no need for the humorph experiments."
"Ah, dat computer," the doctor said with a short laugh, "It also replicates coffee when you ask for tea, and postum when you ask for tea. I assure you that the equipment will not function as it should. I personally inspected it."
"Yes, about that. The ones you personally inspected will not work because you sabotaged them. You see the surveillance system recorded your sabotage, and I have repair teams working on the two machines you took that hammer to-" the colonel displays on his smartphone video of the doctor smashing equipment, as he shouts "EXTERMINATE!"
"Oh," said the doctor simply caught. He thought about giving a monologue like Davros, but he didn't want to waste it on the colonel. It would be like revealing your plot to the Brigadier instead of the Doctor, he thought sadly. Still he was amazed that the simpleton had caught him. Then he added, "No matter."
"No matter? You're under arrest! Guards, sieze him."
They stumble uncertainly in the low G room, as the doctor leaps from his bed wearing only his Dalek boxer shorts and kicks the closest guard in the face, while striking the other in the chest.
"That's fighting dirty doctor, and what did you mean about by that "no matter"?" said the colonel bracing himself. The two guards remained prone on the floor, and the doctor was standing triumphantly on the bed. The colonel felt so weak, so tired.
"Ah, mein colonel, I couldn't wait, and using pods to convert crew members one at a time. So I made a retrovirus and put it through the ventilation system. It sets the body up to transform. Then I put the activation enzymes in the food replicator. We should get some interesting chimeras depending on what people ate. Looks like you had the rabbit, Colonel. Ensign Rand will have her mate after all. Mwhahaha!"
"You f-f-f-fiend," the colonel hissed. A fork tongue flickered from between his lips. Then he was falling. He was vaguely aware of his legs fusing, as the doctor cut him out of his clothing.
The doctor commented on the guards must've had the beef, and would make fine minotaurs. The colonel needed to warn the crew. He stared at the doctor and hissed, "Yous-s-s-s-s."
"Oh, I took the antidote. After all someone has to run the show," the doctor said losing his German accent completely. "Oh, and I did lie to you, colonel. I lied so many times. I don't know where to begin. Let's see, oh, as you probably guessed, I'm not German, and my name isn't Weirdlieb. You younger folks have no appreciation for the classics. Doctor Weirdlieb was a motion picture character, but he changed his name when the Americans won. Come on, colonel, don't tell me you never saw that motion picture? Hint, the subtitle was "How I Stopped Worrying And Learned To Love The Bomb." Nothing?" he sighed and added, "Philistine."
Then he continued, "No, I wasn't ever planning to terraform this world. This world is perfect the way it is, and after the crew has been modified and their new lifeforms perfected, I will use this terraforming equipment to reshape the face of the universe in a new image. The Earth will be converted into a world identical to this, after I've spread my synthetic virus throughout the world, and reprogrammed the replicators there to produce the activation enzymes. And then I will do what Davros failed to do, I will conquer the universe."
"Davrossssss?" hissed the colonel, "He'sssss not real. Jusssst a character from a kidsssssssss video game?"
"Actually, kid's television programme, originally," sighed the doctor, "Guess, you're not a complete philistine. Now let me continue my monologue. I've been dying to do this for years. Wish I had a better adversary, but then I might not be winning," he giggled.
"I lied about the pods too. You could've let your crew sleep in them for another 15 years without any mental defects. Their brains would have been kept active with entertainment from the archives. Longer than 15 years, well too much entertainment does impact the mind. I spent 150 years in one of those pods, I think. No, yes, I did. I saw every episode of Doctor Who a dozen times, at least. See the pod's selector was defective. It was stuck on the D's. Doctor Doolittle, Doctor Strangelove, Doctor Who, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, Dirty Dozen, Dirty Harry, and so on."
"You are madsss, doctorss," hisses the colonel as he continues to transform.
"Perhaps, but I'm in control now," he said dressing in a monarch's costume complete with crown, he sat back in his motorized wheelchair. He pushed a button on the arm. The two minotaurs stood and saluted him.
The colonel slithered across the floor. He had to escape. He had to- it was his duty- he had to stop the doctor. He heard the guards responding to the doctor's instructions, and wondered who he had unleashed on his crew.
"Yes, master, we will secure the ship, tag and catalogue the crew members."
"Good. I need to know who's what now."
Just then a young lieutenant enters.
"Colonel? Doctor Brennan said that he detected a virus in the ventilation system, but he has an antidote. I have some for you."
"The colonel's antidote? Oh, sorry, but you're too late, Lieutenant." The doctor pointed at the slithering she-serpent inches from the colonel's empty uniform.
"Guards seize him. I need to find out how much damage that Bones did to my plan. I suspect most of the crew is still infected, as they would want to cure the colonel first."
"Oh, crap," said the lieutenant as he struggled between the two muscle bull-men.