After leaving the store you stared at the credit card you had handed over to the talking penis. It had a few droplets of piss on one of the borders from where the cock had grabbed it with its pisslit... And was that a pubic hair? Yuck! You wiped your card on your pant leg before putting it back into your wallet.
But more disturbing was the dicking wand you were carrying around in a colorful shopping bag. Why the hell had you bought that thing? You weren’t even gay. You’ve always had a very childish sense of humor, though. Maybe you could use it to prank some of your co-workers tomorrow. Oh! That’d be fun! You brought out your smartphone and called Sean.
Sean was your childhood friend and ultimate partner in crime when it came to pranks. Remember when both of you ended up getting expelled from high school for three whole days? Ah, the memories. The cheerleader squad never fully recovered from that disaster.
“Peter! I told you to never mention the incident regarding the cheerleader’s locker room ever again!” Sean protested after you reminisced the whole thing. You had invited him for lunch at the nearest Chinese restaurant to plan out your next big score.
“But why? I thought you looked cute in the cheerleader outfit. And that blonde wig...”
Sean’s face went tomato-red. “You’re doing that on purpose, aren’t you?!”
A waiter speaking broken English put your orders on the table. “Noodles for gentleman and his lady friend.”
“Who are you calling a lady?! I’m a bona-fide man with hair on his chest!” Sean protested, the waiter looked at him with a confused expression and left.
“Give it a rest. The poor waiter’s probably using an English phrasebook.” You got closer to Sean and whispered to his ear. “You know, I’ve got a new plan to...”
“No.” Sean stated loudly.
“What the...? How the hell did you figure out my plan was about a new prank?!”
Sean sighed. “You just stated it out loud, Peter. I’m not participating in more plans of yours. You always use me as the bait.”
“That’s not true!” You cried out offended. Then you thought about any plans where you haven’t used Sean as a bait... And you didn’t remember any. “Ok, maybe it’s true. But this one is different. You see, I need you to disguise yourself as a dildo. Then I’ll place you in my office and then...”
“...That sounds like the very definition of using me as a bait.” Sean stated. “And how the hell am I supposed to disguise myself as a dildo? Don’t tell me that thing in your shopping bag is a giant dildo costume... Seriously, I’m completely out of this plan of yours.”
“Oh, that’s not it.” You kept explaining despite Sean’s complaints. “It’s a magic wand you see.” You opened the bag and showed off the dicking wand with pride.
“...Right.” Sean replied sarcastically as you pointed the prank toy at him. “Can you Hocus Pocus me the hell out of your crazy delusions?”
“Oh, the words aren’t ‘Hocus Pocus’. They’re ‘Hardy Har Har’. You say that after pointing that at someone and they shrink into their own penis. I couldn’t figure out the details just yet, but the victim gets transformed into a sentient cock capable of sensing and talking. Pretty cool, eh?” You explained with glee as you looked at the dicking wand, mesmerized.
You thought Sean was about to come up with another sarcastic remark but Sean didn’t respond. “Uh... Sean?”
You looked at Sean’s seat but your friend seemed to have vanished completely only leaving his clothes behind.
“Sean?!” You cried out in horror. The arms of your friend’s shirt were sprawled on the table as if Sean had been holding the dining utensils moments before evaporating into thin air.
“Holy fucking shit!” You were terrified and panicking. But then you heard your friend’s voice coming out from the pile of discarded clothing.
“P-peter?! What was that? Why can’t I see anything?!”
You glanced over at Sean’s pants and noticed a small bulge moving inside his underwear. Oh, fuck! You were pointing at him while saying the magic words, weren’t you?!
Your rummaged through the pants, your hands shaking. “Oh, shit, I’m sorry, I didn’t think the wand would be so sensitive!” You apologized. You fished Sean’s moving underwear from his pants and dropped all of its contents on the table.
And all its contents were a cock and balls... In other words: all that was left of Sean.
“Ahhhh! Why’s everything so big?!” The penis said through his pisslit.
You were panicking. You weren’t planning on living through this bizarre scene twice in the same day!
The penis started shaking and shivering. “Why do I feel so... naked?!” Sean wasn’t acting like the smug cashier at all. This penis didn’t even believe in magic in the first place, so it wasn’t expecting something ever happening to it. Sean looked like it was about to piss all over himself from fear. Sean looked all around the giant Chinese restaurant and then his pisslit looked at your eyes pleadingly. “Peter... What... What have you done to me...?”
In that instant, you noticed something peculiar about Sean’s penis, or should you say Sean’s entire body? In any case, the shriveled little thing struck you as being completely different from the cashier’s. Up until this point in your life you had only took a close look at your own dick. But today you had been greeted by the sight of not only one, but two new penises.
The cashier’s phallic body had a messy tuft of black hair all over its base, and its glans had been pink and well exposed. However your childhood friend’s pubic hair was golden and trimmed, just like the one on his former human head. He was also uncut, his pink glans currently hidden by pearly white foreskin. His testicles were well-proportioned, both of them of approximately the same size. Sean was terrified, but even if he wasn’t you were sure his dick didn’t get much longer than it currently was.
You couldn’t contain yourself. “Wow, Sean. You sure are a very... feminine dick. It’s kinda cute in a certain way.”
“Whaaaaaat?!” Sean yelled out. He looked down at himself. He saw the two pearly white balls decorated with golden hair he always had seen below his dick. “You...You... You BASTARD! You did this, didn’t you?!” He got so angry you could see a bit of his glans poking out. He stomped his right testicle against the wooden table in fury, then immediately regretted it when the pain came. The penis curled itself into a quivering ball.
“Aww, don’t be a dick like a that. You aren’t a pussy, although when you hide your shaft inside your testicles like that you kinda look like one.”
“I HATE YOU!” The pecker continued to cry out.
“Hehe, sorry, I just can’t resist.” You apologized. You had your doubts if this was the correct way to handle a man’s genitals, but you reached your hand out to the sentient genitalia. “Don’t worry, jump over. I’ll return you to humanity in a flash.”
Sean timidly put one of his testicles on your open hand. “You can reverse this, right?”
“Of course. It’s pretty simple.” You stated. “I just have to make you orgasm to break the spell.”
“W-w-w-w-whaaaaaaaat?!” The penis shrieked and retreated back into the pile of clothes.
“Hey, it’s no joke, that’s the way to turn you back!... Geez.”
Just then you had the misfortune to find that the waiter had come back for the empty dishes and noticed the strange bulge moving in the seat.
“Ahhhhh! Rat! Rat! Shoo! Shoo! Go away!” The waiter was apparently scared of rodents and ran away into the kitchen and started yelling for help in Chinese. The few other customers got scared with the commotion and promptly left, some of them without even paying the bills.
“Oh, crap. You blew it Sean. If you’d just let me jerk you off for a minute or two you’d be a human already.” You told the pile of clothes.
“Go. Fuck. Yourself.” The cock replied from its hiding place.
Then the whole restaurant trembled. A giant muscle mountain of a man came out from the kitchen. The Asian was dressed like a restaurant chef, but his clothes were bursting at the seams, unable to contain such volume of pure muscle. You could see Chinese dragons tattooed on his arms, not to mention the heavy-looking kitchen knife he was holding on his hand.
The waiter came out from the kitchen as well. “Wang! Kill it! Kill rat!” Then the waiter noticed people leaving without paying and started to persecute them towards the streets.
Fuck, and you just came here for some noodles.
The muscular man came over to your table, his feet causing miniature earthquakes with each step. You looked at the sharp knife in his hand, then at Sean’s hiding place, then back at the deadly knife. You had to do something!
“Hey, Wang, is it? There’s no need to kill the rat, it’s actually-”
Wang looked at you straight in the eyes and told you with extreme conviction something or another in Chinese. Then motioned for you to get out of the way.
Shit, he doesn’t speak your language?! You changed tactics and decided to warn Sean.
“Sean, get out of there! There’s a huge Chinese guy about to stab your balls with a large knife!”
“Yeah, right.” The bulge didn’t move from its place. Wang had a murderous look in his eyes and was about to slice your best friend to shreds but with quick thinking you pointed at the fiend and cried out.
“Hardy Har Har!”
Wang’s eyes turned wide. He spun around ready to attack you but his arms didn’t respond. He looked at you in complete horror as his mouth turned into a piss-dripping slit. The hair on the top of his head, his eyes, his nose, his ears... They all disappeared and his head changed shape leaving him looking like a giant dickhead. But he didn’t last long at that size. He shrunk so fast his clothes looked like they were suspended mid-air for a split second.
Wang’s knife fell to the floor with a metallic clink. Sean finally got out from his hiding place and looked at the mess of fallen clothes. “Holy shit, you weren’t kidding!”
You fished around the chef clothes until you found a fleshy thing and pulled out the sorry thing that Wang had become.
“HAHAHAHAHA! And I believed I was the small one!” Sean burst out laughing. “Look at his tiny itty marbles!”
You held the Asian penis high up in the air. But the little bastard wasn’t giving up just yet. He was struggling with his tiny balls, trying to kick you in the nose with them. It was a pitiful sight. Wang had no pubic hair at all, his balls were darn small and his shaft was a little noodle.
The little thing was throwing all sorts of Chinese expletives at you. You felt glad you couldn’t understand him. Looking at his balls a little closer you saw tattoos of Asian dragons of them. Were these the tattoos that had been on his arms, or had Wang got his balls tattooed? Probably the former.
Wang was still kicking the air with his testicles, so you decided to turn him upside-down and grab him by the balls. His yelling became high-pitched for a second which was utterly funny, but you got grossed out when he spat at you.
“Yuck!” You cried out. “They may be small, but the bastard’s got balls after all...”
“Peter! Look behind you!” Sean shrieked. You turned around and saw something unnatural.
It was the dicking wand... And it was floating!
“The hell?” You hadn’t fully read the whole manual, but you were sure it wasn’t supposed to do that.
The wand projected an image on the air. It was a 3D image of a penis. Normally you’d had laugh at it but you knew this penis. It was the cashier’s!
The giant projected penis coughed. “Ehem... So, Peter, did you have fun with the wand?”
You were about to tell the penis to go have a sounding itself with the damn thing, but you swallowed your words. “Not really, it’s caused me more trouble than fun up to now...”
“Aww, don’t be shy!” The 3D penis flyed over to right in front of your face. “I’m sure you loved it. I know very well you’ve already used the thing three times. You asshole sure did have a lot of fun with it, specially with the first time you used it...” The projected cock’s expression somehow appeared to get grim.
“Peter, who’s this guy? Someone else you dicked?” Sean asked.
Wang was still unsuccessfully struggling to get his balls out from your grasp.
“I DID warn you that you owed me personally when you bought your toy. So that’s why I put a curse on it just before you left the store...”
“What? What kind of curse?!” You asked with anger.
“I can’t answer your questions because this is just a prerecorded message I left on your toy. But you’re probably wondering what the curse is about. Oh, it’s simple, really. It’s just two little things actually...” The penis said with a hint of sadism in his voice.
“First up...” The wand raised by itself and the penis chanted. “... ‘I Hardly Can’t Cum’!” The wand glowed for a few seconds but nothing happened. “Those are the magic words for the magic wand’s manual override mode. Surely you remember that all transformations are set to go off when the subject orgasms... Well, not anymore!” The penis laughed maniacally. “I hope you enjoyed the transformations you’ve caused today, because they just became a tiny bit harder to undo!”
“What? Is that dickhead for real, Peter?!” Sean cried out. You weren’t sure if the projection was bluffing, but it certainly didn’t seem like so. Wang complained in Chinese, demanding to know what the hell was happening and why a dude was currently grabbing him by the balls which were the only appendages he had left from his former muscle body for some reason.
“The only way to reverse the transformations now are by using the magic wand manually. Which brings me to the second and final part of the curse. I’m taking this back to the store.” And as soon as the phallic clerk said that the wand got up in the air and began marching towards the exit as if an invisible man was holding it.
“The hell! I paid 39.99 for that shit!” You complained.
The projected penis continued talking. “I need the wand myself to reverse my own transformation. I’ll gladly return it to you if you came back for a visit to the store. Hehe!” The dick’s peehole winked.
And once the wand was outside the restaurant, it flew in the direction to the store at a great speed.
“Oh, I’m so going to kill you, Peter!” Said Sean. “You always manage to put me in trouble somehow!”
Wang said something or the other but you didn’t understand or care. “Oh, come on. The store is just about about three bus stops away. We can manage a nice little walk.” You told Sean.
“You say it like it’s not big deal! I don’t want to be my own penis!”
“We’ll take my car. Stop complaining or I’ll put you in the same pant pocket as Mr. Balls of Fury here.” You replied wiggling the Asian penis as you spoke.
“Arrrgh!” Sean didn’t seem happy.
“Or what about if you stay like that just until tomorrow afternoon. I still haven’t told you the details of my prank.”
“ARRRRGGHH!” Sean absolutely wasn’t happy.
“But it’s a very good prank! We’d become legends at my office! C’mon, don’t make that dickface.”
You were about to pet the angry genitals but just then the dicking wand came back through the restaurant door in a really quick hurry.
The wand in front of you turned the 3D projection of the cashier’s penis back on. “Damn, fuck me! I forgot about telling you something very important you should know!”
You were genuinely curious. “Oh, really? And what’s that?”
“...Hardy Har Har.”
After leaving you with those parting words you could see a glimpse of the dicking wand running away far, far away from you just before your vision got clouded with the darkness of your own clothes.