"With Halloween tomorrow, I think we should get our faces painted as the costumes we picked out," you say to April.
"That's a great idea! Our puppy and kitty cat costumes will look even better if we paint our faces to match!" she says.
"Ok, well, I guess I'll go first," you volunteer. "See you on the other side.
You step up to the door of the Facepaint O'Matic, and it slides open with a pneumatic hiss.
"Welcome! Please step inside," a robot voice says.
You step in, and the door hisses shut behind you.
"Thank you for trying the NEW FACEPAINT O'MATIC! This system is voice-activated. Please state what design you would like painted."
"A dog.... a dalmatian," you say, flustered.
"You want, a dalmatian, please say CONFIRM or CANCEL," the robotic woman barks.
"Uh, CONFIRM," you say. "Wow this system is pretty cool," you think to yourself.
"Dalmatian confirmed. Would you like only your face painted, or your whole body painted?" The robotic voice asks.
"Bbb---- Face," you stutter.
"Full body paint, Please say confirm or cancel."
"Cancel!" you yell, frantically.
"Bodypaint confirmed. How long would you like the design to last?"
"No you idiot! I said cancel! CANCEL! What type of machine is this? Where's the off button?!" you scream.
"One year. Body paint will last for one year. Please say confirm or cancel"
"NO!" you scream, infuriated. "I don't want body paint and I don't want to be a dalmatian for a year!"
"One year confirmed," the robot says. "For full body painting, please remove your clothes and place them in the blue bin."
Frantically, you scramble for a way out. The door you came in through is automatic, and there are no buttons or levers that might open it. Trying to pull it open proves futile, it mechanism is too strong.
"Please remove your clothes and place them in the blue bin to begin," the robot voice reiterates, noticeably more firmly this time.
"Help me! Stop this thing!" you yell, banging on the door. There are no windows, no way to signal for help. Looking around, you can't see any manual controls at all.
A camera comes down from the ceiling and scans you with a bright blue light. "For body painting, your clothes must be removed. Since you do not appear to understand, the system will aid you in this effort!" the machine barks.
A mechanical arm decends from the ceiling. "Please hold still and this will be painless," the robo voice says.
A red laser shoots out of the end of the arm and sweeps down your front and back, and down each arm and leg. The burning laser slices through your clothes, and scraps of charred clothing fall from your body. The laser then blasts your undergarments, removing them to leave you completely naked but unscathed. You start going into shock, unable to believe what has just happend to you. A door in the back of the room opens and a conveyor belt beneath you suddenly starts up, and rapidly moves you into the next room. The doors hiss shut once you are through, preventing any means of escape.
"Prepare for painting," the robotic voice chirps, as robotic arms grasp your wrists and ankles and begin to position you for the process. The arms spread your feet about two feet apart and extend your arms toward the ceiling.
"This can't be happening to me!" you say in complete disbelief.
"BEGIN" says the voice. Several arms with sprayers decend and begin to airbrush white paint all over your chest, back, arms, and legs. A shiver goes down your spine as you feel a sprayer move between your legs. You look into the mirror on the wall and watch as your body is painted pure white. The camera rotates around you, scanning to check the progress.
"Please close your eyes and mouth and hold your breath," orders the machine. You quickly close your eyes and mouth and grab a deep breath as you watch a sprayer arm lower in front of your face. You shiver as it covers your face, hair, and neck in white paint. A blower starts up, and starts blowing warm air against your body to dry the paint.
"You may open your eyes and mouth now," the machine says. Looking in the mirror, you see that your whole body is completely white. "How long before this is done?" you sigh.
"Commence painting details," says the machine. The blower turns off, and the sprayers start up again, painting the black dalmatian spots all over your body. The arms move up and down your body. You shiver as an arm reaches down between your legs and starts painting your member. "If nothing else, you are thorough," you groan.
A sprayer approaches your face.
"I know, I know," you groan.
"Close eyes and mouth now!"
You feel the sprayer paint a big black spot over your right eye and smaller spots across your face and neck. It paints your nose black, draws a thin line down to your mouth, and paints whiskers on your face. You open your eyes and look in the mirror; you gasp as a dalmatian face stares back at you; it really did make you look like a dog!
"Geez," you say, "the only thing that would top this is a big pink tongue hanging out of my mouth."
Suddenly, the sprayer arm approaches your mouth.
"This thing must be sentient," you think, as you close your mouth tightly. The arm moves in and paints a bright pink tongue hanging out of your mouth, and then paints your lips black.
"Commence drying." The blowers start up, and in a minute the paint is dry.
The robotic arms release your limbs and the conveyor belt moves you even farther back into the trailer. It is pitch dark; suddenly, bright spotlights shine on you and you see mirrors all around. Looking in the mirror, you can see yourself from every angle. You are painted as a dalmatian from head to toe, no area has been missed. "How am I going to explain this?" You wonder. "If this lasts for a year, I don't know what I'll do. I can't be a dalmatian for a year! What will April say?" You begin to rub you face and arms furiously, trying to remove the paint. Looking into the mirror again, there is no difference, not even a smudge.
A fanfare plays out of the speakers, "DaDaDaDAAAAAAA. Presenting Andy the Dalmatian!" The machine says. "Smile!" There are several bright flashes as cameras take your picture. "You may collect photographs at the exit."
You start walking toward the exit door, but then realize something. The machine shredded all your clothes with the laser. You have nothing to wear. You look down. Your privates are covered in white paint with black spots, but technically, you are still naked. "What about clothes?" You ask the machine.
"Look in the orange bin," it replies. Looking into the bin, you see a piece of clothing that resembles a Speedo, painted white with black spots. It has a tail sewn on at the rear. Frustrated, you step into the Speedo. Looking in the mirror, you see that it covered your private areas while blending in with the paint job. The tail hangs down in the back, covering your butt.
"Just like a real dog," you groan, walking toward the exit.