“Ew!" you crinkle up your nose in the unventilated janitor's closet. "It stinks in here. Stephen are you okay?"
Stephen’s reply is a glugging, gagging sound. You lift his lid and notice that the living toilet is blocked with newspaper and filled to the rim backed-up water (among other things). You grimace and grab a plunger, which wasn’t too hard to find this being the janitor’s closet and all. You give Stephen’s tank an apologetic look, assuming that to be where his face is, and shove the plunger into the bowl.
After a few minutes of pumping the rubber suction cup into Stephen’s mouth, there’s a loud gurgle and a “shlurp!” as the contents suddenly disappear down his U-bend. There are a few sickening “glorping” sounds and what sounds like a belch. You feel like throwing up, but Stephen’s toilet bowl is the only place to do it so you manage to swallow it back.
“That was fucking disgusting,” Stephen sounds as sick as you feel.
“Sorry, man, I didn’t expect any of this to happe- woah!” You stagger back from Stephen and bang into the door.
“What is it?”
Stephen is kneeling on the floor in front of you, human again. He’s also dressed as he was before his transformation, although there’s a slight stain on the front of his pants.
“Didn’t you notice? You changed back!” You tell him.
Stephen looks himself over and sighs with relief before getting up. That’s when he notices the front of his pants feels sticky and he blushes deeply. You can kind of feel for the guy as he casually tries to hide that he jizzed himself in any way that won’t call attention to it, which is impossible.
“So,” you try to pretend you didn’t see by talking, “something caused you to change back and I didn’t use the keys, maybe there’s hope for Keith!”
“Maybe, look, dude,” Stephen looks like he’s going to throw up, “can I get cleaned up at your place? I mean, someone did just…”
“Take a shit in your mouth, yeah, uh, sure, let’s go…”
You lead Stephen up to your apartment, get him a towel, and show him to the bathroom.
With a moment alone while Stephen showers, you find yourself wondering why Stephen is acting so disgusted when he clearly just orgasmed from having someone sit on his face and take a crap. Of course it’s disgusting, it’s absolutely revolting, but if he came he must have enjoyed it right? Maybe that’s what changed him back… So if you could get Keith to orgasm, would he change back? But how do you make a turd orgasm? You’re definitely not going out there and masturbating a pile of dog shit. Out there? Fuck! You left Keith outside on top of your car! You rush out of the house and to your car only to find there is no longer a tupperware container of shit resting on top. You panic, have a little freak-out, and kick the tyre on your car in frustration. This sends a cat bolting out from under your car on the opposite side. You take a breath and walk around to the other side of your car, to find the tupperware container lying open on the floor - scuffed and scratched - with the dogshit lying half out of it. The dogshit is no longer soft and squishy, it has dried up and there is now a split in its shape wher it hit the floor. You hope Keith is okay and scoop him back up into the container using the container’s lid. However, as you attempt to do this, the dogshit crumbles a bit. You get all of it, but Keith is definitely not in one piece anymore. You bite your lip and return to your apartment with the container.
“Where were you?” Stephen asks as you return.
You explain you forgot Keith, and then tell Stephen about what you were thinking about before you collected him - about orgasms undoing the transformation. Stephen gets defensive and asks where you got a crazy idea like that. When you raise the point of his sticky pants, he tries to deny it, blushing furiously. This culminates in you telling him you don’t care what weird fetishes he has so long as you get Keith back.
“I don’t have any weird fetishes!” Stephen yells back, but then looks down blushing, “but I suppose you’re right.”
“Huh?”
“I actually did orgasm, but it wasn’t because I have any weird fetishes or anything.” He sounds really uncomfortable talking about this, which is reasonable, “When that guy flushed me, I suddenly felt like I was orgasming right up until my mouth, uh, bowl emptied and I changed back.”
You ponder on this.
“Actually,” Stephen says, breaking the awkward silence that had gone uncounted, “I could move and talk as a toilet, but what you’ve got there looks like a regular box of shit.”
“I’m telling you, that’s Keith!” You shoot back, astounded that Stephen could still be skeptical after what happened to him.
“No, no, I know,” Stephen nods, “But what I’m getting at is that the keys don’t seem to just turn one thing into another, they also seem to be able to change individual properties.”
You give him a blank look.
“I hypothesise that the keys could probably, for example, make your car a sentient being, capable of movement and thought on its own,” Stephen explains, “and in turn, they could take a person and render them inert, non-sentient. They might also be able to add even more unusual properties, such as certain biological processes occurring as a result of certain actions.”
You take a moment to work out where Stephen is going with this, “So you were a sentient toilet, but Keith is just a pile of shit?”
“Possibly,” Stephen nods, “although it’s also possible that he is merely unable to move or communicate and is completely aware of his situation. My point is, those keys seem to be limitless in just what they can modify about something, and I think the orgasm was more a symptom than a cure.”
You let this sink in for a moment. Then you realise that this information doesn’t bring you at all closer to restoring Keith. In fact, it erases your only lead. If the keys are that powerful, then they could just as well vapourise Keith and then you’d never get him back. He has been a bit of a financial drain but you wouldn’t risk doing that to him. The problem is working out how to control the keys. Stephen asks if you have a computer. You do. He then suggests creating a database of what the keys have done and what happened around that time that might have affected the outcome.
So the two of you work together at the computer, writing up everything you can recall. Stephen prompts you for information whenever you draw a blank, and helps you think of potential causations and correlations.
After a while, you have a decent list of potential controlling factors for how a certain transformation happened. When you transformed your car, you were fantasising about the kind of life you wanted and that involved a fancy car. When you transformed Keith into a dog; you were thinking how if Keith doesn’t smarten himself up you could always get a dog, that’d be a lot cheaper to look after. When you turned him into shit, you were hurriedly thinking about how much more trouble you’d be in if Keith the dog had crapped on the sidewalk, and with the cop you were thinking of somewhere to put Keith. The odd one out is Stephen, you weren’t thinking anything about him except how desperate you were for his help. Then again, the exact words you were thinking were “I’m desperate.” It seems pretty definite that the keys work based on your thoughts, but they’re also very temperamental and don’t always provide the results you expect. Stephen seems to agree with all of this, however he does propose something.
“A good scientific test is repeated thrice in controlled conditions,” he tells you.
“We don’t have time for that, I have to change him back!” You argue.
He fires back that if you’re wrong about the keys, the results could be unimaginably worse. He says it won’t take long, but that’s when your stomach rumbles. You suppose you could go for some dinner. You’ve already missed most of Keith’s college open day at this point, he might as well wait that long. You offer to take Stephen out for a meal as a thank-you, since you usually eat out just down the street anyway. He instead offers to start putting together a controlled test environment for the keys while you eat, so you can test them as soon as you get back. Maybe you’ll be able to catch the last couple of hours of the open day and still get some dinner this way.
With that settled, you head out to the restaurant down the street. You trust Stephen by now. After all, if you turn a guy into a toilet and he doesn’t call the cops on you after changing back and he still wants to help you, he’s probably an okay guy.
An hour later, you return home. You enter through the garage, where you notice that several objects and a caged rat have been arranged in an area that has been marked off with masking tape. Stephen must has gotten the test ready and will be waiting for you. You head up to your apartment, and immediately notice something is off. You hear people moaning from behind the door. You push it open. There is your computer, displaying a video of a rather explicit three-way where two guys are ploughing a hot blonde chick. And watching it is… A toilet.
“Stephen, what the fuck!?”
The toilet gurgles guiltily.
It turns out that after arranging things in the garage, Stephen got bored of waiting for you and decided to search the internet for information that might help with these transformation-inducing carkeys. He somehow ended up on a porn site and couldn’t help himself. However, the moment he orgasmed, he transformed back into a toilet. It seems that Stephen is were-plumbing, changing between man and toilet whenever he orgasms.
So that’s how things are, now. Keith is dogshit, there’s a cop who is now tupperware, and Stephen is a were-toilet.
The phone rings.
… … … Great, and now Sarah is coming over.